“I fell in love like I fall asleep; slow and then all at once.”
8 letters, three words. Kind of crazy how it can change the course of everything you have planned isn’t it?
When I started dating Sir about 3 months ago, I never once thought that there would be any remote possibility of a future. He lives about an hour away, and he works completely different hours than I do.
I guess that’s a dumb statement – of course the thought crossed my mind. When you’re 33 and dating, you have to look at the person you’re dating and wonder if you can see a future with them…because if you don’t, it’s a waste of time. Gone are the days of just dating for fun, the days where you don’t really care about the outcome, you just want to have fun. When you’re 33, or in his case 37, it’s a little more serious than that.
Then, one random Thursday night several days and weeks after we started dating he came out with it. “I love you.”
That all familiar ache popped into my chest. You know what I’m talking about. That first time someone says that to you, your chest constricts, your stomach gets the zoo and then you’re faced with the question…do I feel the same way? What are the repercussions of saying it back? How vulnerable will you become and is it really worth it?
Here I sit four days later. I took the plunge and I said it back.
I’m crazy right? Yes. I think so.
“I wanted the perfect ending. Now I’ve learned that there are some poems that don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”
I met him.
You know, THE guy that I’ve been writing about.
The guy who is completely crazy about me, wouldn’t be ashamed to show it in public, wants to marry me after the second date…THE guy.
I guess with everything comes a price, nothing can be as simple as you’d like it to be. Meet a nice guy (check), fall for him (check), live happily ever after (check)… Just kidding. There are no checks at all here. I can’t even bring myself to be attracted to Ginger whatsoever.
We went to dinner last night and he grabbed my hand when I told him how tired I was and that I wanted to go home.
He wanted to tell me how sincerely sorry he was that I was tired. He calls me babe, and sweetheart and thinks “I’m a keeper”. We’ve been on TWO dates. Not TWENTY TWO dates…Two.
Now, I know I probably sound like a hypocrite.
I’ve wanted all the things this guy can offer me for as long as I can remember.
I’ve prayed about it.
I’ve dreamt about it.
I’ve written about it more times that I can even count.
But when it shows up on my doorstep, it’s not anything that I really want.
Maybe this is God’s way of showing me that I truly do need to figure out what I want. I need to decide whether I’d have a guy who is nice all around, or someone who challenges me emotionally…
Someone that I know I won’t have to care for, but that will care for me.
Let me explain.
There are two types of men to me-the soft man, and the rigid man.
The soft man is the man that is over attentive. They want to consistently tell you how much they love you, they want to talk to you and about you all the time.
They think you’re wonderful when they’ve only known you for two minutes. The think that everything you say is the most amazing thing that’s ever been said in all of creation. They’ll take you wherever you want to go, do whatever you want to do, no matter how extravagant or ridiculous it is-they’ll do it. They’ll plan romantic get aways, when again, they’ve only known you for two minutes.
They-are a stage 5 clinger.
The soft man can also be chewed up and spit out…Meaning, his softness can overwhelm me, and all it takes is a good tongue lashing and he’s cowered in the corner apologizing, even if he technically didn’t do anything wrong.
The soft man lets the woman be the leader of the home.
The rigid guy is the man who is attentive, but in different ways, and he hardly ever comes out and says all of the things the soft man says. He shows he cares in his actions. He shows he cares by remembering the little things you’ve told him in the past and acting on them, or somehow showing that he remembered.
He doesn’t apologize for things-and most importantly he doesn’t apologize for things that aren’t his fault. If he has something happening in his life, he doesn’t try to MAKE you help him, he LETS you help him. The rigid guy has a life outside of you and makes a place for you to fit, he doesn’t make you the center of his universe.
The rigid man, is the leader of the home.
So the hypocrite in me lies here… I’ve written so many times how I want the whimsical-ness of a soft man, but now that I have one, I realize there’s no way in hell I can handle another soft man.
My first husband, Rainbows and Butterflies was a soft man. I wore the pants in our marriage, I made the decisions, the rules, the plans, and the…everything.
I’m sure I’ll get chewed up and spit out for this, but honestly in my head since I’m scarred by the marriage of a woman who was left by her husband for another man-the soft man, in my head associates “softness” with a gay man. I know this isn’t politically correct, and I know being soft doesn’t make you gay, but in MY experience, unfortunately, that’s what happens in my brain. It’s just like I will never date another man who works in an office, Rainbows and Butterflies has and always will be an office worker, whereas all of the other men I’ve been married to or dated since have been physical workers. One – where they get their hands dirty and when they come home for the day you can tell they’ve worked their asses off.
My head is confused and my heart is muddy.
Why does it have to be so difficult? If I could combine Sir, Mark, and Ginger, I’d have the perfect man.
Wouldn’t it be easier if we could just go to a machine and push the buttons of what we want and have someone appear that way?
The other issue with Ginger is his mental health. Like me, he is
bi-polar, and to my knowledge
My greatest issue with people who have this disability, is when they allow it to debilitate them so badly instead of attempting therapies that can help them.
Yes, most of them have generalized anxiety disorder, yes most of them have manic depressive episodes, but honestly…You can be a functioning bi-polar person.
What I see across the board in all mental health issues is that people receive a treatment plan, and when it doesn’t work they think that’s all that can be offered to them. They don’t try alternative therapies, they just somehow accept a life of mediocrity at best.
Back to Ginger, he leans on his
bi-polar disorder. Meaning, he takes the disability and makes it the answer as to why he does this, and that. He doesn’t accept ownership or responsibility for his issues, when in all actuality, they are more addictive personality issues than bi-polar issues. /off of my psychological ranting soap box.
Just a recap: Ginger is a soft man, too nice (and YES there is such a thing) and isn’t all together in his mental health. It appears that he has a drinking problem and he’s a stage 5 clinger.
My question is this: Do you accept a life of mediocrity with someone who looks good on paper and fulfills all the things you think you want? Or do you forge forward looking for someone who looks good in person and only fills up half of the boxes on the paper?
Mark has decided to choose his girlfriend as his partner, maybe even his wife. December never came, and I was never really an option. I professed my love to him in between a date with Ginger, a falling out with Sir and a confirmation from Mark that he had chosen her.
I told him that I was glad I had a boyfriend so I could stop pining away for him. His answer was concise and pointed: “I’m glad you found someone.”
Mark, is accepting a life of mediocrity with a person who looks good on paper instead of taking a chance on someone who may only fill half the page.
I’m ok with that chapter ending, it appears I’ve got a few new ones waiting in the wings.
That has been my favorite phrase for years, ambiguity is my favorite word…Unknown.
Maybe I need to saddle up and accept that the person who is right on paper AND perfect for me in the regular world will show up on my doorstep. So far, the contenders don’t seem to be right.
Delicious Ambiguity. Always remember that things will never turn out the way that you expect it, and no matter how hard you try-there will always be an unknown.
“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate.”
Isn’t this the truth?
I’ll be the first to admit that I have a horrible habit of waking up with yesterday’s garbage. I wake up with anxiety like nothing happened the day before-that collectively, my life is a complete disaster-all because of what happened yesterday.
I don’t wear new clothes…In fact some weeks, I wear the same exact outfit everyday.
I’m bi-polar. And part of my bi-polarism is that some days, anxiety overruns me like a rabid dog chasing me, not giving me any time to stop and take a break. On a regular basis, I feel like the world is crumbling in around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Even when I take my anxiety meds, I still feel the walls closing in.
This leads me to my point of this post. I know it’s silly but…
When I start a relationship with someone, it’s easy for me to fall. But at the same time, I rely on my incredible gut instincts to figure out of a guy is legitimate. For example, the guy I started dating that I thought was ghosting me, (we’ll call him sir) he disappears every weekend. I don’t hear from him for DAYS for example, this weekend, he checked out at 2:30 on Friday and I haven’t heard from him since, even though he’s been on Facebook messenger, he’s not responding at all. My gut instinct says…He has a girlfriend/wife at home and he is keeping me as a secret. I’ve been the other woman before, and it sucks. Especially when you really care about the guy. Sir is a different kind of guy for me, he’s flighty, not regimented, no solid plans, fly by the seat of your pants kind of guy. But at the same time, he’s different in his habits, and different in all the good ways that I’ve never had different before. So…What do I do? Follow my gut instincts, that you know are partial to negativity, self doubt and doubt of the person I’m with?
This may sound hypocritical, but…
Because I haven’t heard from Sir, I went on a date with…(We’ll call him Ginger). He’s crazy about me. I’m the first person he’s gone on a date with in almost two years, and he already texted back for another date. This is how it’s supposed to be. The guy who likes you, pursues you. He makes an effort and shows you he’s interested. He compliments you and tells you you’re beautiful. So my question is this. Why am I more attracted to Sir than I am Ginger? I agreed to a second date with Ginger, because I feel like I owe it to myself to give him a real legit shot. That I need to pump the breaks on Sir, wait for a bit and try this out.
But…I feel more attracted to the wild, ever changing ways of Sir. I am attracted to the dangerous possibility that I’m going to get hurt, because the hurt leaves a wound, and the wound means I FEEL. Isn’t that ridiculous? I have to take a path filled with poison ivy, wild animals and 1,000 feet drop offs just to make me feel something? Of course Ginger is the easy route. I could choose him, have a guy that is crazy about me and probably live happily ever after. But my glass won’t be full.
If you’re new reading this, let me explain my glass theory. Everyone is sitting at a restaurant with a glass of water. The waiters are men or women that are trying to win your affections. Each person fills it up partially, until you get to the person you’re supposed to be with and they fill it up all the way. In my case however; I haven’t been able to find someone who can fill my whole glass on their own since my first marriage. I’ve always had several glass fillers waiting in the wings to fill me up when I need it because I can’t make a solid decision.
I have 4 men currently who are attempting to fill my glass, and I only want Sir.
Caution, danger up ahead… I’m going in full force, even if it means I come out with a million scars, I think it’ll be worth it. And if that means I have to keep wearing the same clothes…that sucks, but I’ll make it.
“You can’t control everything. Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and just let life happen.”
Ok. I screwed up.
Turns out the guy that I went out with this weekend isn’t ghosting me, but is instead in New Mexico at his grandmothers funeral.
I feel like a TOTAL asshole.
Wait, no I don’t feel like an asshole, but more that I’m embarassed that I’ve allowed so many other situations come into this one. I’ve been ghosted before, and it leaves you feeling less than inadequate.
So my question is…When do we shake the bad juju from the past and replace it with good juju in hopes for a better future with someone? When do we stop letting the mistakes of the past dictate how we react to things that are happening in the present?
It’s no secret that I’m 33 and have been married 3 times. The first husband came out shortly after our 4 year anniversary, the second was a serial cheater who cheated over 80 times (that is a WHOLE other story), and the 3rd beat the crap out of me on a regular basis. I finally got the courage to leave him after he tried to kill me.
Somehow though, through all of those circumstances, the only thing that has stuck with me is the cheating. I’m immediately suspicious that the man I’m with is cheating if things don’t add up to me..I don’t think ‘hey, maybe so and so just has something going on’ I think ‘hey, this doesn’t make sense so he must have someone else.’ So the question still remains, when do we shake off the bad juju and bring in the new, good juju giving someone a chance with a clean slate instead of them having to dodge every piece of baggage that you chose to throw at them at any given time?
I am notorious for automatically assuming the negative prior to even considering the positive. This guy is a perfect example. I don’t hear from him for a couple of days and then WHAM! he’s ‘ghosting’ me, instead of having life altering issues that he can’t control.
This also falls into letting go and letting God-hoping that He’ll steer me in the right direction instead of taking me in a direction where I would deliberately get hurt.
But honestly, how often do we as Christians, or people in general take into account that there is a reason that person has come into your life; they’re either a blessing, or a lesson-nothing more, nothing less.
I’ve tried to make pacts with myself that I’m going to start thinking more positively when it comes to relationships. That I won’t assume the worst, but instead think that that person is a blessing instead of instantly assuming that they are a lesson.
This guy is a great guy and I’m hoping for the best this time. I think that he could really work, if only I’d let my own brain just settle for a minute and think that all things aren’t bad. There may be clouds, but somewhere out there the sun is still shining and I’ll get there eventually.
“Then the feeling moves on. It does not collapse; it is not whisked away. It simply moves on, like a train that stops at a small country station, stands for a while, and then continues out of sight.”
I’m waiting for this to happen.
I feel like there is a constant need for me to have a man in my life, to entertain me, to give me affirmations, to have sex, to talk to…But they never stay.
Remember how I talked to God and asked him to clear my path of men that weren’t right for me? Remember how I said that I needed to walk back in on faith instead of just leaving it to when I want it? I’m still not letting it happen.
I am trying to take the reins and get disappointed when I don’t get what I want. The signs are all there, back off, this one isn’t right, he is the one losing out, he’s not what you need/want. Let go. Instead I try to keep making it work just for the sake of having a man in my life.
I want to go back to dating pre-2002, where if a guy didn’t like you, he told you and dumped you…not 2016 where they ghost their way out of your life.
The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.
I straight up hate every variation of this word and would like to stab the person who created this trend in the eye with a dull nail. Ok, maybe not that violent but seriously-it’s the worst feeling in the entire world. Especially when you go from “I had a great time tonight” to ….. Crickets.
Dating today is like fishing. You put your lure in the water and leave it out there for a bit until you’ve got a fish, you go to reel it in and right when you pull it out of the water, the fish jumps off and swims away-leaving you to never see the fish again.
So…I had a date on Saturday. He was great. He was everything I’ve been looking for and everything I thought I wanted, but I haven’t heard from him since. Oddly, he had friended me on facebook when we first started talking, and he’s stayed my friend even though he refuses to talk to me. Of course, I probably screwed up by sleeping with him, and I know that now. I need to focus more on what seems right at the time, to what can happen down the road.
This of course goes to my decision of men too. I pick these guys who seem to be what I want, but they turn out to be a giant douche. I guess that means that I think i want a giant douche instead of a decent man. The decent men don’t strike my interest. I get bored talking to them and often I find myself trying to figure out how to ghost them myself. I can sincerely say that I won’t be ghosting anyone else ever again.
The last thing this leaves me with is this; if I prayed for my path to be cleared for the person that is right for me…What if the only person that stays on that path is Levi? I’m trying to move on, but really what does moving on mean? I know the quote above says that it just happens one day-you just stop at a station, wait for a bit and then the station slowly rolls out of sight and you’ve let go…That’s never happened for me and maybe that’s why I chose the quote that I did. I want for the train to leave the station if it’s supposed to, I’m trying to not keep control over that situation anymore.
I guess my point in all of this, is no matter how hard you try…No matter how many horoscopes you read, lessons you learn, boys you meet, men you don’t meet, you just can’t take the reigns and determine who you’re supposed to be with, even if it seems like they fit like a glove-or in this case, even if they stay on the train longer than you want them to.
One of my favorite Carrie Underwood songs is called “Good in Good-bye.” My favorite part, “As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt, I thank God for I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved. Sometimes life leads you down a different road…When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go, someday you’ll see the reason why there’s good in good-bye.”
If there were ever a time that that song meant something to me, it’d be now. The song wasn’t on the radio, it’s not a smash hit, and it’s on an album that I never listen to, but it popped up on my Spotify today.
There are so many feels that I have about this week, putting together a blog entry about it seems impossible. I know that I wish I could just sit down and have one of those amazing, soul cleansing cries. The ugly face, I can’t believe I’m sobbing this much cry.
My time with Levi, or my time of wanting to be with Levi is coming to a close and it’s a bittersweet feeling. This week he’s said and done things that go beyond the scope of a guy just looking for a side piece, it went to the place of a guy treating his side piece like a piece of trash that belonged in the gutter. He flat out told me that he was keeping me, and his girlfriend around until the girl he’s really in love with comes out to see him in June. He flat out told me that he doesn’t program my number in his phone, but he keeps it on a sticky note and he lost it. What if I had never text messaged him? What if I actually did what I planned, and waited for him to text me for once? All of these questions came running through my head in a flash flood and I just simply thought to myself, this isn’t enough anymore. I need to be in a real relationship where my phone number is in the phone and I get texts in the morning and phone calls at night. I need a relationship that is just that-a relationship. I call our situation a relationship because it makes me feel better somehow. It makes me feel like I’m not just doing a dance to do the dance because I have nothing better waiting in the wings.
But I do actually have something better in the wings…me. It’s taken me 33 long, hard years to figure out that I’m terrible at knowing and accepting when *I* am enough for MYSELF. Meaning, I don’t need a guy to screw on the side, I don’t need a guy texting me every minute of the day…I just need to be ok with me.
I’d be a liar if I said that if Levi came to me in the next day, week, month, or year I wouldn’t jump-but only for a minute. Then I’d wonder, would he be doing to me what he’s doing to her? I try not to focus on that once a cheater, always a cheater statement because if that were true, I’d be a cheater for life-when in all actuality I’ll never, ever do that again to anyone. The feeling is too heavy and having your heart stomped on like that isn’t worth it for a night of satisfaction.
In addition to this happening, I found out that my Pismo Beach went back to prison yesterday. In the time I’ve known him, he’s been sent back there a total of 5 times, and I’m afraid this time, he’ll have to serve the rest of his time there. It’s a strange feeling when he goes in there…I have access to him again, and only him. I can send him letters and know that he will be the only one reading them, unlike the text messages where his “wife” can read them and respond for him. I thanked God yesterday. He literally saved Pismo’s life, because had he been out much longer he would have overdosed on drugs or gotten himself killed for some lousy reason. Not that his time in prison will be any better, he’s made a lot of enemies where he’ll probably go.
This also led me to a place where I thanked God that I didn’t get what I thought I deserved.
I would go to the ends of the earth for that man, I’d walk through fire and not even bat an eye. But really, why would I do that for someone who would NEVER do that for me? I thought I deserved a love like that, I wanted to be loved the way he loved me when he was out. But now, he’s shadowed by ugliness and bitterness and I know that I can’t bring that chaos back into my life.
I wrote him a letter knowing he’d get it today. I promised to add a phone call to my phone so he could call if he needed to talk, or if he needed something, knowing that he could very easily give it to his “wife”.
I have this unbelievable connection to Pismo that I’ve never had with any other man in my life. I can FEEL when things are happening to him. I can feel when he’s in danger, in trouble, sad, sick…all of it. I hate having that connection. It means that for the rest of my days I’ll always know that there is something wrong and there will never be anything that I can do about it, because he and I will never be a ‘Pismo and Jen’ again.
While these two men have been instrumental in my growth in the past 5 years, they have both been instrumental in such different ways. At the end of the day though, the message they taught me is exactly the same. Dependence is my weakness and as long as they allowed me to depend on them, the longer I laid in self-torture and waited for them to depend on me for once.
I want a man to look at me and be unable to breathe if I leave the room. I want a love where he sniffs the pillow when I get up from bed because he misses me that much. I want a love where…when they’re in trouble and I try to help them…instead it’s met with appreciation and love, not a demand for more help.
There’s no great lesson in this entry, no profound words to make me think I’ve actually written something worthwhile… It’s just a reminder to me that I’m worth it, and I’m not supposed to be where I’m at any longer. God is nudging me to move on by showing me the true colors of Levi, and Pismo going back to prison. I can’t even imagine what my life would be like had I married Pismo and he just kept going in and out of prison. I’m not made for that lifestyle, and I never will be.
Sometimes, there is good in good-byes.
I saw yesterday that you were sent back and really prayed on it last night on whether or not I should reach out to you.
I don’t know if I’m making the right decision, because I know that you’re married now…But the truth is Brady, no matter if we’re married and have separate families I will ALWAYS care about you and wish you nothing but the best. I don’t know if you’ll even respond, which is fine. I just want you to know that I’m thinking about you and praying for you. The only reason I knew you went back was because I had a dream about it, and sure enough I looked you up. It still amazes me to this day how I have that connection with you where I can know that something is wrong with you…Even without us talking for as long as it’s been.
I wish I had some words of wisdom or that I could say something that would matter at this point, but if you don’t want to hear from me, you’re probably not even going to give a shit about anything I have to say anyway.
I’m going to put a phone call on my phone. If you need to talk, or if there’s something I can do for you, you’re welcome to call me.
I don’t want any drama, I’m not trying to get back together with you or whatever…I am just reaching out to you as a friend, or someone who just cares. I’m sorry for everything that happened between us, and all of the parts that I played in that.
I’m also so very sorry for what happened with Brent, and I hope that at some point you can be at peace with yourself and what happened.
Just in case you’re wondering I know little to no information about how you’ve been since you’ve been out. I only know that you got married and that things were hard for you.
When I look back at our time together I think about the man that you were while you were out, and I’m proud to say that since I’ve known you, that was when you were at your best. I only wish I had done more to keep you out instead of you going back in.
I will always think of you fondly, and like I said wish nothing but the best for you. You were my first true true love and that doesn’t just disappear no matter how many horrible things are said or done.
I have started a blog and have actually started to get quite a few followers… not that you care really… but, my first blog was about you. I’m enclosing it, mostly because I think it’ll be a form of closure for me so that you know what an impact you made on my life.
I will always love you Brady, no matter what has happened in the past or what may happen in the future.
The only thing I ask of you is for you to not have your wife contact me, I’m just reaching out to you because I’m concerned, and want nothing more.
Take care of yourself in there, and as always, I’m praying for you.