I went on a date last night.
All I thought about was you.
I thought about how you’d be doing things differently, and how much more I’d like it.
We talked about things that you and I would talk about, and the answers that he gave were mundane. Nothing that I could really build a good conversation off of.
I thought about all of the times we talked about wanting a partner that would challenge us. Someone that we could have an in-depth conversation with and they would question our ideas and give us alternatives. That didn’t happen.
When he kissed me good night I thought about how I would much rather have you be the one kissing me, even though we haven’t kissed in nearly three years.
I sent you a text today. I had sneakily sent your phone number to myself in Facebook messenger so that I’d always have it, even when I get the gumption to delete your number from my phone for whatever reason. The text was a snip of what your worst quality was according to your astrological sign. Since we always sent them to each other I half expected a response from you. But I guess the reality of the worst characteristic being you can never admit when you’ve done something wrong hit too close to home for you.
You are a selfish bastard and you in no way, shape, or form deserve me. I don’t deserve a man who can change his mind at any given minute, or just wake up one day and decide that he’s going to ‘try something new’. You don’t deserve me because walking away from me would be a hell of a lot harder if you did.
Getting to the angry place hasn’t happened yet. I still listen to break up music thinking about you, even though I’m 34 and no longer a high schooler.
The beauty of this situation is…
One day I’m going to wake up and smile thinking of you. I’ll be grateful for these three years, the ups, the downs and you leaving. I’ll be grateful that you left me battered and bruised because I will come back out on top while you lament in what you could have had. I know it is conceited of me to say that you will lament in that-but I know what I’m worth, and I know from the bottom of my heart that you do too, whether you choose to act upon it now or not. As one of my favorite break-up songs puts it…‘She’s gonna make it, he never will.’