Loving Someone Doesn’t Make Them Deserve You

“You are stronger and bigger than what they did, and you don’t have to let it define you any longer. Forgive. Let go. Move on. Don’t. Look. Back. Your new beginning is waiting.”

I finally took the plunge and said good-bye for good to She Gets What I Deserve (to be referred to as SGWID from now on) guy.

3 years, affairs to be had on both sides and many, many lies and broken hearts.

I’ve always unrealistically hoped that in some way, just ONE relationship would end in perfect form. Like…a perfectly folded origami art. Not a piece of paper that was burned along the edges, twisting and turning. But instead, it ended like this.

For the second time in a month, he rented me a hotel room just down the street from his house. He kept telling me he’d be over, but didn’t know when, so there I lay, tossing and turning, trying to sleep all of the goodies…and he waltzes in around 10 pm. We laid there in the bed and were talking about the dating websites I’ve joined (there have been many…too many. Like say…everything from Tinder to J-date and I’m not even Jewish!) we talked about Plenty of Fish. I jokingly told him it was a complete and total disaster because I met him on there (when in all actuality I wasn’t really kidding, it was a complete shit show). I wish I could find the entry where I was talking to him, but for some reason when I go through my posts it’s not there. When we met he had just gotten out of prison and was in a half way house. He did NOT jokingly respond to me, but instead took out a pirate sword and stabbed me straight in the heart “when I was in prison, when we got out they told us to go on PoF because that’s the easiest way to get pussy.”

Wow.

He has done a lot of things to me, but actually put into words that that is all he was looking for…Was almost as bad as him leaving me pregnant with twins for his fiance. I don’t know why it hurt. But also, it stirred something up in me that I hadn’t felt in so long. I deserve better. Yes, I know, foreign for me, but yes-I deserve better. I only had this happen one other time with Pismo and it’s such a liberating feeling.

What I forgot to mention was that SGWID shows up to the hotel room like he just went home, showered and got dressed. Like-I had caught him in his night clothes. Funny thing, he took the trash out at home and then drove off…Not even telling his wife where he was going…even forgetting his e-cig at home. We’re talking sad country song drove off to the grocery store and never came home.

I lost a lot of respect for him (what little I had left) because, while what we were doing was wrong, to me him doing that to her was the first step to me freely walking out the door.

This time I feel no sadness, no what-if’s. I told him that he made a mistake and that he would’ve had a happy life had he chosen me. But am I really the first person to decide who people should chose, or whether we COULD actually be happy?

He told me what I wanted to hear for so very long… “You’re right.”

The end to me was like a rollover accident. The car just keeps flipping and flipping until it comes to a sudden stop-and rests peacefully. So the end of him and I started when he came back into my life a month ago. I had hard feelings, I was sad, heart-broken, etc. My level security and faith were gone, and replaced by the brick walls. I never truly went back to him all the way, and for that I’ll be eternally grateful to God for protecting my heart. I just dipped my toes in the water to feel the familiar feeling, the love, and respect. Only this time, the water was infested with alligators and my toe got bit before I got all the way in.

I messaged him and told him: “I made a mistake, I can’t do this.” his response: “I don’t think I can either” (insert commentary: why do guys or girls always do this when they’re getting broken up with? Why do we think that it some how takes away the obviousness that they broke up with you…..right.) I told him: “You’ve never made me feel as much like a piece of ass as you did last night, and you’re NEVER going to leave her.” I never heard anything back.

I should feel sad, that chapter was a big one and the stories I can tell (mostly negative) would shake even the strongest of women. I felt purely devoted love, I felt the happiness of starting a family, and most importantly I found what it was like to date someone who was not your normal type, and for the most part (the good ones) it was fantastic.

I’m not happy or sad. Just relieved. It needed to be done, and the time had long since passed from the time I should have originally done this.

20 seconds of insane courage.

Your Tiara is Slipping

“If you’re gonna love somebody, you better love somebody who ruins your lipstick not your mascara.”

I don’t wear lipstick, so how could I honestly date someone who ruins my lipstick only…even metaphorically?

I don’t even know where to start. Things are so fucked up, I haven’t written in my journal for months. I used to write every.single.day. Let’s not even talk about how long I’ve left you all hanging.

Ginger and I bit the dust. I won’t lie. I cried, and I was angry, but the more I think about it, the more I know with 100% certainty that he wasn’t the right one for me. I want crazy love. Like the country song says: “I don’t want good, I don’t want good enough, I want can’t sleep can’t breathe without you love.”  That my friends, is what I want. Life with Ginger wasn’t like that. It was mundane, stagnant. There was no excitement, no laughter, no playing. And one day, it just ended.

One day out of the blue, (I can’t remember the name I gave him) the guy from She Gets What I Deserve, the one who had the fiance while we were together…He came back literally two days after Ginger and I broke up. He came barreling in without pausing to see what the effects would be, because honestly, he probably doesn’t care. He is having trouble with his wife, he’s going to see an attorney, he wants a divorce, he needs companionship. All the bullshit things that any guy who just needs to get a piece would say. And sure as shit, I fell for it. Hook, line and sinker. I even went so far as to get a hotel room with him, and spend 6 hours of my life “the way it used to be” and this time I could feel the walls and it pissed me off. I am by nature a lover, I will completely devote myself to someone without a second thought, and I will stay there firmly planted in the ground until something earth shattering makes me move.

“Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time—everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

I do not relay these facts about myself with pride, but this is how it’s always been.”

I allowed him to come back, but this time I didn’t fall into the rabbit hole. I stood far out wondering if I could ever go back in. I told him he was stupid, that he could have chosen me and we would have a good life together. He said I’m right. While in most cases that should be music to ones ears, it made me so incredibly sad. I’m someone’s almost and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I know I myself have a few almosts, but; up until that day, I never knew that I was someone else’s almost.

I’m being particularly hard on myself right now which is sending me into a dark room with no room for light to come in and I hate it because opening the door scares me.

I’m one of those people who everyone says: “Oh just try being alone for a while, it will be good for you.” Anyone who knows me knows that’s a load of bullshit and that it just doesn’t work for me. It used to be that I physically couldn’t be alone. Now, it’s just virtually? I must have someone who is giving me attention. I have to have someone who wants me around. Because this, is how I feel love. And if I don’t feel love I go on a crazy bipolar screwing spree that ends up with me in a worse place than I ever started in.

I know many of you aren’t a fan of my buddy, Mark.

Isn’t it funny how you end up back in a spot with someone you don’t want to end up with, so many times you start to wonder if there’s a reason? Somehow it’s always him. He’s the one that ends up next to me when the guy dumps me, or I dump the guy, or I get ghosted or ditched. Why is that I wonder?

There’s no doubt in my mind that I’m head over heels in love with him. Things have shifted the past couple of weeks, but not enough for there to be any significant movement.

I want to be the woman who isn’t waiting on movement from a man. I want to BE the movement. I want to shake someone’s world up so hard that when he tries to stand still it feels like he has vertigo. I want to be the woman who the guy can’t get enough of.

I’m sure when I’m ready I’ll go more into what happened with Ginger. Let’s just put it this way…He was NOTHING like we all thought he was.

So here’s my final thought for this kinda crappy post:

If we’re willing to make space in our lives for people of all shapes and sizes, we’re bound to learn some incredible lessons. Some so hard that our heart shatters, some so beautiful that our hearts jump up and lodge themselves in the back of our throats until the beauty fades. We’ll know the sorrow of a loss, we’ll know the joy of a success and last but not least, if we’re lucky enough we’ll find that completeness that we’re all looking for. But, when someone shatters that space, breaks the glass, how do we create that space again without thinking that the next person will take away all the beauty from us? We all have that one person that really really fucked us up. I don’t care who you are, how long you’ve been marred, if you’ve never been married…It can be a lover, a friend, a family member…sometimes even a stranger. Bottom line, we all have that person. How did you build your room back up so you could let someone in?

I don’t know about you, but I’d love for my room to be made of glass so he can see me when he finally shows up.