My Figure Outs Never Been More Confused…

I feel like a crappy writer because I’ve spent the last week posting vague posts about what is going on with Peter Pan, and I haven’t just spilled it.

I guess the truth is, don’t even know what to say. don’t even know what is happening or how I’m supposed to be feeling about everything because I. Just. Can’t.

Like I said before-life is funny isn’t it? You pick someone and you hang on for dear life and they can end everything with one text message…and that is exactly what happened.

Things had been getting a little off with him over the past couple of weeks, he was a little more distant, a little less into starting conversations and I thought it was just that he was busy.

Something in my iron-clad gut of knowledge and intuition told me that what my head was saying was stupid and something was up. Last week, I text messaged him and didn’t hear back from him until the next day…which NEVER happens. Something in that very moment provoked me to ask the question I never wanted to know the answer to. ‘Is this done?’

What happened over the next week is a bunch of sad excuses and dumb reasons. He even pulled the card on me that he saw that we do have something, but he wants to find it with someone else. What the hell does that even mean?

He said that he’s not good at having me on the side and seeing someone else because he knows that I’m always going to be there and that he never has to try in any relationship he’s in. He says he’ll always care about me, but doesn’t want to continue our sexual relationship.

I can say now-9 bottles of wine, three dear John letters and however many posts I’ve posted here later-that in some ways I’m relieved.

He asked me, if one of us found someone and it was a good relationship, how do you really think this would have ended? I couldn’t stand to tell him that in my head-he and I-never ended. I couldn’t tell him that I thought that at the end of the day he’d pull his head out and figure out whatever shallow, superficial things he was running from weren’t worth losing your person over.

There are so many things I want to say to him, but I have sat here and thought to myself over and over, what is the point in saying anything to someone when you’ve said all there is that needs to be said?

He knows I’ve loved him for three years. He knows I’d walk through fire for him, but he’s choosing to walk away. I’ve gotten the half-assed we’ll stay friends speech, but realistically, if he’s not invested enough in me to have a conversation with me in person, why would he be invested enough in me to maintain a friendship?

It’s funny, when you get divorced there’s a box that you check that says that the marriage is irretrievably broken. You don’t get a choice to feel irretrievably broken at any other time in your life except the moment you check that box. People think that because he’s Peter Pan and I’ve always known he’s Peter Pan that I should just move on and get past it. But I AM irretrievably broken. I won’t be the same again and for that-should I be grateful? Should I be sad? I have no clue what to feel. I’ll just leave these lyrics to one of my new favorite songs here because, damn.

I know I’m probably better off on my own
Than lovin’ a man who didn’t know
What he had when he had it
And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
I wish it wasn’t four am, standing in the mirror
Saying to myself, you know you had to do it I know
The bravest thing I ever did was run
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I can feel you again
But I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
And I know how to say goodbye
Like the back of my hand
And I just miss you, and I just wish you were a better man
A better man
I know I’m probably better off all alone
Than needing a man who could change his mind at any given minute
And it’s always on your terms
I’m hanging on every careless word
Hoping it might turn sweet again
Like it was in the beginning
But your jealousy, I can hear it now
You’re talking down to me like I’ll always be around
You push my love away like it’s some kind of loaded gun
Boy, you never thought I’d run
I hold onto this pride because these days it’s all I have
And I gave you my best and we both know you can’t say that
You can’t say that
I wish you were a better man
I wonder what we would’ve become
If you were a better man
We might still be in love
If you were a better man
You would’ve been the one
If you were a better man

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