I am my own worst enemy.
My family was raised Catholic by my grandparents, although I was never baptized or confirmed in the church. My grandma would always tell me that she prayed for me every day so that I didn’t go to hell. I was baptized by a pastor in another denomination in 2013.
I am my own worst enemy.
I’ll go through phases in life. First I’m really into Jesus. I listen to Christian music, I read the bible every day, I journal, I am by all definitions of the word-Christian.
Next, I’ll hit the brick wall where something goes wrong and I think “to hell with God, he’s not doing anything good for me”. How selfish is that really? The guy died on a cross for me, and my sins and I get mad because he won’t help me with some piddley problem. I am two faced, and I really need to get myself together.
Previously I listed one of my favorite passages, Psalms 61-3: “Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy” my question-do I go stand on a mountain top hoping God will find me there and help me to refuge? The next passage” Matt 11:28-30″ Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”Ok…So this is my all time favorite passage. My cousin Matthew, died on 1-28, so it means something to me, because he took his own life-he was weary and burdened. Think about this passage in my life though, as much as I love it, I walk out on faith on really difficult days and think it’s the most ridiculous passage.
When I say I am my own worst enemy, I mean this. I weave through life’s cones and road blocks on my own, and sometimes I sport the two seater bike and allow Jesus to ride along with me. I’m not very nice to Him, I take his helmet, I weave and when I don’t get the right attention from him I tip over, kick him off and get a new bike only to start the process again. I lean on God, when I absolutely have nothing left to hope for. I stray away from God when I need Him the most.
So this leads me to my final question… How do you not walk out on your faith? What teaches us to not be selfish and think we can do things alone when He is already standing by our side waiting for the pitch so he can hit the ball out of the park?
My issues with God relate directly to relationships. He hasn’t helped me make a successful relationship except for 10 years ago. That is a LONG time. But is it really his fault, or do I just keep riding the unicycle and not allowing Him to present me with the man He created solely for me?
From here on out-I’m walking IN on faith. When you’ve got nothing left to lose, why not try what you’re supposed to be doing anyway? It’s like when I was a teenager, in the summertime I’d be left at home with chores but I chose to do something else…until my mom got home and there was hell to pay because I didn’t do any of it. I should have been doing what I was supposed to do.
Walking in on faith. I like the sound of that. After all, He can do everything I can’t do.