“I suppose part of the answers we seek is being bold enough to ask the questions and brave enough to face whatever is on the other side of these questions. Or maybe some answers simply aren’t meant to be known because they would hurt too much. Or they would set us on a course where we don’t belong. Or, change our story altogether. Maybe, sometimes the not knowing is better than the knowing–because in the not knowing, we can write our own ending. In the beautiful uncertainty of it all, we can find our own closure.” -Mandy Hale Beautiful Uncertainty
“You have to allow yourself to be broken sometimes without trying to cover it up, run from it, hide from it, or conceal it from the world. You have to let the pain do it’s thing. Allow it to wash over you, allow the tears to fall, stop asking. “How do I make it stop?” and start asking, “What did this come to teach me?”. It might lead to uncomfortable realizations and difficult questions, but it will also lead to growth. It will lead to change. It will lead to self-discovery. And eventually, it will lead to a new and better version of you. So don’t pick yourself up off the floor just yet. Stay there. The floor has lessons to teach you. Rock bottom has lessons to teach you. This moment has lessons to teach you. Lessons that can only be learned from a place of surrender.” Because the beautiful thing about being broken is sometimes your eyes, arms and heart are left wide open. To see. To praise. To Love. To Fly.” -Mandy Hale Beautiful Uncertainty
“Then I looked around this place, at the chaos it’s endured, the way it’s been adapted, burnt, pillaged then found a way to build itself back up again and I was reassured. Maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it.
Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation..” Elizabeth Gilbert Eat, Pray, Love
What if I told you that for the second time in a month, I had a man tell me he loves me?
What if I told you that for the first time in 10 years, I actually believe him?
What if I told you that I am scared to death….because….well…..I’m not used to the nice guy. I’m used to the douchebags like Sir. I’m used to the guy that only wants me for one thing, and not for the other. I’m used to the guy who doesn’t want me.
I know there are so many of you that take the guy that seems to be the easiest, least handful type of man. The guy who just sweeps you off of your feet to say that you’ve got someone like that. But maybe, just maybe, the lesson here is that we’re supposed to take the harder road. The road that scares the shit out of you-because that road, is like a road you’re 4 wheeling on. The scariest times are when you’re hanging off the side of a cliff-but in that second-you get to seem some crazy beautiful stuff.
So here are my lessons for the day:
1) When you find IT, keep it. Don’t chicken out. You’ll never learn the lesson if you doing take the chance.
2) “I used to want a flashy love, shiny love. now I know that’s the stuff of glitter, not gold. I’d rather you give me steadfast and wholehearted instead.” Take that-and remember it. Maybe the things of glitter, like Sir, are just a preparation for the gold like Ginger.
3) If you’re not ready to jump into the love pool, or even wade into the kiddy pool, wait it out. Love isn’t about you being scared to take the plunge, it’s about you feeling the right moment sneak up on you like a creepy snake in the grass.
4) You don’t have to say it back. It may seem crazy, but when he said it, I wasn’t ready. Sure I care about him a whole bunch, but the REAL love scared the crap out of me. Saying it back meant it was more significant, more realistic.
5) It WILL happen to you. I have so many friends that ask, how do you get that to happen? The answer, I. Have. Absolutely. No. Clue. All I can say, is be genuine with your heart, with yourself and who you want to be. So often I found myself settling for the Mr. Right now, instead of the Mr. I can do this forever.
Now, that’s not to say that I’ve become a perfect angel over night and decided that all things shall revolve around Ginger. In fact, I’m so fucked up in the head that I honestly do things that I know would hurt him, but justify that he’ll never find out.
My original purpose of this post was to say that I’m stuck. And to be honest-I kind of am.
I’m supposed to be so happy that someone finally loves me for what I have to offer, without sex, but I’m over here still having sex with Mark, and trying to conquest what he refers to himself as-Hopalong, a guy I’ve been head over heels crazy…Maybe legit crazy about for over two years now. I’m having inappropriate relations with a married man, that I cheated on my husband with…Who is now cheating on his wife with me. I-am a complete and utter disaster
Part of my daddy issues that have crept in are just this. I use sex as a measurement for love and/or affection..or appreciation or something , and since Ginger and I haven’t crossed that line yet-I think that I don’t really appreciate what he is trying to offer me.
Daddy issues aside, I am DETERMINED, to have this work. I deserve it and I just need to convince myself that I do instead of trying to chicken out.