Chapters, New Beginnings and Gingers

“Sometimes in life, we dedicate entire chapters and books to people who barely give us a footnote in the story of their lives.”

If this is the case, I’m a terrible writer.

I allow more than one chapter to be filled with tales of falling in and out of love with the wrong guy, I have chapters where I let someone back in that shouldn’t be there because they don’t deserve it. Basically, I could dedicate a whole book to some people.

I’ve been at a loss for words as to what to write about. I’ve got writers block.

In addition to that, my life has been a crazy whirlwind the past couple of weeks that settling down to write about how I’m feeling and how things are going has been near impossible.

It has been almost three weeks since I last heard from Sir. I’ve tried contacting him on so many occasions and in every time, nothing comes back. I’m half tempted to drive down to where he lives and put a big banner in his yard saying HAPPY FATHERS DAY!! That’d be pretty bitchy of me, wouldn’t it? But…A part of me says he deserves it. His girlfriend or wife probably wouldn’t be happy, but, maybe he should have thought of that sooner.

I don’t miss him much anymore, only when I hear a song on the radio that I know he likes, or when someone calls into my work with an identical last name.

I know that this is his loss, and that makes me sad. I know now, (after some serious soul-searching) that I am certain that I’m worth more than a tryst in a hotel room, or a visit once every couple of weeks. I’m better than a fake ‘I love you’.

I’ve yet to make a decision about what I’m going to do. No one knows the situation I’m in, and I think I’d like to keep it that way for now. This will be the hardest decision I think I’ll have to make. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made hard decisions before, but this time is different. I’m reaching an age where having a baby will be more difficult, and I’m in a serious relationship with another man, who I was kind of seeing when this happened.

Onward and upward, right?

A little known fact, I’m still technically married. Although “Mr.Z” and I have been physically separated since April of 2013 when Pismo and I started dating, we’re still not divorced. I had filed a couple of years ago, but apparently it didn’t go through. So, I finally pulled up my big girl panties and filled out the paperwork AGAIN. Hopefully this time it will stick.

The finality of divorce is a funny thing. You are ready for it to happen when it does, but there’s a piece of your heart that breaks off when you get that paper saying things are final. I hate it, but at the same time it’s like you’re a butterfly being released from a cocoon. You want to know how the ending should have been. If you could have stayed together, how would it have been? You feel like a failure because you couldn’t hold things together when you needed to the most. For me of course the biggest thing is the what if. I suffer from the what if on a regular basis, but in divorce land it’s worse. But…maybe sometimes the not knowing is better than the knowing-because in the not knowing, we can write our own ending.

I have a theory, there are 3 times in your life where someone will show their true personality to you. 1) When they are in charge of a deceased persons things. If they’re willing to share, or if they hoard everything, really shows you who they are. 2) When they’re planning a wedding. It’s kind of like how people say if you want to date someone, put them in front of a computer with dial-up, or give them tangled Christmas lights. Wedding planning is stressful, and how they treat you during that time is a tell all. 3) When you are getting divorced. You can be married to the most amazing person, but when it comes to divorce time-that person -can-become the UGLIEST person you’ve ever seen in your life. They will say horrible things, do horrible things and ultimately leave you wondering if you ever knew them at all.

Divorce and Sir aside, my relationship with Ginger seems to be trucking along. He is incredibly sweet, and it scares me to death. I’m not good at the nice guys. I like the drama, the hard to catch. But, as a dear friend put it, we’re not in middle school anymore. The hard to catch, is the hard to catch and nothing will ever change about them. I like the bad boys. The sweet guy seems boring and mundane to me. But I’m trying. Really, really trying.

Here’s to better chapters to read, starting over and really, really trying.

I know you’ve been there too, and I hope you know now that you’re not alone.

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