Stop me and steal my breath.
I’ve wanted to write for so long, but I guess I kind of feel like what I have to say right now…is so…trivial…compared to the issues that are ripping our country a part. But, I’m sitting in my bubble, and we still have to FEEL, right?
From as far back as I can remember, I’ve never been able to hold eye contact with a man. Maybe it’s because of my past with my step dad. Maybe it’s because I make bad man choices and am intimidated. Maybe it’s….Hell, I don’t know what it is.
A couple of weeks ago, I met someone who stared right into my eyes-for 5 or more minutes. Consecutively. I didn’t flinch-I didn’t stray, I just took a deep breath, and let him take it away.
I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know that it will ever be anything, but it gave me some kind of renewed hope. Hope that there will at some point, be a man who can both take my breath away, and stare directly into my eyes without me flinching.
I was talking to a friend the other day about what happens when I meet someone new, my life suddenly becomes a series of phases.
Let’s review the phases:
- Total Submersion.
- This is a state of my existence where I feel that it is absolutely required for me to gather every piece of information about the guy I’ve set my sights on. I need to know what he does for fun, what he’s thinking…Whatever I can get my hands on.
- Falling in love.
- This isn’t the creepy-I just met you 5 minutes ago, let’s get married and have babies kind of love. This is the….I see that this could really be something amazing love.
- I fall in love with the small details that I know other people don’t see, because I know that I see not only the big picture-but the small brush strokes as well.
- Self-doubt and criticism.
- When the object of my affection doesn’t return my affection in the way that *I* think they should, I begin doubting that it ever existed at all.
- I start thinking about all the reasons why I wouldn’t fit in their world. Why what I felt in the submersion phase was all just a bunch of b.s. and I really have nothing to offer them.
- Just like a car on an icy road, I hit a patch and grab the steering wheel and move it the wrong direction…repeatedly. I try to get attention, I do ridiculous things, I admit to ridiculous things and probably do too much…of everything
- The most prominent part of my relationships is when I’ve completed these phases. I pray that God has brought a good man into my life, and that He will give him the discernment that he needs to be a good man. And that He’s given him the tools to be a good partner.
I think about these phases, and they’re completely ridiculous. 5 should be where 1 is, 3 shouldn’t exist, and don’t even get me started on 4. Then there’s 2. What’s wrong with falling in love that early?
“So I could care less if I’m being careless, might wreck me to be reckless…
But I’d rather fall apart than love half-hearted.
Yeah, maybe it’s true that you know when you know, and then again maybe you don’t.
But when you find a diamond, you can’t keep it from shining.”
God bless this mess.
I’m currently obnoxiously residing in stage 4 of my phases for a 28 year old. He’s still a baby, and he’s nothing like my type…Whatsoever.
Since Eric, I’ve never been with a man who works in an office. Is it maybe PTSD that I associate office work with softness, and the chances of the guy I’m coveting actually being gay? (If this is the first time you are reading my blog, don’t get upset by this. My first husband is gay..and dammit, a girl is allowed to have PTSD about some of that) I’ve picked men who are blue collared-hard working, come home dirty and smell like men, men. Not men who sit in a bar and talk to me about tie-tacks and being a financial analyst. Not men who-when you breathe them in, the scent of their cologne stains your nostrils for hours….glorious hours.
Let’s hope I get to relish in phase 5. And that maybe, I’ll get to elusive phase 6-the one I couldn’t even bring myself to type out, because it’s been too long since it happened. Phase 6 is bliss. The phase of life where I get to just be.
“God bless this mess, if this is as good as it’s gonna get…I’m gonna hold you like I know it’s gonna be okay, again. I’ve got a hurricane in my heart, keeps on rattling the gooder part. And honestly, I’m an honest wreck-but I’m trying my best…God bless this mess.”