Unturned pages and slowly drowning

“Sometimes you just have to turn the page to realize there’s much more to life than the page you’ve been stuck on. You can’t let the fear of moving on keep you in a chapter that’s destructive for your life. We spend so much time trying to fix what’s broken, that we don’t even realize our future holds what’s best for our hearts. It’s time to get what your life deserves and move on from the things that don’t deserve you.”

What a simple statement, right?

The truth is though, that the majority of the people who read this won’t even take a second in thinking that it’s the right thing to do. I’m one of them. I’d rather live in a life of turmoil than turn the page. Why is that? When it comes to certain situations we allow ourselves to be more miserable than necessary…and for what? There’s a beautiful quote that says; “The worst thing is watching someone drown and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by just standing up.”

What if everything were that easy? All you need to do is stand up. Instead we live in a culture where we stay drowning because that’s when we get the attention-that’s when we get the advice. People don’t look at you standing up in the water and think ‘Man, I bet she’s going through a rough patch, I think I’ll see what’s wrong.’ Since we are so often conditioned to not ask for help anymore-drowning is the best way to get the advice, or in some cases-get what you want.

Of course there are some people who don’t look for the approval of others-they don’t look for advice they just run through life haphazardly hoping that they don’t run smack dab into something that will honestly ruin their life.

I-am not one of those people. I want advice. I want to be coddled. I want to be told that everything is going to be ok and that I’m making the best decisions I can. The quote “Be patient with yourself, you’re doing the best that you can…” to me is a load of BS. I can’t be patient with myself because the truth is, I’m NOT doing the best I can.

If I was, I wouldn’t be sitting here on week 4 waiting patiently for tomorrow to come so that I could go screw Levi and start my lonely hour process all over again. I wouldn’t even be going over there because he decided to go to dinner with her and all of her friends on Friday night, knowing that he wants to end it with her. Maybe he doesn’t want to end it…Maybe he’s in fact telling me that he wants to so that I keep coming over and hoping for the best, which would be both an end and a chance. An end for her and a chance for me.

The end won’t come, and the chance won’t be there, except to lay in his bed every Tuesday night. That realization just hit me-right now as I type this entry out. Nothing is going to change. As long as I lay there with him every Tuesday, he’ll stay with her because he gets his glass filled by both of us. Although, I’m not sure what she fills his glass with because she sounds so much like the opposite of me…She somehow fills it…And I’m not sure how much. Guessing from the conversations that he and I have, and the things we do together-not very much.

I am drowning, and people are trying to get me to stand up and I just can’t bring myself to do it. I want confirmation that my waiting for him is not a terrible idea. I want confirmation that he is my lobster and that someone, somewhere can see outside of the box that I’m currently sitting in. That someday, we will actually have a chance…a go at something amazing.

Today, my one and a half legged love interest packed up his bags and moved to Jay, Oklahoma. I’ve been chasing this boy for years, and he finally eliminated himself from the equation. For a brief moment, I drowned myself with him too.

So why drown? Besides the obvious that I’ve already listed…What makes a person worthy of you drowning for them? When will you turn the page, or unstick the pages that are stuck together by the piece of chocolate that sticks them together while you’re diligently reading each page over and over again? Why is it so hard to finish the chapter when the chapter is filled with such sadness and heartbreak?

The answer is simple. At least to me.

Turning the page means you’ve given up. Standing up when you’re drowning in a shallow pool means you’ve given up. In order for me to give up on something that has torn my heart to shreds and brought it back together again would mean that I’ve wasted two years of my life and I’m giving up on someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with.

Standing up and turning the page means that I’ve been wrong the whole time about how I feel about Levi and that he was just another temporary just like everyone else.

I’ve been married and divorced 3 times. Each time I was, I felt like I’d end up divorced and that the person I was with would either end up breaking my heart, or I was making the biggest mistake of my life. And boy was I right. I’m sitting here 3 years after the last day I was actually married to my last husband, and I couldn’t be happier (about the divorces that is). But now…I have Levi, and I have a friend asking me if he picked me, if he’d make me truly happy. The answer is yes. I would marry and stick it out with him for the rest of my life. So the point is this….I’d rather drown in waiting, and I’d rather stay on the worst page of the book waiting for him to make up his mind. I know that by doing this, I’m allowing myself to stay on the page or in the chapters where a December and a California exist…But…What if I’m supposed to be on that page?

One thought on “Unturned pages and slowly drowning

  1. Everything will be okay. Everything will be fine. This is a strong words. You are a strong woman. Thanks for sharing.


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