Honesty, safety and courage

“You deserve honesty. You deserve transparency. You deserve someone who respects you enough to never lie to your heart. You deserve appreciation. You deserve loyalty. You deserve someone who would never abuse your trust. You deserve love. You deserve someone who would still be there for you even when everyone else has walked away. You deserve someone who’s REAL. Never settle for less.”

Alternatively

“When you find someone who makes you smile and laugh, when you find someone who makes you feel safe…you shouldn’t let that person go just because you’re afraid.”

Which leads to

“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”

You make me feel so incredibly safe. I feel like I can be myself with you and not have to worry. But then…maybe I should worry. There’s a reason we’ve been in this same place for two years and you haven’t budged.

The past week has been a crazy whirlwind. I haven’t known on most days whether I should be happy or sad, or completely confused. You’ve thrown wrench after wrench at me and so far, I’m proud to say I’ve successfully dodged each and every one of them. That’s not to say that my heart isn’t lodged half way in my throat waiting for you to tell me to jump and I let it go. My theory is this, when you fall for someone, your heart jumps out of your chest and flops around on the ground until the one you’ve fallen for picks it up, dusts it off and cares for it. When they’re done with it, they tear it apart and throw it back on the ground and you’re left with the pieces. This time, I caught my heart before it jumped out-it’s ready…But I can’t give it to someone who doesn’t give me honesty and transparency, and who definitely lies to my heart.

I’ve always wanted to have an amazing love story. One that was for the books and that people were jealous of. Of course, I kind of had that with Eric, I chased him through high school and finally wrapped him up my freshman year of college. We fell in love and were married two years later. But then that fairy tale was blown to shit after he cheated on me and left me for a man. So…Enter a new story. What better of a story could be-a couple who dated, and it didn’t work so they became buddies, and then they fell head over heels for each other and lived happily ever after?

There isn’t an aspect of you that doesn’t intrigue me, or drive me crazy and for that, I’m grateful. I just wish that you’d see what we could have an make a go of it. I know that I’m on the bench waiting for girl one and girl two to go away, but honestly-my bench time is about up and I’m ready to jump off and head for the hills. I can’t do this anymore. The struggle, the praying and the dancing on eggshells just to make it possible for you to see me and want ME.

I’ve always wondered if there would be a man in my life who would be sad if I left-someone who would try to get me back and fight for what we have/had. You are not the exception. I’ve ran the scenario through in my head time after time and I arrive at the same point. I think you’d let me go.

Enter my 20 seconds of insane courage. I think I’m going to jump and tell you how I feel. I know that I need to do it in a way that I’m kind of finessing you and not just coming at you with a jack hammer hoping you’ll hang on for dear life. I have taken the steps to you so softly, and I’ve never done that before. Usually, I’m like a bull in a china shop just hopping around everywhere hoping that I’ll draw enough attention to myself that someone will notice. But with you, it was like a turtle, slow and steady wins the race. I slowly fell in love with you, and slowly realized that I was actually IN love with you.

Recently, you told me that our relationship was only sex based and if we weren’t having sex, we couldn’t really be friends. The thought of that terrifies me. I don’t long for the day where you decide we’re done for good and move on without a second thought. But then right now, I started wondering…Why do you have all of the power here? Why don’t I have even an ounce of decision making abilities? You get to decide what I am in the relationship, you get to decide when we see each other. You-get to decide everything.

There is something to be said about a woman who gives up all of the control for a man and I don’t believe it’s anything good. We should be willing to meet you in the middle, but not give up all of the power. Telling you how I really feel would be taking my power back.

I’ve prayed about this. Granted our relationship isn’t really on the grounds of a “faith based” relationship, but in all honesty, my faith has proven to me even more that you are the man I’m supposed to be with. You see, 6 months or so ago I started praying that all of the others that I had in my life would go away, you know, the 2-3 other guys who just want me for sex or are looking for some half-assed relationship. And they did, they all went away. I prayed that God would clear the path so that when I found the person I’m supposed to be with, it would be an easy walk on that path to him, instead of weeding through the garbage. You stayed. You haven’t left and you’ve been standing at the end of that path for two years.

If I never take that 20 seconds, I’ll never know if I really have the insane courage or not. Right now, I don’t feel very courageous, I feel like a bump on a log waiting for someone to come and knock me off. And I keep hoping that person will be you. Maybe you just need a push or something crazy for you to see what we have. I know I can’t force you to see… but dammit if I can’t try.

So here I am, with my heart in the middle of my chest waiting for my 20 seconds to shine and wishing you’d quit lying to my heart about how you feel. Waiting for you to not be afraid anymore but to realize that I make you feel safe-and you do that for me too.

An open unrequited love letter to my f**k buddy

Hi…

I wanted to write this to you to get some things off of my chest. The way I figure it, this letter could go one of two ways. One, nothing in this letter will surprise you and you’ll be done with me because I crossed a line that I shouldn’t of…or two, everything will surprise you, and you’ll be done because I’ve scared the crap out of you.

It’s scary when I think about how long we’ve known each other, and even more scary thinking about how long we’ve just been sleeping together. Two years to have a “buddy” is quite a long time, at least in my book. I’m not sure what the standard rules are…But I know that sitting here today, I didn’t succeed in only keeping you as a buddy for this long. I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you.

To be honest, this has been coming on for quite a while now. I look at you, and see everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy. You’re quirky and have a weird regimented lifestyle, but honestly-the regiment makes me happy. The fact that you’re so regimented that we have sex exactly the same time every single time-is the funniest thing ever to me. We laugh, and I believe you’ve probably seen me cry-and honestly, I consider you to be one of my best friends.

When you broke things off with me in December because you started dating someone, I had no idea what to do with myself. You were missing from my life, and I no longer had someone I could be unapologetically myself with. I can tell you dumb jokes and send you crude pictures and you still laugh (whether you’re laughing because you actually think it’s funny, or just to make me feel better is another story).

I’ve fallen in love with your ability to “handle” me…You know what to do when I’m sad, mad or glad, and I can’t leave your house without my stomach hurting from laughing so much. You are my confidante, and one of my very best friends. What you want out of life, I want out of life. I want a family, a house out of the way and a lifestyle where both of us work, but I take care of the household activities. I want a good life.

You are every good thing every husband of mine has been, and truthfully, you are everything they weren’t. When I married each of them, I knew that I wasn’t going to be with them forever; I knew that there was an end to the madness or an end to a high school love. But with you, for the first time in my life I can see a future-someone to grow old with.

You have told me on occasion that you aren’t attracted to me, which is probably the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. How can you have amazing sex with someone for TWO years and not be attracted to them. Finally…I got out of you what you wanted changed, and I did it. FINALLY it came down to the point where you told me if it didn’t work out with December girl, you’d give it another shot with me. I prayed…and prayed and prayed that it’d end with her-but you haven’t done it yet. Imagine my surprise when you texted me out of the blue hinting that maybe you wanted to start things back up with me, despite the fact that you had December.

I’ve never told you, that I kind of took that as a compliment and that probably makes me a bad person. I thought it was amazing that you wanted me back-in some way-because you weren’t getting enough from her. But…In the real world I’m now sitting here thinking I was one freakin’ step away from you picking me, and now I’m letting you have BOTH of us, because I’m can’t stop thinking about you, want to be around you all the time, wonder if you’re with her, wish you were with me-in love with you. It dawned on me last night laying there with you, that as long as I continue what I’m doing, you’ll never stop. Initially, I had told you that I thought you were good enough of a man to end things with December because you had in fact actually cheated on her-and you weren’t the kind of guy to do that to someone…but I’m starting to think I’m wrong.

I know I should walk away until you’re ready to recognize that I pretty much fit the bill for what you’re looking for…But like my favorite book Eat, Pray, Love says: “The only thing more unthinkable than leaving, was actually staying…Hadn’t I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life.” Yes, I DID actively participate in the creation of the life you and I were leading together. And by together, I mean seeing you once or twice a week for two whole years. I had actively participated in what I allowed you to think of me, what you want from me and what you use me for. And most importantly, I had actively participated in allowing you to get what you wanted from me without having to love me.

Some might argue that I don’t love myself enough because I’m creating and allowing this to happen. But in my own little world I’m thinking that I love myself enough to stick it out until one day when you realize that I’m really who you should be with. Not December who has no personality and doesn’t care about the things that are important to you, not California who will never move out here…But me, who has been here standing by you and listening to you-giving you advice and caring about you for two years. Me.

So here it is. I am in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life growing old with you and I want to have a family together. Whether that means it’s just us and your little dinosaur man, or the three of us and a baby of our own-I want a life with you. I want to work, and not expect you to contribute everything-but I want to be partners. I want to listen to stupid stories about your dumb garden and your worm operation…I want to listen to you tell stories about your sister and her wedding that makes you so angry your face turns red. I want all of that with you…and more. I want to spend weekends together, and go exploring and experience new things. But most importantly…I want you to love me as much as I love you.

Words will never describe the hours that I refer to as “the lonely time”. The lonely time are the hours that I know you’re with December because you won’t respond to my texts or that I can’t see you. This weekend was the worst-and the hardest. I didn’t hear from you for three days…and I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach and put a TV in front of me to watch you while you two were together. My mind runs rampant with all the things you could be doing together-and all the things we are not doing together.

The bottom line Levi, is I’m ready. I’m ready for December and California to go away and for me to just be here.

I think I’ll be waiting…because I can’t imagine leaving-at least not yet.

What I know about life at 33…

While I’m not a withered up old lady, I am coming close to 40, and younger kids consider me old now. I may not be in the place I’d like to be in my life right now… But I have learned a lot.  I thought I’d compile a list for your reading pleasure

Take chances-Even if it’s on the amazing pair of heels that you don’t think you can walk in…Why not have a beautiful pair of heels in your closet?

Love yourself-This seems like a joke, but honestly, when you’re sitting on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, sobbing your eyes out while watching some sappy movie because someone broke up with you or you had a bad day…Love yourself. You are a beautiful, fierce, strong willed person and you can do it. Tomorrow you won’t need Ben & Jerry’s, and you’ll be right back on your feet.

Everything changes-I have a 19 year old friend who has been dating her boyfriend for 4 years, and swears they’re going to get married in 5 more years. I look at her everyday and think: ‘honey, if you only knew’. Nothing is permanent and everything changes, no matter how much you fight it.

Always, always, always show the love that you have to others-Truth-you could wake up tomorrow morning and they could be gone. Or…you could be sitting at home and get a call from someone telling you that someone died. Even when you feel like you don’t matter to someone, or you’re angry at them, they are in your life for a purpose and you need to show that you care.

The grass usually is NEVER greener on the other side. The end.

Take time each month to spend with your girl friends or man friends. The time is like a refresher to you and you need to charge the batteries. No matter how much you think you have it together…you don’t.

Think positive-This is a cheesy and obvious lesson. But it is so incredibly true. What you put out in the universe comes back to you ten fold

Write-Even if it’s a line a day, the memories are worth it.

Sing in the shower, dance in the car-Because…why not?

Love your momma-She is the only one who has literally been there for you every. single. day of your life…and one day she won’t be anymore. Taking all of those memories with you is a treasure that you can pass on to your kiddos.

Change jobs-If you are doing something that doesn’t make you proud, or that you want to die a slow painful death when you’re at work-find something that makes you happy, even if the  pay is less. Isn’t your happy worth some money?

Travel-I live in a rural area of Colorado and one day my friend and I traveled to 20 small towns in a day. While that doesn’t sound exciting, we sure got to see a lot of beautiful and different things. You don’t always have to have a fancy five star vacation somewhere.

Choose to be friends with one person who you’d never be friends with-Sometimes, that friend can teach you more, love you more and be a better friend than your typical friends.

It’s ok to be single-Like I said, I’m not where I want to be in my life…but being single IS ok.

Living alone is amazing-No joke, it scared me to death the first time I moved into my own apartment. But honestly, being able to come home and sit in pure silence is the greatest gift I could have ever given myself. Try to do it for at least a year.

Date the wrong guy…at least once-That guy will teach you more about yourself than sitting on a mountain top pondering life for an entire day will.

Love Jesus-I recognize that not everyone is a practicing Christian, but if you are, try to read a passage a day, it will change your life.

If you are single, date online at least once-No, it’s not as creepy as everyone makes it, as long as you do it the safe way.  I’ve dated about 12 guys from every dating site you can imagine. Some of them ended in utter heart break, some ended on a friendly note, but mostly, it was just fun to date and get to know other people.

Learn to laugh at yourself-Let’s face it-we all do some stupid shit. What wouldn’t make it easier, being upset about it, or laughing your ass off at the learning experience you just had.

Go to Target-Target is a magical land where all troubles and woes escape you and you live in harmony for several hours looking at amazing things that are actually in your price range.

Drink wine-It’s an acquired taste, but nothing says sophisticated like having wine with your dinner.

Don’t be afraid to get dirty-There’s something to be said for a woman-or a man who is willing to play in the mud, go fishing or whatever other activities. Plus, playing in the mud is freakin’ awesome.

Take pictures- There will be a day where you don’t remember what you did yesterday, let alone 20 years ago. The importance of a picture is that even as the days pass, it seems like nothing changes…but then when you look back in pictures, everything has changed.

Read- Anything. A favorite book can give you a paragraph or a sentence to live by, or take you to another world just by reading a few words.

Never settle for second place-You are worth more than just an affair, or being with someone who only wants you when they have nothing else to do. You’re more than the girl who lays in bed with the guy who has a girlfriend, or even worse, you’re better than the guy who wants you only for sex. Never, ever settle.

Marriage is hard- No matter how simple it looks in a 1950’s sitcom show, marriage is just plain hard. You can do your best some days and it just isn’t enough. But then there are those days…Where you can make it worth it. Just don’t quit trying. You promised to be with this person for the REST. OF. YOUR. LIFE

And the last, most important. Take it easy on yourself, you’re doing the best you can- I have gone through so many things in life. Trials, tribulations, divorce, being so poor I had to sleep on someone’s couch. Relationship issues, you name it. And the biggest lesson I’ve learned about my life at this point is-at that moment, you are truly doing the best that you can. Take it easy, and if you don’t like what you’re doing for yourself today, make tomorrow better. You’ve got this, and life isn’t always hard. There are days that make it absolutely beautiful.

Remember…

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She Gets What I Deserve

I…am the other woman. I am a mistress.

Not just the other woman in one situation, but the other woman in several relationships.

First there’s my second husband, then my third husband, a married man that I worked with, the man who stomped on my heart by telling me he was engaged the entire time we were dating, a recent ex-boyfriend, and last but not least my f* buddy of 2 1/2 years.

Yes, I am the other woman.

When I was younger, my parents divorced because my dad found the other woman. We moved when we came home one day to find all of our stuff out on the lawn, and her stuff inside the house. From that moment forward, it was my mom and I.

I always used to think to myself ‘I will never stay with a man who cheats on me, I will never cheat, and I will never be the other woman.’

Now at 33, I feel like I’ve lied to myself all along, because in my 33 years, I’ve done all of those things. I had a two year affair with a high school boyfriend while I was with my second husband. I cheated on my third husband with his best friend AND my last fiancé. I stayed with my second husband while he cheated on me 80 times, and I’ve stayed with others who have cheated as well. And now, I’m the infamous other woman.

I should preface that statement with saying I’m not actually sleeping with all of these men. I have, but I’m not currently participating in anything except my F* buddy (Levi). When I read that line – I feel like such a whore.

I don’t know how, when or where I got to the place in my life where morality went out the window and cheating, and being a mistress suddenly became okay. I don’t know how I got to the place where I could wake up everyday and think to myself that I’m making good decisions for myself-and for my future. I don’t know how I could justify what the man was choosing to do-just as easily as I could justify my actions.

For example, last night I was laying naked in Levi’s bed after having amazing sex, full on knowing that his girlfriend would be over today. I’d be nothing but what he refers to as ‘catching a poke’, and he’d be with the ‘almost perfect’ girl. he says that I spoil him and that she’s just not very good in bed.

When he initially came to me with this proposal, it was 2 1/2 months after we had stopped sleeping together. He had this girl, I had a couple of boyfriends and we hardly talked anymore. But, I missed him. So I agreed-at first feeling flattered that he missed IT so much that he’d come back to me while he was with someone else. But it’s those moments at the end of the time together where you’re laying there talking or laughing knowing that the time is almost up, and that tomorrow, you’ll be alone and they won’t be.

One of my favorite songs is called “She Gets What I Deserve.” The song basically covers how the mistress feels watching in on the family that she feels like she should have, even though she is the other woman. My favorite line says ‘I just pray that God forgives me for what I’ve done to her, she gets what I deserve.’ Isn’t that the truth. I pray daily that the women who don’t know that I exist would forgive me if they found out, and truthfully I pray for myself for being ok with the situation.

I…am the other woman. I am a mistress.

I have men, who only want me for sex, and nothing else.

I’m too complicated for a relationship, I have too much baggage, they want their family back, there are other women who are more compatible with them.

But I lay in bed with Levi and think about the conversations we have, and the laughter and the incredible sex and wonder…why wouldn’t this work?

Part of me knows that I continue to have a relationship with him specifically is because I’m holding out for something great to happen because I know I deserve it and he is so great in so many ways. I know you’re probably thinking ‘He’s not a good man if he’s cheating on his girlfriend with you’ but the justification I give myself, is that he knows this relationship won’t work so he goes back to something that is familiar and comfortable.

That’s what I am. Comfortable.

Not only do I have men that I allow to make me their mistress, I’ve also become the woman who is willing to accept a relationship that is broken, and that it can only be just sex.

When you dig down to the bottom of it, I suppose that my sexual issues are due to my bi-polar and molestation when I was younger. But I made it from 16-25 normal. With only a few sexual partners. Now, I’m sitting at around 32.

I am a mistress and even worse, I allow myself to be in that position. He won’t call to see how I’m doing, he won’t tell me that he misses me, and he won’t even kiss me during sex because he believes that it’s ‘too intimate’ for our “relationship”. This one won’t talk to me when his wife is around, and this one created a fake name for me because his wife found out about our affair and he wanted to continue it even after she found out…so a fake name was necessary.

Somehow, however; in some way I have felt like I deserve the men that I am a mistress for.

My second husband is married to a terrible woman…bordering along the line of the “C” word. She made my life a living hell after we split up-even going so far as to message me on facebook telling me that he only cheated on me and that he was cured now. Then here he comes a couple years later, point blank asking me to be his mistress. I’m not normally this person-but damn did I want to stick it to her. So I did, twice. Then I disconnected my phone number so that he couldn’t call anymore.

My third and final husband and I just ended badly.

We clearly didn’t end things sexually, so he too became someone I could justify.

My third “affair” was with the guy I was with for a year who broke my heart while pregnant with his BABIES. By telling me that he had been engaged to someone the entire time we were together.

And then we’ve made it full circle to Levi two and a half years later, and we’re still going at it once or twice a week. 

I think in the end we all just want someone that truly understands us. Someone we can share a good joke with and hold deep private conversations with. Someone we can trust our heart with. A person we can tell our secrets to without being looked at in a different light. Someone we can have fun with. Someone who can be completely supportive of our dreams no matter how big they may seem. Love is about sharing a bond with each other. Love is about growing and evolving together. Love is about being committed and supportive of each other through every storm, trial and tribulation. It’s looking at you with eyes of hope even when you feel hopeless somedays. It’s rubbing your back and telling you everything will be ok. It’s about being the number one person in your corner that you can always turn to. It’s about being with someone who would never think that your best is second best. They want you and only you-forever.

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would share everything, the good, the bad and the ugly-even if it meant that I shared some of the ugliest things about myself.

That part may be ugly, and I am making bad choices…But I’m also following my heart-at least with Levi. Isn’t part of being in love trusting that something will turn out the way you wish it would? Even if it never does, faith is taking a step on a dark staircase and either hoping to fly, or hit the next step. I’m hoping to hit the next step. I’m a mistress, while I’m not proud, it’s part of who I am, and I know someday soon I’ll grow out of it…especially when I find my lobster (from Phoebe and Ross’ interaction on Friends about Rachel) we all have a lobster, hopefully one of these are mine.

I wish I didn’t….

“It’s easy to say you’re over someone if you aren’t seeing them. The challenge is to look them in the eye and see their smile and hear their voice and still be able to say “this is not what I want anymore”.

Do you ever know so much about a person that is no longer in your life and you wish more than anything it’d disappear just as quickly as they did?

I’m a sponge. When I have someone in my life, I take everything they give me, personality traits, mistakes, favorites, dislikes, family, life issues…I take it all. Sometimes it’s not even them specifically saying it to me-it’s just watching them, and intentionally wanting to learn.

When my time with them is up, I wish my brain would do a detox and wash it all out. So that when I hear something about them, I don’t automatically know why they did it…or when I hear something that I didn’t know, I wonder why I didn’t pick it up along the line.

It’s a wicked line. You want to know, but you don’t want to know. And truthfully, you CAN’T know.

I don’t want to be the ex that can tell one of his friends or family members that he did it because he has issues with death and wanted to draw the attention to him instead of grieving the person who died. I don’t want to remember that he is an attention whore.

Then, I turn into a martyr. I want to know if they remember things about me. The reason I had the moods that I had, my smell, my voice, how much I loved them.

Of course, remembering their smell, and their voice is something that doesn’t bother me as much. In fact, in a very strange way it’s comforting. The smell part especially. It reminds me that what we had was really real. Not that a smell should be confirmation, but I am smell oriented. When I smell someone who smells like them, it takes me back to a time when I was actually happy.

That’s a funny story isn’t it? I want to have my brain washed clean of all characteristics of a person, except for the way the smelled, and the sound of their voice.

I’m in the middle of what I think is a catasrophic phase in my life-where it comes to relationships. There is so much dirty laundry that needs to be tossed out or washed thoroughly, and a lot of things need to be forgiven and forgotten. I miss people I shouldn’t miss, and I want people who don’t want me. I guess that’s how I come to this realization.

Knowing someone so well that after 9 or 4 years of not being together is a blessing and a curse. I know I said that I wish it’d go away…but think of the privilege you have-knowing someone so intimantley that you can remember things so deeply personal after years of seperation. The curse of course (for me anyway) is always wondering if there’s a reason I’m supposed to remember these things…or I wonder if I made that impact too.

Divorce, or break-ups are ridiculous. If I had my way everything would be amicable and it would be done in a simple we don’t want to be together anymore. They require you to step out of your comfort zone and lose the things that you have held close to your heart for however long you’ve been together.

I don’t know why this subject bothers me so much, probably because I had a half hour long conversation with my ex-fiances sister last night about things that I only knew about him. What’s that about anyway? Why do we only give out pieces of ourselves to certain people? Why can’t we just give them what we have and hope they take it, and if not…Well that’s their deal. The layers that are stripped back with each day, week, month or year that you spend with someone are the true colors of you. Maybe, just maybe someone wishes they could detox me out of their mind too.

Walking out on faith part 2

I am my own worst enemy.

My family was raised Catholic by my grandparents, although I was never baptized or confirmed in the church. My grandma would always tell me that she prayed for me every day so that I didn’t go to hell. I was baptized by a pastor in another denomination in 2013.

I am my own worst enemy.

I’ll go through phases in life. First I’m really into Jesus. I listen to Christian music, I read the bible every day, I journal, I am by all definitions of the word-Christian.

Next, I’ll hit the brick wall where something goes wrong and I think “to hell with God, he’s not doing anything good for me”.  How selfish is that really? The guy died on a cross for me, and my sins and I get mad because he won’t help me with some piddley problem. I am two faced, and I really need to get myself together.

Previously I listed one of my favorite passages, Psalms 61-3: “Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer;  from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy” my question-do I go stand on a mountain top hoping God will find me there and help me to refuge? The next passage” Matt 11:28-30″ Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”Ok…So this is my all time favorite passage. My cousin Matthew, died on 1-28, so it means something to me, because he took his own life-he was weary and burdened. Think about this passage in my life though, as much as I love it, I walk out on faith on really difficult days and think it’s the most ridiculous passage.

When I say I am my own worst enemy, I mean this. I weave through life’s cones and road blocks on my own, and sometimes I sport the two seater bike and allow Jesus to ride along with me. I’m not very nice to Him, I take his helmet, I weave and when I don’t get the right attention from him I tip over, kick him off and get a new bike only to start the process again. I lean on God, when I absolutely have nothing left to hope for. I stray away from God when I need Him the most.

So this leads me to my final question… How do you not walk out on your faith? What teaches us to not be selfish and think we can do things alone when He is already standing by our side waiting for the pitch so he can hit the ball out of the park?

My issues with God relate directly to relationships. He hasn’t helped me make a successful relationship except for 10 years ago. That is a LONG time. But is it really his fault, or do I just keep riding the unicycle and not allowing Him to present me with the man He created solely for me?

From here on out-I’m walking IN on faith. When you’ve got nothing left to lose, why not try what you’re supposed to be doing anyway? It’s like when I was a teenager, in the summertime I’d be left at home with chores but I chose to do something else…until my mom got home and there was hell to pay because I didn’t do any of it. I should have been doing what I was supposed to do.

Walking in on faith. I like the sound of that. After all, He can do everything I can’t do.