“You’ll end up really disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.”
I don’t know why I thought this time would be any different. It never fails, every single time I write about a new relationship in my journal, and now I guess here…
Something falls apart. Sir came to town on Saturday, stayed for an hour and left. I haven’t heard from him since.
The 2016 version of me believes that everything should be okay since we’re still friends on Facebook, but the 2000 version of me says – if we’re okay, why haven’t I heard from him in 3 days?
My gut reaction is that he has someone at home that he has guaranteed his time to. Every weekend since we met, he checks out from Friday evening to Monday. However; this time is different. He spent the day posting stuff on Facebook Sunday with no response to my two text messages. I’ve been diligent about keeping my attempts to a minimum because I don’t want to deal with the whole ‘you’re smothering me’ aspect.
My question here is-if you love someone how could you leave them hanging like this when clearly, they just want some resolution? I told him yesterday, even if you don’t want this anymore, just tell me so I know what’s going on instead of sitting here wondering.
Some of you have asked what happened to Ginger, the soft guy. He’s still around. In fact yesterday he sent me the sweetest message about how he has a big heart and he wants me to get to know him and learn about his life, as much as he wants to learn about mine. I posed this question on Facebook last night-do you go for the super unobtainable, or do you take the easy road?
Ginger is the easy road. I’m pretty sure if I told him right now that I wanted to exclusively date, and that I wanted to be with him for good, it’d be in the bag. The super unobtainable would be Sir of course. He drives me crazy, and I hate that I can’t settle him down enough to where he can even tell me that he has someone at home.
Then there’s my next question…When you love someone, how much do you take before enough is enough? I’ve done this so many times, and wondered the answer. Hell, when I was married to my second husband, he cheated EIGHTY times…Yes, you read that right. Eighty. As in eight-zero. He was in a car accident when he was 16 that damaged his right frontal lobe. Aka, the part of your brain that affects reasoning, spacial awareness, and the ability to know right from wrong. So I went to the Dr. with him. I listened to what the Dr. had to say….after time 25 or so. And because it was something that was directly affected by his accident, I let it go. He put my sexual health at risk, he put me in the crazy place. I was reading his text messages, monitoring when he went places…anything I could do to make myself feel better. But at what point was enough, enough? Time eighty fixed that for me. At this point he had hit on every single one of my friends, he’d cheated with mothers of his friends, he cheated with the wives of motorcycle gang members…He ran the full out gamete.
In my previous entry, She Gets What I Deserve, I openly discussed the fact that I am a mistress. I’ve fought the good fight, but have ended up standing at the finish line while some other girl (or woman) has crossed that line to get the prize. Granted, those guys aren’t really a “prize” if they’re a lying, cheating scum bag. But somewhere in my head, I feel like I deserve to end up with the prize.
Back to my question, when you love someone, how much do you take before enough is enough? Say Sir has someone at home…Do I really just lay there and take it? I would…because the ridiculously unobtainable is what intrigues me. It makes me want more and it makes me want to fight harder, where as I could just sit there and take
Ginger’s affections and be ok with the fact that he will never challenge me. He will essentially do what I want, when I want it without even a protest. I don’t want that anymore. I’ve had it too many times. I feel like I need to be challenged so that I can feel things. So that I know I’m still moving in some direction other than being stagnant controlling a situation that I don’t want to control.
Would I leave if I found out that Sir has someone? I’d like to say yes. But then my gut says no. Why do I do that to myself? “Some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains.” Yikes. I’m afraid I can now consider myself the storm creator. I stay, knowing that things aren’t right. I stay, knowing that my intuition has never been wrong, and that I know what’s really going on. I stay, knowing that at the end of the day, I’m probably not going to get to cross the finish line, but instead I’ll just sit sedatary at the actual line itself waiting for the opportunity to run and grab that damn trophy.
I don’t believe that I need to feel things in order to be someone. But at the same time, I know the bi-polar part of me is destructive to my soul. My friends and I call it emotional cutting. I find something to focus on that I know isn’t healthy, and just forge forward to it knowing that at some point, my heart and soul will get broken. I intentionally put myself in places where I have to make ridiculous decisions, or where the decisions are made for me and I’m left sitting there in the ruble and aftermath.
Ginger wouldn’t do that to me. In fact, I know that Ginger would never intentionally hurt me even in the slightest way possible. I wish I knew what to do next. It’d be nice if a path was laid out before me so that I knew when to take a turn, when to go back to the beginning or when I’m going to make the end, but realistically, that’s never going to happen. I’m just going to hang back, try to stop emotionally cutting and set a deadline to make a decision. When do I walk back in on faith and know that God has bigger plans for me? He doesn’t want me to sit here and hurt, He wants me to flourish and have successful, healthy relationships.
The last question is this…What if he responds, or calls, or texts? What do I do? Do I respond? Or do I just straight up recognize that this isn’t how I want to be treated and leave it alone, no matter the feels that I have for him?
Emotional cutting at it’s finest folks, emotional cutting.