You may not love me now, but you’ll miss me when I’m gone.

“You don’t know it yet, but I’ll end up becoming a very important part of your life even when I’m no longer there. You’ll find yourself constantly thinking of those times when you had your chances, but you let them slip because your arrogance blinded you from what you really wanted. You’ll understand much later on that everything you’ve been looking for had been standing right there in front of you all along.”

Right now, just right now I’m trying to give you what you want. I’m playing the game, the tug-o-war game where you trump me with all the power and I’m just here by the wayside waiting for you to come back. I’m giving you what you want because you have a spot reserved in my heart and I can’t particularly cut that spot out right this moment.

Right now, just right now I’ll sit here brokenhearted and sip my Yellow Tail Moscato hoping that at some point it’ll numb the pain. It’s not proper, I know, but at the same time it’s what I need because the pain-is mind numbing.

You don’t love me now, but at some point, when you’re looking at a horoscope thing online, or watching a million videos on YouTube, you’ll remember me and what I meant to you. Someday, I’m 100% confident, you’ll realize how much you screwed up and how much you want me back. You won’t come back because your pride is larger than your heart, but for just a little bit, maybe your heart will hurt a little bit and you’ll realize how much I’ve made you miss me.

At some point I’ll let you go-because that’s what I do. I hang on for dear life and when I can’t get past the wall that was built up with crappy materials I let go. The crappy materials are too much for even me to get around, so I’ll walk away. I’ll let someone who deserves me love me and you-will be a regretful part of my past. I generally don’t agree with “regretful”-I only have a few spots reserved for that word. You will be a regret because I gave you three  years of my life, and every once of me because you WERE worthy and you flushed it down the toilet along with any once of deservedness I had earned.

When I let you go I’ll cry like I’ve never cried before. The wine will be drank out of the bottle, not the cup. I’ll read all the love quotes and send them to my friends with tear drop emojis because it’s over. It’s really, truly over. You-will HAVE to become a moment of the past and not a hope of the future.

You may not love me, but you’ll search for me in the eyes of any woman who you “try” to have a relationship with. You’ll look for my laugh, you’ll look for my light touch, and let’s be honest, you’ll look for the amazing sex we had. You will never find it, because there’s only one me, not matter how many times you try to recreate the moment, it’ll never happen.

“For the moment being, I’m just another face in the crowd; a voice that’s drowned out by the white noise of everyday life. You see me every now and then when you actually try to look for me. You rarely ever look for me, but I’m there always waiting. I don’t know when, but eventually, the day will come when you’ll look and you won’t find. You’ll stare but you’ll be left with nothing staring back at you. I won’t be there with my desperate eyes that crave for attention. I won’t be there with my open heart that’s just waiting for you to come in. I won’t be there with a suppressed smile trying so frantically to hide what I feel for you. I won’t be there at all because I will have moved on and you’ll miss me when I’m gone.

You don’t know it yet, but I’ll end up becoming a very important part of your life even when I’m no longer there. You’ll find yourself constantly thinking of those times when you had your chances, but you let them slip because your arrogance blinded you from what you really wanted. You’ll understand much later on that everything you’ve been looking for had been standing right there in front of you all along, but you never made a grab at it. You were always so passive. Perhaps you didn’t mean it. Maybe you were oblivious to the fact that a life with me was within your reach. However, your ignorance doesn’t make you innocent.

You can’t blame me for not waiting. A person can only offer so much love that is unrequited. In the end, what love will there be left for me if there is no one to reciprocate it? What a damn shame. We could have been something, you and I. instead you chose to go off on your explorations with other people at different times and different places. When these adventures no longer satisfied you, you turned to me. And there I was, ever so eager to receive you in my pathetic heart. I was always but an intermission in the regular programming of your life. I was never a main attraction to you, but you were always one to me. In my life, there were no intermissions. The ungodly seconds that passed without you were spent thinking of our next meeting. You were not a bus stop. You were my destination.

For now, I’ll continue to play this pathetic game between us. As pathetic as it may seem, it suits me for the moment. I have nothing left better to do. Quite frankly, I don’t know if you’re worth it, but I know that the prospect of us is something worth being patient and pathetic for. I’m just waiting for the day to come where my brain gives my heart that signal; that sign that it’s time to move on. I’m just waiting for reason to take over and tell emotion to let go of control for now. I’m waiting for my mind to say “Okay. We’ve had enough. It’s time for us to go.” I’m still waiting for that day. But you should really know, until that day comes, I’ll still be here waiting for you. But oh when that day comes, I’ll be free.

I’ll be numb and oblivious to any ill-feelings. I’ll move on. I’ll be happier, but I can’t say the same for you. You don’t know it yet, but I do. I mean so much more to you right now than you even realize. I’m a puzzle piece that has managed to wedge my way into your heart, and you would feel absolutely incomplete without me there. You just don’t realize it because you’re preoccupied at the moment. You have your cheap thrills to keep you company, but these thrills can only keep you satisfied for so long.

When that day comes, and I don’t know if it’s in the near or distant future, you will feel it. You will start to feel what I feel now. There will be a trigger and the bullet will go straight to your nervous system. The trigger can be anything. It might be when you see me holding hands with someone else. It might be when you see me change my relationship status on Facebook. I don’t know yet. But when that trigger hits, you’ll feel it, and I won’t. Our roles will reverse and you’ll be nothing but a distant memory for me. Someday someone will give me everything that you never gave me and you’ll end up hating yourself for it. You may not love me now but you’ll definitely miss me when I’m gone.”

You’ll come across an article that you’ll read just because the headline intrigues you. You’ll read the words and recognize how true they are and it’ll tug at your heart-strings.

And then, we’ll be done. I’ll be nothing but a breeze on a summer night-I’ll be nothing but a good back scratch.

You may not love me now, but you’ll miss me when I’m gone.

 

 

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