Walking Out on Faith

I caught you staring today.

Not the absent I’m drifting off somewhere staring…But the I’m searching for answers in your soul staring.

It made me uncomfortable. Not because I don’t want to bear my soul to you, but because I’m not ready. You haven’t said the right things to me, you haven’t finessed me enough. You-haven’t shown me YOUR soul.

You grazed my hand today.

It was like electricity shooting through my body. I almost stopped dead in my tracks because the feeling was so…so…rousing – I’m convinced part of my soul transferred to you in that simple graze. It stimulated the senses that had long been in slumber since the last man who grazed my hand.

You told me you want your family back today.

Although we have not been dating for long, I wonder what exactly you expected to get out of me when you said that. Did you want me to beg you not to feel that way? Did I remind you of the love you lost? Did you want me to fill the vacancy that you had after she left? What does your promise that you’re not going anywhere mean? I hate the games. Either it’s me that you want, or I’m noone that you want. Why is it so hard to make such a simple decision? You know that she’s moved on. You know that she won’t come back and there’s a reason that she left.

You gave me a thirst in my soul.

We talked, and you gave me something to crave. We have the same desires, the same wants…The same-everything. I prayed for you, and I thought you were brought to me with a force so feirce that I didn’t know what to do. You took my breath, you took my heart and you gave me hope that there was someone for God to actually send me and not some fake lie that happens too often.

You let me go today.

I learned the moment you learned that prayers are nothing but an empty hope to fill your heart and give you something in your life to look forward to. I have an abounding amount of faith that God stands by my side through all of the bad, but I don’t feel like he provides me with anything good. I know that it is bad, me stepping out on my faith and doubting God. But in truth, He has never provided me with something good in my relationship life.

I feel like the lone ranger.

13 years ago I was on top of the world. I had a marriage. I had a purpose and I had someone who would stay there-not leave because he wanted his family back. Not someone who would leave because he wasn’t ready. I had someone who wanted  me. But then, on an October day 9 years ago, my world came crashing down and I was left with nothing but the staring, soft grazes, thirsts and letting go. I was left with the question of what I could actually offer the world. Things could have been worse, you could have left me for a woman. But instead, you left me for a new life with a man. I’m still left as the lone ranger and now you’ve moved on.

I saw you staring right through me.

I was no longer the beautiful flower. I was no longer the one who meant something…or everything. You looked right through me like I was a shard of glass, broken, ugly and not able to be salvaged.

In the end though I suppose you have too much power. You get to choose the mood I’m in, you get to choose how my heart feels, and unfortunately, you get to determine how I feel about God. You make me doubt my self worth, you make me wonder if I’m really going to spend the rest of my life alone, and I allow that. I allow you to take away my self worth. I allow you to dictate how my life will end up, even though you’re not my forever love.

Learning that I allow these things should change the way I feel about my life and what I’m going to do to change it. But the truth is, I’m not there yet. Not that I want to continue to feel the way I do, but I’m just not ready to say good-bye, or to hope that you fall off the face of the earth. Somewhere, deep inside I honestly believe that God did send you to spend the rest of our lives together, even though right now you look right through me.

It’s a funny thing when your heart gets broken. I guess I’m being over dramatic because you want to believe that the world is ending, that the ground is shaking beneath your feet because you can’t gain solid footing. I need to remember Psalms 61-3: “Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer;  from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy” This is one of my favorite passages. Funny, when you walk out on faith the passages that meant the world to you suddenly don’t make sense. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I? Ok, go stand on a mountain top. But what exactly is standing on a mountain top going to give you when you are standing there with the unknown just swirling around you in the wind? You have been my refuge? You’ve been my refuge in situations where I didn’t need You, but You haven’t been there for situations where I wanted You.

All jests aside. God has been a wonderful influence in my life. I just wish He’d be there for the little times. The times where I need a hug, or when I want someone in my bed to wake up to. I wish he were there for those times. Providing me with someone that I could count on to do share my life with me.

I don’t always blame God, but I certainly can’t blame myself. I’ve been as much me as I could be with the people that I thought would hang around for some time. I’ve been myself when you stared, walked away, grazed my hand and left me in the dust.

My only hope is that I won’t be like the Taylor Swift song where she poignantly says: “I don’t know how to be someone you’ll miss”. The truth is I WANT you to remember me. I WANT you to remember me. I WANT to be the woman that you thought would be your person-that you would hold hands and lay in bed with on a Saturday morning. The woman you’d start a family with and live as close to happily ever after that you can get.

Reading this I sound a little desperate, but I’m coming off the heels of the guy who grazed my hand and stared at me, and it kills. I’m giving up online dating, that’s for sure. But I won’t give up on the hope that one day God will answer my prayers and plop an amazing man in my path. I feel like I deserve it, I’ve certainly been through quite a bit in the past 10 years.

What do you do when you feel like you’ve had enough? When you feel like you’ve hit the bottom and all of the good things that can be offered suddenly don’t matter?

Just keep swimming, hold on tight and pray to God to help you get through it. Stand on that rock, He is my refuge, if only I’d let him be all the time.

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