“You are stronger and bigger than what they did, and you don’t have to let it define you any longer. Forgive. Let go. Move on. Don’t. Look. Back. Your new beginning is waiting.”
I finally took the plunge and said good-bye for good to She Gets What I Deserve (to be referred to as SGWID from now on) guy.
3 years, affairs to be had on both sides and many, many lies and broken hearts.
I’ve always unrealistically hoped that in some way, just ONE relationship would end in perfect form. Like…a perfectly folded origami art. Not a piece of paper that was burned along the edges, twisting and turning. But instead, it ended like this.
For the second time in a month, he rented me a hotel room just down the street from his house. He kept telling me he’d be over, but didn’t know when, so there I lay, tossing and turning, trying to sleep all of the goodies…and he waltzes in around 10 pm. We laid there in the bed and were talking about the dating websites I’ve joined (there have been many…too many. Like say…everything from Tinder to J-date and I’m not even Jewish!) we talked about Plenty of Fish. I jokingly told him it was a complete and total disaster because I met him on there (when in all actuality I wasn’t really kidding, it was a complete shit show). I wish I could find the entry where I was talking to him, but for some reason when I go through my posts it’s not there. When we met he had just gotten out of prison and was in a half way house. He did NOT jokingly respond to me, but instead took out a pirate sword and stabbed me straight in the heart “when I was in prison, when we got out they told us to go on PoF because that’s the easiest way to get pussy.”
He has done a lot of things to me, but actually put into words that that is all he was looking for…Was almost as bad as him leaving me pregnant with twins for his fiance. I don’t know why it hurt. But also, it stirred something up in me that I hadn’t felt in so long. I deserve better. Yes, I know, foreign for me, but yes-I deserve better. I only had this happen one other time with Pismo and it’s such a liberating feeling.
What I forgot to mention was that SGWID shows up to the hotel room like he just went home, showered and got dressed. Like-I had caught him in his night clothes. Funny thing, he took the trash out at home and then drove off…Not even telling his wife where he was going…even forgetting his e-cig at home. We’re talking sad country song drove off to the grocery store and never came home.
I lost a lot of respect for him (what little I had left) because, while what we were doing was wrong, to me him doing that to her was the first step to me freely walking out the door.
This time I feel no sadness, no what-if’s. I told him that he made a mistake and that he would’ve had a happy life had he chosen me. But am I really the first person to decide who people should chose, or whether we COULD actually be happy?
He told me what I wanted to hear for so very long… “You’re right.”
The end to me was like a rollover accident. The car just keeps flipping and flipping until it comes to a sudden stop-and rests peacefully. So the end of him and I started when he came back into my life a month ago. I had hard feelings, I was sad, heart-broken, etc. My level security and faith were gone, and replaced by the brick walls. I never truly went back to him all the way, and for that I’ll be eternally grateful to God for protecting my heart. I just dipped my toes in the water to feel the familiar feeling, the love, and respect. Only this time, the water was infested with alligators and my toe got bit before I got all the way in.
I messaged him and told him: “I made a mistake, I can’t do this.” his response: “I don’t think I can either” (insert commentary: why do guys or girls always do this when they’re getting broken up with? Why do we think that it some how takes away the obviousness that they broke up with you…..right.) I told him: “You’ve never made me feel as much like a piece of ass as you did last night, and you’re NEVER going to leave her.” I never heard anything back.
I should feel sad, that chapter was a big one and the stories I can tell (mostly negative) would shake even the strongest of women. I felt purely devoted love, I felt the happiness of starting a family, and most importantly I found what it was like to date someone who was not your normal type, and for the most part (the good ones) it was fantastic.
I’m not happy or sad. Just relieved. It needed to be done, and the time had long since passed from the time I should have originally done this.
20 seconds of insane courage.