The Lawn Mower

“Disappointments and failures are all a part of the process that makes you into the person you are meant to become. You can allow them to cause you to become bitter, angry and hard, or you can accept them gracefully as the lessons that they are and use the experiences to be better for the next time around. The choice you make will define whether the failure becomes a stepping-stone or a stumbling block.”

I can’t believe it’s been over 6 months since I touched this thing. I guess you could say I’ve been getting myself into some sort of trouble, falling in and out of love and trying to make the stumbling “blocks” not blocks but platforms instead.

I’ve been wanting to write for the past couple of weeks, I just really don’t know where to start. I know what this will be about-and I’m sure you-my faithful reader knows as well.

It’s funny how when you’re in the throws of a break up, you search for quotes and re-read all the self empowering things that you clung to the last time something ended for you. You think you find solace in them, but do you really? I think that the hardest thing about keeping those things tucked away “just in case,” is that you allow yourself to feel those things again, again and again instead of moving on to the next stepping stone. Don’t get me wrong, keeping a quote that gives you ALL the feels is a necessity. But the things that you keep tucked away because the last guy made you feel that way–puts it out in the universe that the next one will do the same to you…and instead of growing, you just revert back to the feeling from the last one.

So my question is this…What do you do to grow from the ending of something you thought would be “it”, or something close to it?

One of my favorite books is “I’ve Never Been to Vegas but My Luggage Has” for some reason, after every break up I go through and re-read all of the quotes I’ve highlighted. And then, it’s in that very moment that I’m reminded how far I got off of the path that I intended to restart on after the last break up. But the restarting, much like yanking on the cord trying to start the mower over and over again isn’t going to do a damn thing until you put a little fuel in the engine. If you leave the lawn mower sitting around all winter after you ran all the gas out in the last mow of the season…It’s not going to start, and if it does, it’s going to run like shit. A break up happens-(to me?) I read the book, I promise to have a new place with God and let Him lead me to the right places, I set it all down when I find something new and shiny and come crawling back when it’s all over again. What do I actually learn?

I’d like to think I’m a philosophical, well rounded person. I’m resourceful, and when I know how I’m feeling about something, I will go to the ends of the earth to find the perfect way to capture it. But what is it exactly that I do…or that you do that makes you better?

A relationship that I had been in for a couple of months ended with absolutely no warning, and no way to figure out why. One minute it was ‘I can’t wait to see you’ the next was me finding out that I was blocked in every possible way you can be blocked in the world these days. Whatever happened to the hey-I don’t want to date you anymore talks? It makes you second guess yourself and everything that you think you have to offer someone, when they can’t even tell you goodbye, or what it was that you did to make them walk away. Though, I think one of the biggest mistakes we make in this life- when we are wronged-we don’t feel whole again until we find out the reasons why or get that coveted apology. Why do we give so much power to someone who didn’t have enough courtesy to end things the way they would expect things to end if they had been on the other end? But maybe it’s not that black and white. I’ve forever thought that there are so many shades of gray in regards to relationships, and maybe that is one of my greatest downfalls. I know my absolute greatest traits in all facets of my life is that I have this blinding HOPE that I will receive from people what I give to them. So in other words, I had hoped that this guy would have at least had the balls to tell me what happened so I’m not sitting here a week later wondering what the hell I did, because *I* would have had the balls to tell him what was making me walk away. But I am SO incredibly wrong about that, and it’s one of the hardest lessons I’m ever going to have to learn…and I’m not sure how many more broken hearts it’s going to take to get there.

Often, I find myself in the throws of a relationship that no longer suits me, constrains me, or doesn’t allow me to fly (for lack of a better term). I don’t end it, because I’ve been in the receiving end of “the end” and I just don’t want to put someone through it, even though it needs to be done. I’m a masochist in that way I guess, or a people pleaser. This relationship that just ended…I wasn’t happy. I was consistently doubting myself and for lack of a better term, clipping my wings so that I couldn’t really be me because I was so afraid that the real me wasn’t enough for him. I’m not sure how I ever got to the place where I was afraid to be me. And again, it’s the same as that old lawn mower I talked about before. I set out with every intention to be with a man who doesn’t squash me, but instead grows me.

My divorce has been final now for almost 12 years. In that 12 years, I have never entered a relationship without having someone else in the backgroud “just in case”. I could be madly in love with a person, but I am so deathly afraid of being alone that I have to keep a “friend” around just in case. And in the case of this break up-I did just that.

I met Eli on New Years day, 2018. But if there ever were a perfect quote to sum up how I act about this guy, it’d be this:

“When we overthink, we stop acting boldly and hide behind our endless streams of questions, objections and insecurities. We drive away people and opportunities that are meant to be in our lives by overwhelming them with our expectations, stipulations and worries. We shut off our hearts and allow our minds to work overtime, essentially turning ourselves into hamsters in wheels-endlessing grinding, but going nowhere.” 

I have this idea in my head as to how he and I are supposed to be, and I have a timeline of when it’s supposed to be done by. I want him, and I want him NOW. I don’t want to build it, I feel like the foundation is already there, I want to move all the nice pretty furniture in and live happily ever after…forgetting all the fundamental peices that make the house a home. The intricate parts that you’ll remember long after you and your furniture move on to a new home. The shades of gray work overtime in our almost relationship, and damn if I don’t overthink it…every. single. day. I take the late night drunken phone calls telling me that he wants to try things with me, that he thinks that this could really work and mold them into some pretty picture, when in all actuality, it’s just a bunch of words with no actions behind it. I let him bait the hook, but he never gets the fish-simply because he quits before the bite.

What happens when you want a relationship with someone who, like you is so incredibly scared to give it a shot because it COULD be everything that you ever imagined it could be? In this case, he’s a scaredy cat, while I’m over here planning everything down to the color of our curtains. But…

“You can’t think your way into your destiny. More often than not, you have to feel your way there. Overthinking takes the very magic out of life because you’re too busy planning the party to enjoy it. Trust me: the world will not screech to a halt if you step off the coveyor belt of overthinking. In fact, I’d venture to say it will spin a lot more peacefully on it’s axis.”

I never seem to connect with someone on the same exact page…is that how it’s supposed to be? I’m not really sure what the real deal is like anymore. I thought I knew the real deal three times, and it never failed, each time the pages seemed to be so torn that you really couldn’t even read the words on them.

Man, this post is all over the place. I guess it accurately sums up where my brain and heart are right now. Nothing seems to make sense, and no amount of quotes, sad country songs or long drives in the country seem to be able to fix it this time.

I know that in the past couple of years I’ve grown, so very much. But as I look at my heart, I see that instead of it slowly healing, each time someone hurts me, another piece of it dies off. I’m so scared for the time that someone breaks it to the point where there’s no coming back. How do you fix a heart that doesn’t want to feel anymore? Until I get to that chapter in my book…I guess I’ll just keep reading along in hopes that it’s one of those awesome books with an alternate ending.

“Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.”