Painting Pillows

“All of the hurt, all of the pain, keeps coming down like black rain.
All that we were, every touch leaves a mark you can’t wash away.
Boy, you’re like a tattoo in my head, like you never left this bed
Me and my tears with no one to hold…Just painting pillows”

My ex husband called me today. I haven’t talked about him much because to be honest…We’ve been divorced for almost 10 years and none of it makes any sense to me.  You know when you have such a profound connection with someone who your time apart just makes absolutely no sense? That would be this situation. Except, he’s gay. He’s a beautiful man, inside and out and I love the days where we can spend an hour or more on the phone just updating each other. Tomorrow is my cousin’s death anniversary, a day that is near and dear to both of our hearts–and it makes my soul a happy knowing that we still share that and that our hour-long conversation was a ommage to my beautiful cousin who took his life when he was only 18. There are days where I think back and wonder what my life would be like had we not divorced. I know that I would be in a completely different place…Would I have kids? Would we live the white picket fence life, or would we be divorced like everyone else we know that was 20 (or 21) when they got married?

I’m armed with a 1.5 liter bottle of wine and my brain is spinning.

It’s been one month, and I’m making it. Each day gets a little bit easier, but the thoughts of what could have been, or the want to text him and tell him something small or insignificant about my day is overwhelming. When you find a partner in crime that you can share all of that with…losing it… is like standing in an open field waiting for crop dusters to come and bomb the hell out of you in no particular order. You never know when a tear is going to fall or when the hurt will just make you want to crumble in a corner and rock yourself back to sanity.

I hate that he probably knows how much I miss him and that the power isn’t even there for me to take back. I hate knowing that he doesn’t miss me. I hate knowing that he didn’t care about enough to keep some kind of relationship alive.

I went back on Tinder.

Holy mother of…What a freaking joke that is. I had some kid ask me if he could “make my oyster moister”. I laugh at it now because honestly, that was the only thing sent to me, he didn’t even have the couth to introduce himself. I know Tinder is widely recognized as an app that is for hooking up, but I’ve dated some pretty decent guys from there, so I have hope.

I’m sure there is someone out there who pays close enough attention to this blog to know that I’ve kind of had someone I’ve been seeing for a few months. He’s really great, he adores me. But is adoration enough? There’s no excitement, no adventures. I’m the love of his life, but I can honestly say that I do not think he’s the love of mine. His life is in shreds right now, and I can’t just end things with him because I think it’d be the nail in the coffin. Drifting apart is the easiest way for me…Because I’ll be honest. I’ve never had the balls to break up with someone before.

They’ve always….left me.

When you think about that statement it makes you feel really shitty. That there’s something inherently wrong with you that absolutely no one wants to stay except a guy who worships the ground you walk on but meets NONE of your needs.

As for me…I’m going to sit here and drink my 1.5 L of wine and feel sorry for myself. I think missing guys is bullshit. I still believe that there’s a man out there who will give me butterflies and there will be rainbows and butterflies and unicorns all over around me. I still believe that there could be a chance that there is someone out there RIGHT now looking for me, or wishing I was there too. Somewhere deep down I believe that there is some guy who thinks of me in the form of a country love song, because I’m just a big freaking cheese ball.

There’s gotta be someone who wants to tell me…”In case you didn’t know, I’m crazy about you, I’d be lying if I said I could live this life without you..” Yeah. There’s someone out there. Peter Pan can go fly a kite. -H

She’s Gonna Make it.

I went on a date last night.

All I thought about was you.

I thought about how you’d be doing things differently, and how much more I’d like it.

We talked about things that you and I would talk about, and the answers that he gave were mundane. Nothing that I could really build a good conversation off of.

I thought about all of the times we talked about wanting a partner that would challenge us. Someone that we could have an in-depth conversation with and they would question our ideas and give us alternatives. That didn’t happen.

When he kissed me good night I thought about how I would much rather have you be the one kissing me, even though we haven’t kissed in nearly three years.

I sent you a text today. I had sneakily sent your phone number to myself in Facebook messenger so that I’d always have it, even when I get the gumption to delete your number from my phone for whatever reason. The text was a snip of what your worst quality was according to your astrological sign. Since we always sent them to each other I half expected a response from you. But I guess the reality of the worst characteristic being you can never admit when you’ve done something wrong hit too close to home for you.

You are a selfish bastard and you in no way, shape, or form deserve me. I don’t deserve a man who can change his mind at any given minute, or just wake up one day and decide that he’s going to ‘try something new’. You don’t deserve me because walking away from me would be a hell of a lot harder if you did.

Getting to the angry place hasn’t happened yet. I still listen to break up music thinking about you, even though I’m 34 and no longer a high schooler.

The beauty of this situation is…

One day I’m going to wake up and smile thinking of you. I’ll be grateful for these three years, the ups, the downs and you leaving. I’ll be grateful that you left me battered and bruised because I will come back out on top while you lament in what you could have had. I know it is conceited of me to say that you will lament in that-but I know what I’m worth, and I know from the bottom of my heart that you do too, whether you choose to act upon it now or not. As one of my favorite break-up songs puts it…‘She’s gonna make it, he never will.’

 

You may not love me now, but you’ll miss me when I’m gone.

“You don’t know it yet, but I’ll end up becoming a very important part of your life even when I’m no longer there. You’ll find yourself constantly thinking of those times when you had your chances, but you let them slip because your arrogance blinded you from what you really wanted. You’ll understand much later on that everything you’ve been looking for had been standing right there in front of you all along.”

Right now, just right now I’m trying to give you what you want. I’m playing the game, the tug-o-war game where you trump me with all the power and I’m just here by the wayside waiting for you to come back. I’m giving you what you want because you have a spot reserved in my heart and I can’t particularly cut that spot out right this moment.

Right now, just right now I’ll sit here brokenhearted and sip my Yellow Tail Moscato hoping that at some point it’ll numb the pain. It’s not proper, I know, but at the same time it’s what I need because the pain-is mind numbing.

You don’t love me now, but at some point, when you’re looking at a horoscope thing online, or watching a million videos on YouTube, you’ll remember me and what I meant to you. Someday, I’m 100% confident, you’ll realize how much you screwed up and how much you want me back. You won’t come back because your pride is larger than your heart, but for just a little bit, maybe your heart will hurt a little bit and you’ll realize how much I’ve made you miss me.

At some point I’ll let you go-because that’s what I do. I hang on for dear life and when I can’t get past the wall that was built up with crappy materials I let go. The crappy materials are too much for even me to get around, so I’ll walk away. I’ll let someone who deserves me love me and you-will be a regretful part of my past. I generally don’t agree with “regretful”-I only have a few spots reserved for that word. You will be a regret because I gave you three  years of my life, and every once of me because you WERE worthy and you flushed it down the toilet along with any once of deservedness I had earned.

When I let you go I’ll cry like I’ve never cried before. The wine will be drank out of the bottle, not the cup. I’ll read all the love quotes and send them to my friends with tear drop emojis because it’s over. It’s really, truly over. You-will HAVE to become a moment of the past and not a hope of the future.

You may not love me, but you’ll search for me in the eyes of any woman who you “try” to have a relationship with. You’ll look for my laugh, you’ll look for my light touch, and let’s be honest, you’ll look for the amazing sex we had. You will never find it, because there’s only one me, not matter how many times you try to recreate the moment, it’ll never happen.

“For the moment being, I’m just another face in the crowd; a voice that’s drowned out by the white noise of everyday life. You see me every now and then when you actually try to look for me. You rarely ever look for me, but I’m there always waiting. I don’t know when, but eventually, the day will come when you’ll look and you won’t find. You’ll stare but you’ll be left with nothing staring back at you. I won’t be there with my desperate eyes that crave for attention. I won’t be there with my open heart that’s just waiting for you to come in. I won’t be there with a suppressed smile trying so frantically to hide what I feel for you. I won’t be there at all because I will have moved on and you’ll miss me when I’m gone.

You don’t know it yet, but I’ll end up becoming a very important part of your life even when I’m no longer there. You’ll find yourself constantly thinking of those times when you had your chances, but you let them slip because your arrogance blinded you from what you really wanted. You’ll understand much later on that everything you’ve been looking for had been standing right there in front of you all along, but you never made a grab at it. You were always so passive. Perhaps you didn’t mean it. Maybe you were oblivious to the fact that a life with me was within your reach. However, your ignorance doesn’t make you innocent.

You can’t blame me for not waiting. A person can only offer so much love that is unrequited. In the end, what love will there be left for me if there is no one to reciprocate it? What a damn shame. We could have been something, you and I. instead you chose to go off on your explorations with other people at different times and different places. When these adventures no longer satisfied you, you turned to me. And there I was, ever so eager to receive you in my pathetic heart. I was always but an intermission in the regular programming of your life. I was never a main attraction to you, but you were always one to me. In my life, there were no intermissions. The ungodly seconds that passed without you were spent thinking of our next meeting. You were not a bus stop. You were my destination.

For now, I’ll continue to play this pathetic game between us. As pathetic as it may seem, it suits me for the moment. I have nothing left better to do. Quite frankly, I don’t know if you’re worth it, but I know that the prospect of us is something worth being patient and pathetic for. I’m just waiting for the day to come where my brain gives my heart that signal; that sign that it’s time to move on. I’m just waiting for reason to take over and tell emotion to let go of control for now. I’m waiting for my mind to say “Okay. We’ve had enough. It’s time for us to go.” I’m still waiting for that day. But you should really know, until that day comes, I’ll still be here waiting for you. But oh when that day comes, I’ll be free.

I’ll be numb and oblivious to any ill-feelings. I’ll move on. I’ll be happier, but I can’t say the same for you. You don’t know it yet, but I do. I mean so much more to you right now than you even realize. I’m a puzzle piece that has managed to wedge my way into your heart, and you would feel absolutely incomplete without me there. You just don’t realize it because you’re preoccupied at the moment. You have your cheap thrills to keep you company, but these thrills can only keep you satisfied for so long.

When that day comes, and I don’t know if it’s in the near or distant future, you will feel it. You will start to feel what I feel now. There will be a trigger and the bullet will go straight to your nervous system. The trigger can be anything. It might be when you see me holding hands with someone else. It might be when you see me change my relationship status on Facebook. I don’t know yet. But when that trigger hits, you’ll feel it, and I won’t. Our roles will reverse and you’ll be nothing but a distant memory for me. Someday someone will give me everything that you never gave me and you’ll end up hating yourself for it. You may not love me now but you’ll definitely miss me when I’m gone.”

You’ll come across an article that you’ll read just because the headline intrigues you. You’ll read the words and recognize how true they are and it’ll tug at your heart-strings.

And then, we’ll be done. I’ll be nothing but a breeze on a summer night-I’ll be nothing but a good back scratch.

You may not love me now, but you’ll miss me when I’m gone.

 

 

My Figure Outs Never Been More Confused…

I feel like a crappy writer because I’ve spent the last week posting vague posts about what is going on with Peter Pan, and I haven’t just spilled it.

I guess the truth is, don’t even know what to say. don’t even know what is happening or how I’m supposed to be feeling about everything because I. Just. Can’t.

Like I said before-life is funny isn’t it? You pick someone and you hang on for dear life and they can end everything with one text message…and that is exactly what happened.

Things had been getting a little off with him over the past couple of weeks, he was a little more distant, a little less into starting conversations and I thought it was just that he was busy.

Something in my iron-clad gut of knowledge and intuition told me that what my head was saying was stupid and something was up. Last week, I text messaged him and didn’t hear back from him until the next day…which NEVER happens. Something in that very moment provoked me to ask the question I never wanted to know the answer to. ‘Is this done?’

What happened over the next week is a bunch of sad excuses and dumb reasons. He even pulled the card on me that he saw that we do have something, but he wants to find it with someone else. What the hell does that even mean?

He said that he’s not good at having me on the side and seeing someone else because he knows that I’m always going to be there and that he never has to try in any relationship he’s in. He says he’ll always care about me, but doesn’t want to continue our sexual relationship.

I can say now-9 bottles of wine, three dear John letters and however many posts I’ve posted here later-that in some ways I’m relieved.

He asked me, if one of us found someone and it was a good relationship, how do you really think this would have ended? I couldn’t stand to tell him that in my head-he and I-never ended. I couldn’t tell him that I thought that at the end of the day he’d pull his head out and figure out whatever shallow, superficial things he was running from weren’t worth losing your person over.

There are so many things I want to say to him, but I have sat here and thought to myself over and over, what is the point in saying anything to someone when you’ve said all there is that needs to be said?

He knows I’ve loved him for three years. He knows I’d walk through fire for him, but he’s choosing to walk away. I’ve gotten the half-assed we’ll stay friends speech, but realistically, if he’s not invested enough in me to have a conversation with me in person, why would he be invested enough in me to maintain a friendship?

It’s funny, when you get divorced there’s a box that you check that says that the marriage is irretrievably broken. You don’t get a choice to feel irretrievably broken at any other time in your life except the moment you check that box. People think that because he’s Peter Pan and I’ve always known he’s Peter Pan that I should just move on and get past it. But I AM irretrievably broken. I won’t be the same again and for that-should I be grateful? Should I be sad? I have no clue what to feel. I’ll just leave these lyrics to one of my new favorite songs here because, damn.

I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin’ a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
I wish it wasn’t four am, standing in the mirror
Saying to myself, you know you had to do it I know
The bravest thing I ever did was run
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
And I know how to say goodbye
Like the back of my hand
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
A better man
I know I’m probably better off all alone
Than needing a man who could change his mind at any given minute
And it’s always on your terms
I’m hanging on every careless word
Hoping it might turn sweet again
Like it was in the beginning
But your jealousy, I can hear it now
You’re talking down to me like I’ll always be around
You push my love away like it’s some kind of loaded gun
Boy, you never thought I’d run
I hold onto this pride because these days it’s all I have
And I gave you my best and we both know you can’t say that
You can’t say that
I wish you were a better man
I wonder what we would’ve become
If you were a better man
We might still be in love
If you were a better man
You would’ve been the one
If you were a better man

And Then it Ended

I feel like Ross from Friends.

In the past three days I’ve actually calculated in my mind how many times Peter Pan and I had sex. In the past three days I’ve drank 5 bottles of wine and started the break up diet. In the past three days, I’ve cried every time a sappy song came on or when I saw a semi truck (he used to drive one). In the past three days I’ve been more upset about the ending of a purely sexual relationship than I think I would be if my current relationship ended.

There will be no more Tuesday night rendevous, there will be no funny texts between the two of us. There will be…nothing.

I know in all technical aspects, this should be a good thing. It wasn’t ever going to go anywhere, no matter how hard I tried to trick myself into thinking that a touch here, or a comment here really meant something.

A couple of weeks ago I had myself tricked into thinking that when I gave him the silly boyfriend quiz from facebook just to see how well he knows me he really meant it when he said that he didn’t want to live without me.

Who the fuck was I kidding?

Now, here I sit heart broken and trying to figure out who I am. Having a “relationship” in any way, shape or form with someone for FOUR years can really alter who you are.

He is the first man that I exposed ALL of me to. All the messed up PTSD pieces, every. single. piece of me.

Life is funny isn’t it?

You just grab on to someone and hold on for dear life hoping it’ll stick, when at the end of the day, it could end in a single text message.