“My friends are always over so I’m not alone. And the TV’s on the second that they leave. Ghosts don’t stand a chance against the radio, that’s why I turn the music up to sleep. Cause there’s no peace in quiet…just footsteps on the stairs. Whispers in the silence, remind me you’re not there…there’s no peace in quiet. Tonight, I’ll lie down knowing you’re not coming home-then I’ll swear I hear you keys outside the door. And I’ll hate myself for checking as if I don’t know that’s it’s just the wind chimes on the neighbors porch. Cause there’s no peace in quiet…just footsteps on the stairs. Whispers in the silence, remind me you’re not there…there’s no peace in quiet. I hear you singing in the shower, I hear you breathing in my bed, but there’s nothing I hear louder than the words I never said. Cause there’s no peace in quiet…just footsteps on the stairs. Whispers in the silence, remind me you’re not there…there’s no peace in quiet.” -No Peace in Quiet, Delta Rae
Kind of crazy that just a paragraph-can contain an entire song, that at this very moment speaks to every feeling I have in my life.
Shortly after Tyler made his decision to go back to his ex, I started writing him a journal. I’m not sure if it’s for him or if it’s more for me-trying to make sure that I get out what I need to. I don’t know if I’ll ever give it to him. Maybe I should burn the pages. Maybe I should keep them for this little blog of mine. Maybe I should give them to him, so he can really know what he lost out on…but maybe it’s too much? All I know is that those pages have helped me more than anything.
It’s become dreadfully obvious to me that I am making myself TOO available to him. He calls or text,s I respond immediately. Like…embarassingly fast. I realized today that I need to take an even further step back. I’ve stopped texting and calling. I hate getting that message saying “I’m with Stephanie.” I hate getting no response at all. So I trained myself to do something else-ANYTHING else instead of messaging him when I want to. It’s helped-I’m not as attached to him as I was before. I think that when he reaches out to me, I want to seem like I have time to make for him instead of him having to wait for attention-like he used to have to do with her.
It’s time for me to face the facts; he’s not coming back, at least anytime in the near future. He’s got what he wants, and for the time being, until the newness wears off, she’s got what she wants. I’m not in the equation anymore and I need to realize that.
But why is it so fucking hard?
I wish there was a manual for this kind of thing…that something would happen in a relationship and then BAM! Everything makes sense. But instead I’m here trying to keep myself together, when all I want to do is break down in tears.
Enough of this depressing mess.