Delicious Ambiguity

“I wanted the perfect ending. Now I’ve learned that there are some poems that don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”

I met him.

You know, THE guy that I’ve been writing about.

The guy who is completely crazy about me, wouldn’t be ashamed to show it in public, wants to marry me after the second date…THE guy.

I guess with everything comes a price, nothing can be as simple as you’d like it to be. Meet a nice guy (check), fall for him (check), live happily ever after (check)… Just kidding. There are no checks at all here. I can’t even bring myself to be attracted to Ginger whatsoever.

We went to dinner last night and he grabbed my hand when I told him how tired I was and that I wanted to go home.

He wanted to tell me how sincerely sorry he was that I was tired. He calls me babe, and sweetheart and thinks “I’m a keeper”. We’ve been on TWO dates. Not TWENTY TWO dates…Two.

Now, I know I probably sound like a hypocrite.

I’ve wanted all the things this guy can offer me for as long as I can remember.

I’ve prayed about it.

I’ve dreamt about it.

I’ve written about it more times that I can even count.

But when it shows up on my doorstep, it’s not anything that I really want.

Maybe this is God’s way of showing me that I truly do need to figure out what I want. I need to decide whether I’d have a guy who is nice all around, or someone who challenges me emotionally…

Someone that I know I won’t have to care for, but that will care for me.

Let me explain.

There are two types of men to me-the soft man, and the rigid man.

The soft man is the man that is over attentive. They want to consistently tell you how much they love you, they want to talk to you and about you all the time.

They think you’re wonderful when they’ve only known you for two minutes. The think that everything you say is the most amazing thing that’s ever been said in all of creation. They’ll take you wherever you want to go, do whatever you want to do, no matter how extravagant or ridiculous it is-they’ll do it. They’ll plan romantic get aways, when again, they’ve only known you for two minutes.

They-are a stage 5 clinger.

The soft man can also be chewed up and spit out…Meaning, his softness can overwhelm me, and all it takes is a good tongue lashing and he’s cowered in the corner apologizing, even if he technically didn’t do anything wrong.

The soft man lets the woman be the leader of the home.

The rigid guy is the man who is attentive, but in different ways, and he hardly ever comes out and says all of the things the soft man says. He shows he cares in his actions. He shows he cares by remembering the little things you’ve told him in the past and acting on them, or somehow showing that he remembered.

He doesn’t apologize for things-and most importantly he doesn’t apologize for things that aren’t his fault. If he has something happening in his life, he doesn’t try to MAKE you help him, he LETS you help him. The rigid guy has a life outside of you and makes a place for you to fit, he doesn’t make you the center of his universe.

The rigid man, is the leader of the home.

So the hypocrite in me lies here… I’ve written so many times how I want the whimsical-ness of a soft man, but now that I have one, I realize there’s no way in hell I can handle another soft man.

My first husband, Rainbows and Butterflies was a soft man. I wore the pants in our marriage, I made the decisions, the rules, the plans, and the…everything.

I’m sure I’ll get chewed up and spit out for this, but honestly in my head since I’m scarred by the marriage of a woman who was left by her husband for another man-the soft man, in my head associates “softness” with a gay man. I know this isn’t politically correct, and I know being soft doesn’t make you gay, but in MY experience, unfortunately, that’s what happens in my brain. It’s just like I will never date another man who works in an office, Rainbows and Butterflies has and always will be an office worker, whereas all of the other men I’ve been married to or dated since have been physical workers. One – where they get their hands dirty and when they come home for the day you can tell they’ve worked their asses off.

My head is confused and my heart is muddy.

Why does it have to be so difficult? If I could combine Sir, Mark, and Ginger, I’d have the perfect man.

Wouldn’t it be easier if we could just go to a machine and push the buttons of what we want and have someone appear that way?

The other issue with Ginger is his mental health. Like me, he is
bi-polar, and to my knowledge
bi-polar depressive.

My greatest issue with people who have this disability, is when they allow it to debilitate them so badly instead of attempting therapies that can help them.

Yes, most of them have generalized anxiety disorder, yes most of them have manic depressive episodes, but honestly…You can be a functioning bi-polar person.

What I see across the board in all mental health issues is that people receive a treatment plan, and when it doesn’t work they think that’s all that can be offered to them. They don’t try alternative therapies, they just somehow accept a life of mediocrity at best.

Back to Ginger, he leans on his
bi-polar disorder. Meaning, he takes the disability and makes it the answer as to why he does this, and that. He doesn’t accept ownership or responsibility for his issues, when in all actuality, they are more addictive personality issues than bi-polar issues. /off of my psychological ranting soap box.

Just a recap: Ginger is a soft man, too nice (and YES there is such a thing) and isn’t all together in his mental health. It appears that he has a drinking problem and he’s a stage 5 clinger.

My question is this: Do you accept a life of mediocrity with someone who looks good on paper and fulfills all the things you think you want? Or do you forge forward looking for someone who looks good in person and only fills up half of the boxes on the paper?

Mark has decided to choose his girlfriend as his partner, maybe even his wife. December never came, and I was never really an option. I professed my love to him in between a date with Ginger, a falling out with Sir and a confirmation from Mark that he had chosen her.

I told him that I was glad I had a boyfriend so I could stop pining away for him. His answer was concise and pointed: “I’m glad you found someone.”

Mark, is accepting a life of mediocrity with a person who looks good on paper instead of taking a chance on someone who may only fill half the page.

I’m ok with that chapter ending, it appears I’ve got a few new ones waiting in the wings.

Delicious Ambiguity.

That has been my favorite phrase for years, ambiguity is my favorite word…Unknown.

Maybe I need to saddle up and accept that the person who is right on paper AND perfect for me in the regular world will show up on my doorstep. So far, the contenders don’t seem to be right.

Delicious Ambiguity. Always remember that things will never turn out the way that you expect it, and no matter how hard you try-there will always be an unknown.

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