Trainwrecks and A Tattered, Over-Read, Old Book

 

 

Yes. Never, ever, ever go back to an ex.

 

I’ve spent the last week trying to write the words for  and I just can’t figure out what to say. It’s a huge mess, and I’ve gladly stepped into it without a single question or second thought.

I let someone go, and he let me go almost 5 years ago, and somehow by a Facebook message we’ve found our way back to each other, and I can’t…I just can’t. When I let him go, I was in love with him, and I know that I am still. The only difference, was that was married then…To his BEST FRIEND and now, he is married.

When we crossed the line before, I was prepared for it, I knew what I was doing and I WANTED it. I wanted to hurt my husband, and I wanted a relationship with Mr. J. This time though…I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I have Ginger, I’m HAPPY  with Ginger. Ginger is in love with me, and I want to honor him. But I’m not.

I think at this point, maybe I’m not even sure how to honor someone. I haven’t done it in so long, I don’t remember how to be in a relationship where you honor them, how to be with only them-and love ONLY them.

I’m in love with Mr. J. I have been, and always will be. I would have left my husband for him in a heartbeat if he would have asked me to back then, even though the circumstances were completely ridiculous and he and I had created a complete and utter disaster of our lives, our friendships, his family and my marriage.

It’s no secret to anyone how a relationship will turn out when you start it as an affair. It very rarely ends well, and in most cases, it ends in a complete and utter train wreck where everyone stands by and watches the train burst into flames.

One of my best friends is currently experiencing the opposite side. Her husband is cheating on her with a woman who says she is in love with him. I’m being the supportive friend and trying to help her through things, but honestly…I feel like a hypocrite. I AM a hypocrite. I sit here on the good side of the fence with my friend, but hop over to the other side of the fence when I go to Mr. J.

We haven’t had sex, but we’ve done other things. He has decided he doesn’t want to keep doing them, and he wants to have a solid friendship. But conveniently, he’s stepped back into the shadows after he got what he wanted.

Hence the, never go back to an ex because it’s like reading the same book over and over again…you already know the outcome.

I know where this goes, and I know how things end with Mr. J. He walks and I run towards him hoping he picks me. The difference is this time-I’ve got someone who really cares about me, and he’s got a wife and a baby.

This isn’t supposed to work, and this is why I never have a good relationship. I fuck things up, and for the most part while they’re happening, I really don’t care. Honestly, I don’t think of the repercussions while I’m with him. I just think about all of the possibilities if the world were perfect and after all this time he decided to pick me.

But, he won’t pick me. And I won’t pick him, because I don’t want a man who is willing to skirt around on his wife. LMAO, isn’t that funny? I want a man who is committed, but it’s okay for me not to be?

I need to end this post for tonight. I’m incredibly cynical and talking in circles.

Bottom line…Never, ever go back to your ex. Ever.

 

3 thoughts on “Trainwrecks and A Tattered, Over-Read, Old Book

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s