Breathe…Just breathe…

“You are exactly who & what & where you are supposed to be and you are lovely. (Anything else would be just plain ridiculous)”

Where exactly am I? Who exactly am I?

The past few months have been nothing but a slight turmoil and a nice punch in the face…coupled with a ripped out heart that has been repeatedly stomped on.

First, it was you, Pismo Beach – who rocked my world with a marriage that I wasn’t ready to see happen. Funny thing is, in an effort to save my heart, I’ve been looking on line religiously waiting to see who you married. Crazy enough though, you haven’t turned in your marriage license, so you’re not married. I forgot for a brief moment when I heard about your nuptials that you like to live by people’s reactions. You knew that your family would be devastated by your choices, and you were just trying to get their attention because they were focusing on the death of your brother. Some things never change. And in that moment, when I figured out what you were really up to, my heart stopped hurting because I knew that you would still bring the drama to the table and I had feasted on quite enough of that drama to last me all the days of my life.

Then it was you, Rainbows and Butterflies – you are now engaged to a man after you and I were married for four and a half years. You didn’t want to tell me, and you refuse to acknowledge our marriage as something that was substantial in your life. Crazy how things turn out…I thought I’d be the only one you ever married. And now, I’m thinking it’s time for me to step back from being your friend. Sometimes, it just hurts too damn much.

Then you, you and you. Almost all of you have re-appeared in my life in some way shape or form over the past few months. There’s you, who was courageous enough to have a two year friend with benefits relationship with me, only to dump me for a new girl, only to come back because she’s not giving you what you want in the bedroom. You, the one who is a coward and awakens the love I could have for you, only for you to be around for 5 seconds before you disappear again. Oh, and you-who broke off the affair you were having with me by telling me that I needed to lose your number after YOU broke my heart.  Yikes, I almost forgot you – the one who broke up with me for a reason unbeknownst to me, because you don’t know how to communicate.

These all equate to my broken heart. I feel like I am anchored to the bottom of the ocean, it swirling all around me but I can’t get unchained. I learn in this moment, that I have the strength to hold my own air in, and now drown. That’s the point isn’t it? We’re supposed to be in place to drown sometimes, just to test our lungs. We just have to decide whether we’re going to actually hold our breath or not.  I liken how I’m feeling to more than just the ocean, but my everyday life. I have a tattoo on my right wrist that just says, “Breathe”. I got it because sometimes (like right this moment) I find myself holding my breath waiting for the next big thing to happen, whether it be good, or bad. 

So, in essence, I guess I am who & what & where I’m supposed to be, because I’m making it, one held breath at a time.

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