Honesty, safety and courage

“You deserve honesty. You deserve transparency. You deserve someone who respects you enough to never lie to your heart. You deserve appreciation. You deserve loyalty. You deserve someone who would never abuse your trust. You deserve love. You deserve someone who would still be there for you even when everyone else has walked away. You deserve someone who’s REAL. Never settle for less.”

Alternatively

“When you find someone who makes you smile and laugh, when you find someone who makes you feel safe…you shouldn’t let that person go just because you’re afraid.”

Which leads to

“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”

You make me feel so incredibly safe. I feel like I can be myself with you and not have to worry. But then…maybe I should worry. There’s a reason we’ve been in this same place for two years and you haven’t budged.

The past week has been a crazy whirlwind. I haven’t known on most days whether I should be happy or sad, or completely confused. You’ve thrown wrench after wrench at me and so far, I’m proud to say I’ve successfully dodged each and every one of them. That’s not to say that my heart isn’t lodged half way in my throat waiting for you to tell me to jump and I let it go. My theory is this, when you fall for someone, your heart jumps out of your chest and flops around on the ground until the one you’ve fallen for picks it up, dusts it off and cares for it. When they’re done with it, they tear it apart and throw it back on the ground and you’re left with the pieces. This time, I caught my heart before it jumped out-it’s ready…But I can’t give it to someone who doesn’t give me honesty and transparency, and who definitely lies to my heart.

I’ve always wanted to have an amazing love story. One that was for the books and that people were jealous of. Of course, I kind of had that with Eric, I chased him through high school and finally wrapped him up my freshman year of college. We fell in love and were married two years later. But then that fairy tale was blown to shit after he cheated on me and left me for a man. So…Enter a new story. What better of a story could be-a couple who dated, and it didn’t work so they became buddies, and then they fell head over heels for each other and lived happily ever after?

There isn’t an aspect of you that doesn’t intrigue me, or drive me crazy and for that, I’m grateful. I just wish that you’d see what we could have an make a go of it. I know that I’m on the bench waiting for girl one and girl two to go away, but honestly-my bench time is about up and I’m ready to jump off and head for the hills. I can’t do this anymore. The struggle, the praying and the dancing on eggshells just to make it possible for you to see me and want ME.

I’ve always wondered if there would be a man in my life who would be sad if I left-someone who would try to get me back and fight for what we have/had. You are not the exception. I’ve ran the scenario through in my head time after time and I arrive at the same point. I think you’d let me go.

Enter my 20 seconds of insane courage. I think I’m going to jump and tell you how I feel. I know that I need to do it in a way that I’m kind of finessing you and not just coming at you with a jack hammer hoping you’ll hang on for dear life. I have taken the steps to you so softly, and I’ve never done that before. Usually, I’m like a bull in a china shop just hopping around everywhere hoping that I’ll draw enough attention to myself that someone will notice. But with you, it was like a turtle, slow and steady wins the race. I slowly fell in love with you, and slowly realized that I was actually IN love with you.

Recently, you told me that our relationship was only sex based and if we weren’t having sex, we couldn’t really be friends. The thought of that terrifies me. I don’t long for the day where you decide we’re done for good and move on without a second thought. But then right now, I started wondering…Why do you have all of the power here? Why don’t I have even an ounce of decision making abilities? You get to decide what I am in the relationship, you get to decide when we see each other. You-get to decide everything.

There is something to be said about a woman who gives up all of the control for a man and I don’t believe it’s anything good. We should be willing to meet you in the middle, but not give up all of the power. Telling you how I really feel would be taking my power back.

I’ve prayed about this. Granted our relationship isn’t really on the grounds of a “faith based” relationship, but in all honesty, my faith has proven to me even more that you are the man I’m supposed to be with. You see, 6 months or so ago I started praying that all of the others that I had in my life would go away, you know, the 2-3 other guys who just want me for sex or are looking for some half-assed relationship. And they did, they all went away. I prayed that God would clear the path so that when I found the person I’m supposed to be with, it would be an easy walk on that path to him, instead of weeding through the garbage. You stayed. You haven’t left and you’ve been standing at the end of that path for two years.

If I never take that 20 seconds, I’ll never know if I really have the insane courage or not. Right now, I don’t feel very courageous, I feel like a bump on a log waiting for someone to come and knock me off. And I keep hoping that person will be you. Maybe you just need a push or something crazy for you to see what we have. I know I can’t force you to see… but dammit if I can’t try.

So here I am, with my heart in the middle of my chest waiting for my 20 seconds to shine and wishing you’d quit lying to my heart about how you feel. Waiting for you to not be afraid anymore but to realize that I make you feel safe-and you do that for me too.

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