Caution Tape and Over worn Clothes

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate.”

Isn’t this the truth?

I’ll be the first to admit that I have a horrible habit of waking up with yesterday’s garbage. I wake up with anxiety like nothing happened the day before-that collectively, my life is a complete disaster-all because of what happened yesterday.

I don’t wear new clothes…In fact some weeks, I wear the same exact outfit everyday.

I’m bi-polar. And part of my bi-polarism is that some days, anxiety overruns me like a rabid dog chasing me, not giving me any time to stop and take a break. On a regular basis, I feel like the world is crumbling in around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Even when I take my anxiety meds, I still feel the walls closing in.

This leads me to my point of this post.  I know it’s silly but…

When I start a relationship with someone, it’s easy for me to fall. But at the same time, I rely on my incredible gut instincts to figure out of a guy is legitimate. For example, the guy I started dating that I thought was ghosting me, (we’ll call him sir) he disappears every weekend. I don’t hear from him for DAYS for example, this weekend, he checked out at 2:30 on Friday and I haven’t heard from him since, even though he’s been on Facebook messenger, he’s not responding at all. My gut instinct says…He has a girlfriend/wife at home and he is keeping me as a secret. I’ve been the other woman before, and it sucks. Especially when you really care about the guy. Sir is a different kind of guy for me, he’s flighty, not regimented, no solid plans, fly by the seat of your pants kind of guy. But at the same time, he’s different in his habits, and different in all the good ways that I’ve never had different before. So…What do I do? Follow my gut instincts, that you know are partial to negativity, self doubt and doubt of the person I’m with?

This may sound hypocritical, but…

Because I haven’t heard from Sir, I went on a date with…(We’ll call him Ginger). He’s crazy about me. I’m the first person he’s gone on a date with in almost two years, and he already texted back for another date. This is how it’s supposed to be. The guy who likes you, pursues you. He makes an effort and shows you he’s interested. He compliments you and tells you you’re beautiful. So my question is this. Why am I more attracted to Sir than I am Ginger? I agreed to a second date with Ginger, because I feel like I owe it to myself to give him a real legit shot. That I need to pump the breaks on Sir, wait for a bit and try this out.

But…I feel more attracted to the wild, ever changing ways of Sir. I am attracted to the dangerous possibility that I’m going to get hurt, because the hurt leaves a wound, and the wound means I FEEL. Isn’t that ridiculous? I have to take a path filled with poison ivy, wild animals and 1,000 feet drop offs just to make me feel something? Of course Ginger is the easy route. I could choose him, have a guy that is crazy about me and probably live happily ever after. But my glass won’t be full.

If you’re new reading this, let me explain my glass theory. Everyone is sitting at a restaurant with a glass of water. The waiters are men or women that are trying to win your affections. Each person fills it up partially, until you get to the person you’re supposed to be with and they fill it up all the way. In my case however; I haven’t been able to find someone who can fill my whole glass on their own since my first marriage. I’ve always had several glass fillers waiting in the wings to fill me up when I need it because I can’t make a solid decision.

I have 4 men currently who are attempting to fill my glass, and I only want Sir.

Caution, danger up ahead… I’m going in full force, even if it means I come out with a million scars, I think it’ll be worth it. And if that means I have to keep wearing the same clothes…that sucks, but I’ll make it.

5 thoughts on “Caution Tape and Over worn Clothes

  1. I feel your pain girly, i am thee same way….i call my ghoster Military Man lol he leaves me alone on the weekends but like clock work as if mandated by military hours he checka back in at 0800 hours monday morn

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  2. Last year I dated a man who met me just on Fridays. He’d stay over and leave mid Saturday and I wouldn’t hear from him all week except for a brief “hello” or “ssup” sometime on Monday-Tuesday. And then again, promptly on Friday, he’d call around 8ish, when I was getting done from work. This carried on for a month or two. And I thought I was in love with him. He was negative, yet he made me feel (or so I thought) like nothing before. The way, he said “I love you” every time, made my heart flutter. Every word, that left his lying lips were chosen in precision to make me feel like a Queen.
    All as other “waiters” (who were FAR better) waited to fill my glass the whole way (Using your metaphor). Anyway, needless to say, it didn’t work with Mr. Friday with his long hair and tattoos. And it didn’t work with the “waiters” too. And somewhere deep within, I knew it wouldn’t work. But, I had grown so numb from being in a long distance relationship with a “How was your day” and “What did you eat for dinner” for two years, that this exciting possibility of being hurt and scarred came as a welcome change. In the end, I was hurt. And depressed. For a good 4 or 5 months. Then, I switched jobs, met new people and with time, the wounds healed. It taught me a lesson, nonetheless. And, inspite of all the pain, I guess it was for the best.

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