It’s Your Tail You’re Chasing

“Well this moment is heavy
For me I’m not ready
Like a caged bird barely set free
Forgive me I’m finding my wings

While my body is present
My heart is absent
In my mind is racing
My feet are pacing

It’s your tail you’re chasing
It’s your past I’m erasing
And a heart can’t be tested
When it ain’t well-rested”

Hello my followers. I’m sorry it’s been so long. I’ve been finding myself and the drive to my current destination has been a little bumpy.

As I wrote in my first post to my old friend…I’ve been missing my friend terribly for the past couple of weeks. I hate friendship break ups, especially when they are permanent.

I met a boy.

He makes my heart skip a beat and makes me want to sail on a unicorn in rainbows with butterflies and flowers surrounding me. He-is the guy that makes me realize why it didn’t work with anyone else, and I’m hopelessly in love with him.

Well this moment is heavy for me-I’m not ready. Like a caged bird barely set free, forgive me I’m finding my wings.”

That about pegs me to a T right now. This feeling-is heavy. It’s not a bad suffocating heavy, it’s more like a…compression blanket laying on me and I’m ready to be a butterfly now.

It hasn’t been long since I started to try to find myself. It hasn’t been long since I found her, buried in the rubble of so many years passed, and so many heart breaks. It hasn’t been long that I’ve been on my own, really on my own and dependant upon myself. Sure…I’ve done this before. But THIS time, I am actually succeeding.

He wants to move in together. He wants to have two separate bedrooms, but lets face it, is that really possible? Can two people who are sleeping together (purely sleeping) really sleep in different rooms just because they exist?

“The thing about being single is, you should cherish it. Because, in a week, or a lifetime, of being alone, you may only get one moment. One moment, when you’re not tied up in a relationship with anyone. A parent, a pet, a sibling, a friend. One moment, when you stand on your own. Really, truly single. And then… It’s gone.”

I feel like this quote is absolutely beautiful but completely frightening at the same time. You really do have the choice, and only one moment where you aren’t tied up with someone and you can stand on your own mountain top and say to yourself, “this is me, and this is what I’m making myself to be”.

So, what should I do my friends?

Move in? Change things forever? Or wait. Apply the breaks and cost slowly down the hill in first gear while the beauty of the beginning of a relationship keep showing, and then when the beauty wears off, THEN make that decision?

You can always count on one thing when you’re in a relationship. Living with reckless abandon. It’s not very often that you put your parachute up and slowly drift to the earth. It’s more like you jumping out of a plane, head first with absolutely no stopping.

I think I might be done with reckless abandon.

 

My Old Friend

 

“My old friend-I recall; the times we had, hanging on my wall. I wouldn’t trade them for gold, cause they laugh and they cry me…Somehow sanctify me-they’re woven in the stories I have told, and tell again”

Dear old friend:

The Facebook “this time a year ago” feature will be the death of me. Your happy face pops up nearly every day and I can’t help but feel the biggest tug at my heart-strings knowing you aren’t here, and you never will again.

It wasn’t some tragic departure, you’re still alive, from what I know you’re well, and incredibly happy.

What it was was me, going out on a limb. Pushing the boundaries and testing our friendship in the most unhealthy ways possible. It was me, being jealous of your new boyfriend. It was me…being jealous that our friendship was dwindling because the guy became more important.

I won’t take all the blame, but I will say that for the most part your actions were purely justified.

Now, on to the good stuff.

The first thing I can do is thank you for blessing me with your soul for two beautiful years. You made my life a bright and shiny place where there were so many times that I felt like there was nothing but a dark cloud. You hugged me and cried with me, but most importantly-you knew me by my soul. Not just a surface friendship, but it was deep, intricately woven I can feel you cry from another room friendship.

The worst part about our “break-up” is I will never know if I’m a fleeting thought in your mind. I’ll never know if when he proposes you somehow wish you could tell me, or if you see a car like mine, you think of me. I’ll never know if you still listen to our songs by accident and remember everything that we had in our friendship.

Friendship break-ups are excruciating.

I want to call you up almost every day, and I want to just hear your voice and hear how happy you are.

When your first boyfriend after your divorce died, I emailed you…I don’t know if you ever read it, but you needed to know.

The beauty of our friendship, of any friendship really is the memories. Those moments that seemed insignificant at the time, but add up to a beautifully painted Picaso picture with all the intricacies that show every single detail of your life together and apart. The memories take all of the pieces of you that were missing before that person, and somehow melds all of your friendship colors together. The sight of this painting is absolutely amazing.

I will always miss you. Who knows if our paths will cross again, it’s been a long terrible year without you. I can say that I am sitting here, surviving and not laying in the gutter somewhere. I will always miss telling you my secrets, sharing my heart with you and going on adventures (We had the best adventures, didn’t we?)

I’m sorry for pushing the boundaries. I shouldn’t have, and know that now. But in losing you, I found myself and I’m stronger than I ever imagined I could be.

All my love,

Your old friend