She’s Gonna Make It….V. 2

“She seemed to sail right through those dark clouds forming…that he knows he’s heading for. She’s gonna make it, he never will…He’s at the foot of that mountain, she’s over that hill. He’s sinking at sea…her sails are filled. She’s gonna make it, he never will. You know it’s not like she forgot about him, she’s just dealing with the pain. And the fact that she survives so well without him, well it’s driving him insane. And the crazy thing about it, she’d take him back…but the fool in him that walked out-is the fool that just won’t ask…She’s gonna make it, he never will…He’s at the foot of that mountain, she’s over that hill. He’s sinking at sea…her sails are filled. She’s gonna make it, he never will.” 

I guess maybe I have a hard time this time of year. It’s been almost exactly a year since Levi and I broke up. Almost a year since the original She’s Gonna Make It post. I just read it again, and can’t really wrap my head around it. Maybe I’m so contradictory because I’ve never been able to level myself out when it comes to my emotions. One minute I can be over him, and the next I can want to beg him to come back.

I’d like to think that I could take get over someone in two weeks. I mean, honestly, it’s almost the same exact amount of time we were together. But, as someone so eloquently put it to me today, ‘the two of you are in each other’s hearts and no matter how much you try, nothing is going to change that,’ damn, life would be so much easier. Imagine if life was like one of those old tape recorders, where you push the play and record button at the same time and it records over whatever was on the tape to begin with. I’d love to erase the past few months of my life and start over again.

It’s hard to say if I’d choose to not have met Tyler, or maybe I’d choose to not fall so very hard for him. The greatest lessons in life come from the rise AND the fall. So I guess, I have to see how beautiful the short rise was and deal with the fall, no matter how painful it was…or IS. 

Last night Tyler crossed the line and went to the phone sex, or sexting side. We never had a problem with that, but the fact that he went there…Has my mind twisted up more than I think it was when I was waiting for him to pick me.

He ended us.

He ended us, and picked her and I let him have me in a way that he didn’t deserve. We didn’t have sex, but we might as well have.

As I had feared, he spent the majority of the day not talking to me. I’m afraid that he’s going to walk away, even though he doesn’t have the right to walk away…again. He broke me. I don’t want him to break me again. I need to remember THIS statement that I made in the original She’s Gonna Make It post. “You are a selfish bastard and you in no way, shape, or form deserve me. I don’t deserve a man who can change his mind at any given minute, or just wake up one day and decide that he’s going to ‘try something new’. You don’t deserve me because walking away from me would be a hell of a lot harder if you did..’ He didn’t try something new, he flat out walked out on me for another woman. Which is better? Levi making the excuse? Or Tyler straight out telling me that he was leaving me for someone else…and coming back, but only for sex? I honestly can’t figure out the answer.

Either way…I need to get my shit together. I CANNOT and WILL NOT let him do this to me again.

She’s gonna make it…he never will. 

There’s a Rumor…

“There’s a rumor I don’t love you anymore…there’s a rumor that I finally closed that door… I was wrong when I said it, surely regret it…reality is so far away from the rumors I don’t love you anymore. There’s a rumor that I found somebody else…there’s a rumor that I finally found myself…Got a long lost memory of you holding on to me like you’ll never let me go…It’s just a rumor that I don’t love you anymore. I could put on a good face, like I’m having a good time..But I’m lost in a crowd I know it – my hearts breaking but I’ll never show it. When everybody sees me, I look pretty happy, and when I lay down and close my eyes you’ll always be right here with me. There’s a rumor I don’t miss you any more…There’s a rumor that I hope what you find what you have been looking for. I was wrong if I said it, surely regret it…I just want to let you know…Forget the rumors that I don’t love you any more…”

There is so much truth in all of that. I imagine that I’d say those things at some point, but I know that they’d be a lie. I talked to Tyler for the first time in 2 weeks today. I thought I was over him. And when I talked to him, I wasn’t. I wanted to hear him say…I fucked up. I wanted to hear him say…I want you back. But more than anything, I wanted to know that if he said that…I’d say no.

Nothing in my life seems to come in small pieces. It comes in huge rolling waves. Not the beautiful ones that surfers can ride all the way through. The huge rolling waves that rip the surfboard off of the surfers ankle. The one where they get drug under water and hit their head on a rock and can barely come back up for air in time before they drown.

I hate Facebook. When I say I hate it, I mean I love it, but I fucking hate it.

You can find too much information on there, and you can emotionally cut like nobodies business. And so, I cut.

I decided to look up Levi…You know the guy from this very post 

He’s engaged. We haven’t even been split up for an entire year, and he’s getting married. Again, I wish I could say that didn’t hurt, or that it hurt considerably less than it actually did. But it too-fucking hurt. Hence the huge rolling waves.

I tried going out with someone. I like him I think. But, I’m afraid that things will never work. That I’ll never get to the elusive 6th stage.

I know that as long as I keep both of them on top of my heart, gashing me left and right, I’ll never be able to get to the 6th stage with anyone. I was at the 6th stage with Tyler. I was there. I could feel it. I was comfortable, and not cautious just head over heels….Happy.