Mercy…

“So if you’re gonna break my heart, just break it. If you gonna take a shot just take it, and take it fast…If you ever loved me…have mercy.”

Ah, the lonely hours-we meet again.

I decided to write here instead of texting him.

The night I went to see him was a complete disaster. I sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed. I cried for my 45 minute car ride. When I first got there, we just chatted about random things, and 2 hours later is dreadfully obvious that it was time to say good-bye.

I forgot to tell you that he has cerebral palsy. He has to use arm crutches to get around-and I would be lying if I said that I hadn’t thought twice about taking that on. There are a lot of things that come with dating someone who has a handicap, but I feel like I would have missed out on the world had I not given him a shot. Anyway, he asked me to get out of the car because he wanted to show me something that he had never shown anyone. He walked, not well, and not for long, but he walked to me. For some reason, that moment of vulnerability made my heart ache and I cried even more. Even just thinking about it makes me want to cry all over again.

Rewinding a little bit, when I was crying in the car he did something that no one else has ever done. He made me keep eye contact with him. He wanted me to share that with him, and the vulnerability that felt in that moment was probably the most naked I’ve ever felt in a relationship.

He had told me that he loved me a few days before he told me about her-when he finally did tell me about her, I had asked if he really meant it. Somehow though; I didn’t want to know the answer because I was so incredibly scared that the answer to that too, would break my heart. So, instead of expecting a response, I told him again: ‘I really do love you, with my whole heart.’ I said. ‘Me too, more than you will ever know.’ He said. The realism of the world struck me in the face like the tentacle of an octopus. How could two people love each other that much, but it not work? How could I love someone that much-and our two train cars pass so quickly?

“If two hearts were meant to be, they’ll find a way I guess
But when goodbye started, man, I was a mess

Cause she was the right girl
Yes, she was all mine
Thought about her all day
We spent every night
Chasing down the stars
Talking ’bout forever
And I learned the hard way
Never say never
It’s too bad that clocks can’t stop on a dime…
Cause she was the right girl
The right girl at the wrong time.”

People keep asking me why I’m sticking around. Waiting for the fall out maybe? No, it’s because my heart knows this won’t last, and that at the end I’ll somehow prevail-whether we’re together again or not.

Crazy, or romantic? I started a journal to him. I write in there when I used to call him because we spent so much time together on the phone. I figured that at the end of the 70 pages I’d either mail it to him, burn it, or keep it until it was time. I know that when I do give it to him-should I decide to, depending on where our relationship is, it could make or break it…but my gut feeling told me that that is what I need to do. It came to me one night while I was sleeping, and damn if I’m wrong-I’ve followed every gut feeling I’ve had.

That being said, my gut is telling me it’s time for me to try to sleep. My heart is tired.

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