I wish I didn’t….

“It’s easy to say you’re over someone if you aren’t seeing them. The challenge is to look them in the eye and see their smile and hear their voice and still be able to say “this is not what I want anymore”.

Do you ever know so much about a person that is no longer in your life and you wish more than anything it’d disappear just as quickly as they did?

I’m a sponge. When I have someone in my life, I take everything they give me, personality traits, mistakes, favorites, dislikes, family, life issues…I take it all. Sometimes it’s not even them specifically saying it to me-it’s just watching them, and intentionally wanting to learn.

When my time with them is up, I wish my brain would do a detox and wash it all out. So that when I hear something about them, I don’t automatically know why they did it…or when I hear something that I didn’t know, I wonder why I didn’t pick it up along the line.

It’s a wicked line. You want to know, but you don’t want to know. And truthfully, you CAN’T know.

I don’t want to be the ex that can tell one of his friends or family members that he did it because he has issues with death and wanted to draw the attention to him instead of grieving the person who died. I don’t want to remember that he is an attention whore.

Then, I turn into a martyr. I want to know if they remember things about me. The reason I had the moods that I had, my smell, my voice, how much I loved them.

Of course, remembering their smell, and their voice is something that doesn’t bother me as much. In fact, in a very strange way it’s comforting. The smell part especially. It reminds me that what we had was really real. Not that a smell should be confirmation, but I am smell oriented. When I smell someone who smells like them, it takes me back to a time when I was actually happy.

That’s a funny story isn’t it? I want to have my brain washed clean of all characteristics of a person, except for the way the smelled, and the sound of their voice.

I’m in the middle of what I think is a catasrophic phase in my life-where it comes to relationships. There is so much dirty laundry that needs to be tossed out or washed thoroughly, and a lot of things need to be forgiven and forgotten. I miss people I shouldn’t miss, and I want people who don’t want me. I guess that’s how I come to this realization.

Knowing someone so well that after 9 or 4 years of not being together is a blessing and a curse. I know I said that I wish it’d go away…but think of the privilege you have-knowing someone so intimantley that you can remember things so deeply personal after years of seperation. The curse of course (for me anyway) is always wondering if there’s a reason I’m supposed to remember these things…or I wonder if I made that impact too.

Divorce, or break-ups are ridiculous. If I had my way everything would be amicable and it would be done in a simple we don’t want to be together anymore. They require you to step out of your comfort zone and lose the things that you have held close to your heart for however long you’ve been together.

I don’t know why this subject bothers me so much, probably because I had a half hour long conversation with my ex-fiances sister last night about things that I only knew about him. What’s that about anyway? Why do we only give out pieces of ourselves to certain people? Why can’t we just give them what we have and hope they take it, and if not…Well that’s their deal. The layers that are stripped back with each day, week, month or year that you spend with someone are the true colors of you. Maybe, just maybe someone wishes they could detox me out of their mind too.

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