One of my favorite Carrie Underwood songs is called “Good in Good-bye.” My favorite part, “As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt, I thank God for I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved. Sometimes life leads you down a different road…When you’re holding on to someone that you gotta let go, someday you’ll see the reason why there’s good in good-bye.”
If there were ever a time that that song meant something to me, it’d be now. The song wasn’t on the radio, it’s not a smash hit, and it’s on an album that I never listen to, but it popped up on my Spotify today.
There are so many feels that I have about this week, putting together a blog entry about it seems impossible. I know that I wish I could just sit down and have one of those amazing, soul cleansing cries. The ugly face, I can’t believe I’m sobbing this much cry.
My time with Levi, or my time of wanting to be with Levi is coming to a close and it’s a bittersweet feeling. This week he’s said and done things that go beyond the scope of a guy just looking for a side piece, it went to the place of a guy treating his side piece like a piece of trash that belonged in the gutter. He flat out told me that he was keeping me, and his girlfriend around until the girl he’s really in love with comes out to see him in June. He flat out told me that he doesn’t program my number in his phone, but he keeps it on a sticky note and he lost it. What if I had never text messaged him? What if I actually did what I planned, and waited for him to text me for once? All of these questions came running through my head in a flash flood and I just simply thought to myself, this isn’t enough anymore. I need to be in a real relationship where my phone number is in the phone and I get texts in the morning and phone calls at night. I need a relationship that is just that-a relationship. I call our situation a relationship because it makes me feel better somehow. It makes me feel like I’m not just doing a dance to do the dance because I have nothing better waiting in the wings.
But I do actually have something better in the wings…me. It’s taken me 33 long, hard years to figure out that I’m terrible at knowing and accepting when *I* am enough for MYSELF. Meaning, I don’t need a guy to screw on the side, I don’t need a guy texting me every minute of the day…I just need to be ok with me.
I’d be a liar if I said that if Levi came to me in the next day, week, month, or year I wouldn’t jump-but only for a minute. Then I’d wonder, would he be doing to me what he’s doing to her? I try not to focus on that once a cheater, always a cheater statement because if that were true, I’d be a cheater for life-when in all actuality I’ll never, ever do that again to anyone. The feeling is too heavy and having your heart stomped on like that isn’t worth it for a night of satisfaction.
In addition to this happening, I found out that my Pismo Beach went back to prison yesterday. In the time I’ve known him, he’s been sent back there a total of 5 times, and I’m afraid this time, he’ll have to serve the rest of his time there. It’s a strange feeling when he goes in there…I have access to him again, and only him. I can send him letters and know that he will be the only one reading them, unlike the text messages where his “wife” can read them and respond for him. I thanked God yesterday. He literally saved Pismo’s life, because had he been out much longer he would have overdosed on drugs or gotten himself killed for some lousy reason. Not that his time in prison will be any better, he’s made a lot of enemies where he’ll probably go.
This also led me to a place where I thanked God that I didn’t get what I thought I deserved.
I would go to the ends of the earth for that man, I’d walk through fire and not even bat an eye. But really, why would I do that for someone who would NEVER do that for me? I thought I deserved a love like that, I wanted to be loved the way he loved me when he was out. But now, he’s shadowed by ugliness and bitterness and I know that I can’t bring that chaos back into my life.
I wrote him a letter knowing he’d get it today. I promised to add a phone call to my phone so he could call if he needed to talk, or if he needed something, knowing that he could very easily give it to his “wife”.
I have this unbelievable connection to Pismo that I’ve never had with any other man in my life. I can FEEL when things are happening to him. I can feel when he’s in danger, in trouble, sad, sick…all of it. I hate having that connection. It means that for the rest of my days I’ll always know that there is something wrong and there will never be anything that I can do about it, because he and I will never be a ‘Pismo and Jen’ again.
While these two men have been instrumental in my growth in the past 5 years, they have both been instrumental in such different ways. At the end of the day though, the message they taught me is exactly the same. Dependence is my weakness and as long as they allowed me to depend on them, the longer I laid in self-torture and waited for them to depend on me for once.
I want a man to look at me and be unable to breathe if I leave the room. I want a love where he sniffs the pillow when I get up from bed because he misses me that much. I want a love where…when they’re in trouble and I try to help them…instead it’s met with appreciation and love, not a demand for more help.
There’s no great lesson in this entry, no profound words to make me think I’ve actually written something worthwhile… It’s just a reminder to me that I’m worth it, and I’m not supposed to be where I’m at any longer. God is nudging me to move on by showing me the true colors of Levi, and Pismo going back to prison. I can’t even imagine what my life would be like had I married Pismo and he just kept going in and out of prison. I’m not made for that lifestyle, and I never will be.
Sometimes, there is good in good-byes.
I saw yesterday that you were sent back and really prayed on it last night on whether or not I should reach out to you.
I don’t know if I’m making the right decision, because I know that you’re married now…But the truth is Brady, no matter if we’re married and have separate families I will ALWAYS care about you and wish you nothing but the best. I don’t know if you’ll even respond, which is fine. I just want you to know that I’m thinking about you and praying for you. The only reason I knew you went back was because I had a dream about it, and sure enough I looked you up. It still amazes me to this day how I have that connection with you where I can know that something is wrong with you…Even without us talking for as long as it’s been.
I wish I had some words of wisdom or that I could say something that would matter at this point, but if you don’t want to hear from me, you’re probably not even going to give a shit about anything I have to say anyway.
I’m going to put a phone call on my phone. If you need to talk, or if there’s something I can do for you, you’re welcome to call me.
I don’t want any drama, I’m not trying to get back together with you or whatever…I am just reaching out to you as a friend, or someone who just cares. I’m sorry for everything that happened between us, and all of the parts that I played in that.
I’m also so very sorry for what happened with Brent, and I hope that at some point you can be at peace with yourself and what happened.
Just in case you’re wondering I know little to no information about how you’ve been since you’ve been out. I only know that you got married and that things were hard for you.
When I look back at our time together I think about the man that you were while you were out, and I’m proud to say that since I’ve known you, that was when you were at your best. I only wish I had done more to keep you out instead of you going back in.
I will always think of you fondly, and like I said wish nothing but the best for you. You were my first true true love and that doesn’t just disappear no matter how many horrible things are said or done.
I have started a blog and have actually started to get quite a few followers… not that you care really… but, my first blog was about you. I’m enclosing it, mostly because I think it’ll be a form of closure for me so that you know what an impact you made on my life.
I will always love you Brady, no matter what has happened in the past or what may happen in the future.
The only thing I ask of you is for you to not have your wife contact me, I’m just reaching out to you because I’m concerned, and want nothing more.
Take care of yourself in there, and as always, I’m praying for you.