“There’s a rumor I don’t love you anymore…there’s a rumor that I finally closed that door… I was wrong when I said it, surely regret it…reality is so far away from the rumors I don’t love you anymore. There’s a rumor that I found somebody else…there’s a rumor that I finally found myself…Got a long lost memory of you holding on to me like you’ll never let me go…It’s just a rumor that I don’t love you anymore. I could put on a good face, like I’m having a good time..But I’m lost in a crowd I know it – my hearts breaking but I’ll never show it. When everybody sees me, I look pretty happy, and when I lay down and close my eyes you’ll always be right here with me. There’s a rumor I don’t miss you any more…There’s a rumor that I hope what you find what you have been looking for. I was wrong if I said it, surely regret it…I just want to let you know…Forget the rumors that I don’t love you any more…”

There is so much truth in all of that. I imagine that I’d say those things at some point, but I know that they’d be a lie. I talked to Tyler for the first time in 2 weeks today. I thought I was over him. And when I talked to him, I wasn’t. I wanted to hear him say…I fucked up. I wanted to hear him say…I want you back. But more than anything, I wanted to know that if he said that…I’d say no.

Nothing in my life seems to come in small pieces. It comes in huge rolling waves. Not the beautiful ones that surfers can ride all the way through. The huge rolling waves that rip the surfboard off of the surfers ankle. The one where they get drug under water and hit their head on a rock and can barely come back up for air in time before they drown.

I hate Facebook. When I say I hate it, I mean I love it, but I fucking hate it.

You can find too much information on there, and you can emotionally cut like nobodies business. And so, I cut.

I decided to look up Levi…You know the guy from this very post 

He’s engaged. We haven’t even been split up for an entire year, and he’s getting married. Again, I wish I could say that didn’t hurt, or that it hurt considerably less than it actually did. But it too-fucking hurt. Hence the huge rolling waves.

I tried going out with someone. I like him I think. But, I’m afraid that things will never work. That I’ll never get to the elusive 6th stage.

I know that as long as I keep both of them on top of my heart, gashing me left and right, I’ll never be able to get to the 6th stage with anyone. I was at the 6th stage with Tyler. I was there. I could feel it. I was comfortable, and not cautious just head over heels….Happy.