“This emotion frustrated confusion is it all an illusion…Will I wake up to a harsh and empty space? His devotion lies in someone else’s arms, and I am just an outsider trying to save face. And it’s hard, and it’s slow…Wanting to be all he wants, knowing that’s not how this goes. And it’s false, and it’s weak…There’s nothing to be said now, but in our silence, we’re both aching to speak… And I’m stronger than this I’ve been through this before, but what’s one more lesson when the stolen moments are worth living for?”
Oh man… I don’t even know where to start now. As I’ve said in the past, when I’m not here for a long amount of time, I’m usually off making bad choices.
This time, however; I thought I was making a good choice. I met a boy. And I went ALL in. No researching, no doubting, just 100% all in.
And man….Did I fall hard.
20 days, 1,000’s of text messages, 4 full days, and almost 48 hours of phone time together. And here I sit. Alone.
I know that you are probably thinking, it was only 20 days…But have you ever had that moment? That holy shit, this is really happening moment? Because, I did. I found the my soul has found a match, you feel like home connection. That’s what I felt, the moment I got out of the car for the first time. He was just standing there, staring at me with the impossible grin on his face…and my breathing just-stopped.
A week ago all of those things came crashing down when he told me he was in love with his best friend, and that he had been waiting for her for two years. He said that he would always wait for her. He said that she didn’t want to be with him…but in that very moment I knew, because I had been in her place-she would fight for him. When you keep someone on the line for so long, losing them seems almost as impossible as loving them wholeheartedly does. When you keep someone on the line, they are your comfy beanbag chair-and you don’t ever want to lose it.
And I was right, she did. Fight for him.
Hence, my opening quote. I am just an outsider, trying to save face.
We spent the weekend together, because he wanted to give me a shot and it was amazing. No, scratch that-what is the word for greater than amazing? Because that is it. Fast forward to Monday morning at 1:30, he calls and tells me he’s made his decision. And he was picking her.
My heart shattered on the ground and I felt a pain that I hadn’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. I guess you could say though, that each time your heart breaks it breaks in a different way. I can’t describe how it felt, all I can say is that I can’t stop crying, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep.
In my full on masochism, I decided to stay friends with him. Rather, I convinced him to stay friends with me. He wanted to delete my number. And in some ways, that hurt almost worse than him saying that I wasn’t worth enough for him to jump ship and be happy.
How do you get to the place where you genuinely want someone to be happy, and know that in order for that to happen, they have to do it without you?
I know in my heart of hearts that it’s best to let him go, and if I do it now, I can save face and won’t have to worry about the fallout when he decides to stop talking to me down the line. Part of me wishes that she’d show him that she really doesn’t want him, she just didn’t want to lose the bean bag…but that, would be wishing bad things on him-when all I want is for him to live a happy life, whether that means me being in it or not.
I think, I really did love him. And when I think about that, it seems almost impossible because it was such a short amount of time-but a soul mate comes into your life when you least expect it and makes a huge impact-no matter how long they stay.
I’m going to see him tonight. My hands are ice cold and can’t stop shaking. I know this is the last time I’m going to see him and I don’t know if I can do this. But, I’m an emotional cutter, and feeling that pain would be better than feeling this pain-at least I think so. Like the scales of justice, each pain keeps teeter tottering back and forth, one trying to trump the other. I don’t think it’s possible. I think somehow they’ll both come out in the wash and eventually there won’t be a scale, just a giant pile of pain engrossing my heart, every possible emotion and every possible tear I could have left.
I think I’m going to part ways now. I’ll be back. Probably sooner rather than later, I mean, what’s a good blog post without some heartbreak, right?
“Of course it does,” you smiled sadly. “The hurt is how we know it was love. The absence we feel is proof that what we had is something that can be lost.”
“…And when does it stop?”
With eyes dark like a cloud before rain, you replied. “If it was love, it won’t.”