She Gets What I Deserve

I…am the other woman. I am a mistress.

Not just the other woman in one situation, but the other woman in several relationships.

First there’s my second husband, then my third husband, a married man that I worked with, the man who stomped on my heart by telling me he was engaged the entire time we were dating, a recent ex-boyfriend, and last but not least my f* buddy of 2 1/2 years.

Yes, I am the other woman.

When I was younger, my parents divorced because my dad found the other woman. We moved when we came home one day to find all of our stuff out on the lawn, and her stuff inside the house. From that moment forward, it was my mom and I.

I always used to think to myself ‘I will never stay with a man who cheats on me, I will never cheat, and I will never be the other woman.’

Now at 33, I feel like I’ve lied to myself all along, because in my 33 years, I’ve done all of those things. I had a two year affair with a high school boyfriend while I was with my second husband. I cheated on my third husband with his best friend AND my last fiancé. I stayed with my second husband while he cheated on me 80 times, and I’ve stayed with others who have cheated as well. And now, I’m the infamous other woman.

I should preface that statement with saying I’m not actually sleeping with all of these men. I have, but I’m not currently participating in anything except my F* buddy (Levi). When I read that line – I feel like such a whore.

I don’t know how, when or where I got to the place in my life where morality went out the window and cheating, and being a mistress suddenly became okay. I don’t know how I got to the place where I could wake up everyday and think to myself that I’m making good decisions for myself-and for my future. I don’t know how I could justify what the man was choosing to do-just as easily as I could justify my actions.

For example, last night I was laying naked in Levi’s bed after having amazing sex, full on knowing that his girlfriend would be over today. I’d be nothing but what he refers to as ‘catching a poke’, and he’d be with the ‘almost perfect’ girl. he says that I spoil him and that she’s just not very good in bed.

When he initially came to me with this proposal, it was 2 1/2 months after we had stopped sleeping together. He had this girl, I had a couple of boyfriends and we hardly talked anymore. But, I missed him. So I agreed-at first feeling flattered that he missed IT so much that he’d come back to me while he was with someone else. But it’s those moments at the end of the time together where you’re laying there talking or laughing knowing that the time is almost up, and that tomorrow, you’ll be alone and they won’t be.

One of my favorite songs is called “She Gets What I Deserve.” The song basically covers how the mistress feels watching in on the family that she feels like she should have, even though she is the other woman. My favorite line says ‘I just pray that God forgives me for what I’ve done to her, she gets what I deserve.’ Isn’t that the truth. I pray daily that the women who don’t know that I exist would forgive me if they found out, and truthfully I pray for myself for being ok with the situation.

I…am the other woman. I am a mistress.

I have men, who only want me for sex, and nothing else.

I’m too complicated for a relationship, I have too much baggage, they want their family back, there are other women who are more compatible with them.

But I lay in bed with Levi and think about the conversations we have, and the laughter and the incredible sex and wonder…why wouldn’t this work?

Part of me knows that I continue to have a relationship with him specifically is because I’m holding out for something great to happen because I know I deserve it and he is so great in so many ways. I know you’re probably thinking ‘He’s not a good man if he’s cheating on his girlfriend with you’ but the justification I give myself, is that he knows this relationship won’t work so he goes back to something that is familiar and comfortable.

That’s what I am. Comfortable.

Not only do I have men that I allow to make me their mistress, I’ve also become the woman who is willing to accept a relationship that is broken, and that it can only be just sex.

When you dig down to the bottom of it, I suppose that my sexual issues are due to my bi-polar and molestation when I was younger. But I made it from 16-25 normal. With only a few sexual partners. Now, I’m sitting at around 32.

I am a mistress and even worse, I allow myself to be in that position. He won’t call to see how I’m doing, he won’t tell me that he misses me, and he won’t even kiss me during sex because he believes that it’s ‘too intimate’ for our “relationship”. This one won’t talk to me when his wife is around, and this one created a fake name for me because his wife found out about our affair and he wanted to continue it even after she found out…so a fake name was necessary.

Somehow, however; in some way I have felt like I deserve the men that I am a mistress for.

My second husband is married to a terrible woman…bordering along the line of the “C” word. She made my life a living hell after we split up-even going so far as to message me on facebook telling me that he only cheated on me and that he was cured now. Then here he comes a couple years later, point blank asking me to be his mistress. I’m not normally this person-but damn did I want to stick it to her. So I did, twice. Then I disconnected my phone number so that he couldn’t call anymore.

My third and final husband and I just ended badly.

We clearly didn’t end things sexually, so he too became someone I could justify.

My third “affair” was with the guy I was with for a year who broke my heart while pregnant with his BABIES. By telling me that he had been engaged to someone the entire time we were together.

And then we’ve made it full circle to Levi two and a half years later, and we’re still going at it once or twice a week. 

I think in the end we all just want someone that truly understands us. Someone we can share a good joke with and hold deep private conversations with. Someone we can trust our heart with. A person we can tell our secrets to without being looked at in a different light. Someone we can have fun with. Someone who can be completely supportive of our dreams no matter how big they may seem. Love is about sharing a bond with each other. Love is about growing and evolving together. Love is about being committed and supportive of each other through every storm, trial and tribulation. It’s looking at you with eyes of hope even when you feel hopeless somedays. It’s rubbing your back and telling you everything will be ok. It’s about being the number one person in your corner that you can always turn to. It’s about being with someone who would never think that your best is second best. They want you and only you-forever.

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would share everything, the good, the bad and the ugly-even if it meant that I shared some of the ugliest things about myself.

That part may be ugly, and I am making bad choices…But I’m also following my heart-at least with Levi. Isn’t part of being in love trusting that something will turn out the way you wish it would? Even if it never does, faith is taking a step on a dark staircase and either hoping to fly, or hit the next step. I’m hoping to hit the next step. I’m a mistress, while I’m not proud, it’s part of who I am, and I know someday soon I’ll grow out of it…especially when I find my lobster (from Phoebe and Ross’ interaction on Friends about Rachel) we all have a lobster, hopefully one of these are mine.

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