I wanted to write this to you to get some things off of my chest. The way I figure it, this letter could go one of two ways. One, nothing in this letter will surprise you and you’ll be done with me because I crossed a line that I shouldn’t of…or two, everything will surprise you, and you’ll be done because I’ve scared the crap out of you.
It’s scary when I think about how long we’ve known each other, and even more scary thinking about how long we’ve just been sleeping together. Two years to have a “buddy” is quite a long time, at least in my book. I’m not sure what the standard rules are…But I know that sitting here today, I didn’t succeed in only keeping you as a buddy for this long. I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you.
To be honest, this has been coming on for quite a while now. I look at you, and see everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy. You’re quirky and have a weird regimented lifestyle, but honestly-the regiment makes me happy. The fact that you’re so regimented that we have sex exactly the same time every single time-is the funniest thing ever to me. We laugh, and I believe you’ve probably seen me cry-and honestly, I consider you to be one of my best friends.
When you broke things off with me in December because you started dating someone, I had no idea what to do with myself. You were missing from my life, and I no longer had someone I could be unapologetically myself with. I can tell you dumb jokes and send you crude pictures and you still laugh (whether you’re laughing because you actually think it’s funny, or just to make me feel better is another story).
I’ve fallen in love with your ability to “handle” me…You know what to do when I’m sad, mad or glad, and I can’t leave your house without my stomach hurting from laughing so much. You are my confidante, and one of my very best friends. What you want out of life, I want out of life. I want a family, a house out of the way and a lifestyle where both of us work, but I take care of the household activities. I want a good life.
You are every good thing every husband of mine has been, and truthfully, you are everything they weren’t. When I married each of them, I knew that I wasn’t going to be with them forever; I knew that there was an end to the madness or an end to a high school love. But with you, for the first time in my life I can see a future-someone to grow old with.
You have told me on occasion that you aren’t attracted to me, which is probably the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. How can you have amazing sex with someone for TWO years and not be attracted to them. Finally…I got out of you what you wanted changed, and I did it. FINALLY it came down to the point where you told me if it didn’t work out with December girl, you’d give it another shot with me. I prayed…and prayed and prayed that it’d end with her-but you haven’t done it yet. Imagine my surprise when you texted me out of the blue hinting that maybe you wanted to start things back up with me, despite the fact that you had December.
I’ve never told you, that I kind of took that as a compliment and that probably makes me a bad person. I thought it was amazing that you wanted me back-in some way-because you weren’t getting enough from her. But…In the real world I’m now sitting here thinking I was one freakin’ step away from you picking me, and now I’m letting you have BOTH of us, because I’m can’t stop thinking about you, want to be around you all the time, wonder if you’re with her, wish you were with me-in love with you. It dawned on me last night laying there with you, that as long as I continue what I’m doing, you’ll never stop. Initially, I had told you that I thought you were good enough of a man to end things with December because you had in fact actually cheated on her-and you weren’t the kind of guy to do that to someone…but I’m starting to think I’m wrong.
I know I should walk away until you’re ready to recognize that I pretty much fit the bill for what you’re looking for…But like my favorite book Eat, Pray, Love says: “The only thing more unthinkable than leaving, was actually staying…Hadn’t I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life.” Yes, I DID actively participate in the creation of the life you and I were leading together. And by together, I mean seeing you once or twice a week for two whole years. I had actively participated in what I allowed you to think of me, what you want from me and what you use me for. And most importantly, I had actively participated in allowing you to get what you wanted from me without having to love me.
Some might argue that I don’t love myself enough because I’m creating and allowing this to happen. But in my own little world I’m thinking that I love myself enough to stick it out until one day when you realize that I’m really who you should be with. Not December who has no personality and doesn’t care about the things that are important to you, not California who will never move out here…But me, who has been here standing by you and listening to you-giving you advice and caring about you for two years. Me.
So here it is. I am in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life growing old with you and I want to have a family together. Whether that means it’s just us and your little dinosaur man, or the three of us and a baby of our own-I want a life with you. I want to work, and not expect you to contribute everything-but I want to be partners. I want to listen to stupid stories about your dumb garden and your worm operation…I want to listen to you tell stories about your sister and her wedding that makes you so angry your face turns red. I want all of that with you…and more. I want to spend weekends together, and go exploring and experience new things. But most importantly…I want you to love me as much as I love you.
Words will never describe the hours that I refer to as “the lonely time”. The lonely time are the hours that I know you’re with December because you won’t respond to my texts or that I can’t see you. This weekend was the worst-and the hardest. I didn’t hear from you for three days…and I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach and put a TV in front of me to watch you while you two were together. My mind runs rampant with all the things you could be doing together-and all the things we are not doing together.
The bottom line Levi, is I’m ready. I’m ready for December and California to go away and for me to just be here.
I think I’ll be waiting…because I can’t imagine leaving-at least not yet.