The Lawn Mower

“Disappointments and failures are all a part of the process that makes you into the person you are meant to become. You can allow them to cause you to become bitter, angry and hard, or you can accept them gracefully as the lessons that they are and use the experiences to be better for the next time around. The choice you make will define whether the failure becomes a stepping-stone or a stumbling block.”

I can’t believe it’s been over 6 months since I touched this thing. I guess you could say I’ve been getting myself into some sort of trouble, falling in and out of love and trying to make the stumbling “blocks” not blocks but platforms instead.

I’ve been wanting to write for the past couple of weeks, I just really don’t know where to start. I know what this will be about-and I’m sure you-my faithful reader knows as well.

It’s funny how when you’re in the throws of a break up, you search for quotes and re-read all the self empowering things that you clung to the last time something ended for you. You think you find solace in them, but do you really? I think that the hardest thing about keeping those things tucked away “just in case,” is that you allow yourself to feel those things again, again and again instead of moving on to the next stepping stone. Don’t get me wrong, keeping a quote that gives you ALL the feels is a necessity. But the things that you keep tucked away because the last guy made you feel that way–puts it out in the universe that the next one will do the same to you…and instead of growing, you just revert back to the feeling from the last one.

So my question is this…What do you do to grow from the ending of something you thought would be “it”, or something close to it?

One of my favorite books is “I’ve Never Been to Vegas but My Luggage Has” for some reason, after every break up I go through and re-read all of the quotes I’ve highlighted. And then, it’s in that very moment that I’m reminded how far I got off of the path that I intended to restart on after the last break up. But the restarting, much like yanking on the cord trying to start the mower over and over again isn’t going to do a damn thing until you put a little fuel in the engine. If you leave the lawn mower sitting around all winter after you ran all the gas out in the last mow of the season…It’s not going to start, and if it does, it’s going to run like shit. A break up happens-(to me?) I read the book, I promise to have a new place with God and let Him lead me to the right places, I set it all down when I find something new and shiny and come crawling back when it’s all over again. What do I actually learn?

I’d like to think I’m a philosophical, well rounded person. I’m resourceful, and when I know how I’m feeling about something, I will go to the ends of the earth to find the perfect way to capture it. But what is it exactly that I do…or that you do that makes you better?

A relationship that I had been in for a couple of months ended with absolutely no warning, and no way to figure out why. One minute it was ‘I can’t wait to see you’ the next was me finding out that I was blocked in every possible way you can be blocked in the world these days. Whatever happened to the hey-I don’t want to date you anymore talks? It makes you second guess yourself and everything that you think you have to offer someone, when they can’t even tell you goodbye, or what it was that you did to make them walk away. Though, I think one of the biggest mistakes we make in this life- when we are wronged-we don’t feel whole again until we find out the reasons why or get that coveted apology. Why do we give so much power to someone who didn’t have enough courtesy to end things the way they would expect things to end if they had been on the other end? But maybe it’s not that black and white. I’ve forever thought that there are so many shades of gray in regards to relationships, and maybe that is one of my greatest downfalls. I know my absolute greatest traits in all facets of my life is that I have this blinding HOPE that I will receive from people what I give to them. So in other words, I had hoped that this guy would have at least had the balls to tell me what happened so I’m not sitting here a week later wondering what the hell I did, because *I* would have had the balls to tell him what was making me walk away. But I am SO incredibly wrong about that, and it’s one of the hardest lessons I’m ever going to have to learn…and I’m not sure how many more broken hearts it’s going to take to get there.

Often, I find myself in the throws of a relationship that no longer suits me, constrains me, or doesn’t allow me to fly (for lack of a better term). I don’t end it, because I’ve been in the receiving end of “the end” and I just don’t want to put someone through it, even though it needs to be done. I’m a masochist in that way I guess, or a people pleaser. This relationship that just ended…I wasn’t happy. I was consistently doubting myself and for lack of a better term, clipping my wings so that I couldn’t really be me because I was so afraid that the real me wasn’t enough for him. I’m not sure how I ever got to the place where I was afraid to be me. And again, it’s the same as that old lawn mower I talked about before. I set out with every intention to be with a man who doesn’t squash me, but instead grows me.

My divorce has been final now for almost 12 years. In that 12 years, I have never entered a relationship without having someone else in the backgroud “just in case”. I could be madly in love with a person, but I am so deathly afraid of being alone that I have to keep a “friend” around just in case. And in the case of this break up-I did just that.

I met Eli on New Years day, 2018. But if there ever were a perfect quote to sum up how I act about this guy, it’d be this:

“When we overthink, we stop acting boldly and hide behind our endless streams of questions, objections and insecurities. We drive away people and opportunities that are meant to be in our lives by overwhelming them with our expectations, stipulations and worries. We shut off our hearts and allow our minds to work overtime, essentially turning ourselves into hamsters in wheels-endlessing grinding, but going nowhere.” 

I have this idea in my head as to how he and I are supposed to be, and I have a timeline of when it’s supposed to be done by. I want him, and I want him NOW. I don’t want to build it, I feel like the foundation is already there, I want to move all the nice pretty furniture in and live happily ever after…forgetting all the fundamental peices that make the house a home. The intricate parts that you’ll remember long after you and your furniture move on to a new home. The shades of gray work overtime in our almost relationship, and damn if I don’t overthink it…every. single. day. I take the late night drunken phone calls telling me that he wants to try things with me, that he thinks that this could really work and mold them into some pretty picture, when in all actuality, it’s just a bunch of words with no actions behind it. I let him bait the hook, but he never gets the fish-simply because he quits before the bite.

What happens when you want a relationship with someone who, like you is so incredibly scared to give it a shot because it COULD be everything that you ever imagined it could be? In this case, he’s a scaredy cat, while I’m over here planning everything down to the color of our curtains. But…

“You can’t think your way into your destiny. More often than not, you have to feel your way there. Overthinking takes the very magic out of life because you’re too busy planning the party to enjoy it. Trust me: the world will not screech to a halt if you step off the coveyor belt of overthinking. In fact, I’d venture to say it will spin a lot more peacefully on it’s axis.”

I never seem to connect with someone on the same exact page…is that how it’s supposed to be? I’m not really sure what the real deal is like anymore. I thought I knew the real deal three times, and it never failed, each time the pages seemed to be so torn that you really couldn’t even read the words on them.

Man, this post is all over the place. I guess it accurately sums up where my brain and heart are right now. Nothing seems to make sense, and no amount of quotes, sad country songs or long drives in the country seem to be able to fix it this time.

I know that in the past couple of years I’ve grown, so very much. But as I look at my heart, I see that instead of it slowly healing, each time someone hurts me, another piece of it dies off. I’m so scared for the time that someone breaks it to the point where there’s no coming back. How do you fix a heart that doesn’t want to feel anymore? Until I get to that chapter in my book…I guess I’ll just keep reading along in hopes that it’s one of those awesome books with an alternate ending.

“Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.”

 

 

She’s Gonna Make It….V. 2

“She seemed to sail right through those dark clouds forming…that he knows he’s heading for. She’s gonna make it, he never will…He’s at the foot of that mountain, she’s over that hill. He’s sinking at sea…her sails are filled. She’s gonna make it, he never will. You know it’s not like she forgot about him, she’s just dealing with the pain. And the fact that she survives so well without him, well it’s driving him insane. And the crazy thing about it, she’d take him back…but the fool in him that walked out-is the fool that just won’t ask…She’s gonna make it, he never will…He’s at the foot of that mountain, she’s over that hill. He’s sinking at sea…her sails are filled. She’s gonna make it, he never will.” 

I guess maybe I have a hard time this time of year. It’s been almost exactly a year since Levi and I broke up. Almost a year since the original She’s Gonna Make It post. I just read it again, and can’t really wrap my head around it. Maybe I’m so contradictory because I’ve never been able to level myself out when it comes to my emotions. One minute I can be over him, and the next I can want to beg him to come back.

I’d like to think that I could take get over someone in two weeks. I mean, honestly, it’s almost the same exact amount of time we were together. But, as someone so eloquently put it to me today, ‘the two of you are in each other’s hearts and no matter how much you try, nothing is going to change that,’ damn, life would be so much easier. Imagine if life was like one of those old tape recorders, where you push the play and record button at the same time and it records over whatever was on the tape to begin with. I’d love to erase the past few months of my life and start over again.

It’s hard to say if I’d choose to not have met Tyler, or maybe I’d choose to not fall so very hard for him. The greatest lessons in life come from the rise AND the fall. So I guess, I have to see how beautiful the short rise was and deal with the fall, no matter how painful it was…or IS. 

Last night Tyler crossed the line and went to the phone sex, or sexting side. We never had a problem with that, but the fact that he went there…Has my mind twisted up more than I think it was when I was waiting for him to pick me.

He ended us.

He ended us, and picked her and I let him have me in a way that he didn’t deserve. We didn’t have sex, but we might as well have.

As I had feared, he spent the majority of the day not talking to me. I’m afraid that he’s going to walk away, even though he doesn’t have the right to walk away…again. He broke me. I don’t want him to break me again. I need to remember THIS statement that I made in the original She’s Gonna Make It post. “You are a selfish bastard and you in no way, shape, or form deserve me. I don’t deserve a man who can change his mind at any given minute, or just wake up one day and decide that he’s going to ‘try something new’. You don’t deserve me because walking away from me would be a hell of a lot harder if you did..’ He didn’t try something new, he flat out walked out on me for another woman. Which is better? Levi making the excuse? Or Tyler straight out telling me that he was leaving me for someone else…and coming back, but only for sex? I honestly can’t figure out the answer.

Either way…I need to get my shit together. I CANNOT and WILL NOT let him do this to me again.

She’s gonna make it…he never will. 

There’s a Rumor…

“There’s a rumor I don’t love you anymore…there’s a rumor that I finally closed that door… I was wrong when I said it, surely regret it…reality is so far away from the rumors I don’t love you anymore. There’s a rumor that I found somebody else…there’s a rumor that I finally found myself…Got a long lost memory of you holding on to me like you’ll never let me go…It’s just a rumor that I don’t love you anymore. I could put on a good face, like I’m having a good time..But I’m lost in a crowd I know it – my hearts breaking but I’ll never show it. When everybody sees me, I look pretty happy, and when I lay down and close my eyes you’ll always be right here with me. There’s a rumor I don’t miss you any more…There’s a rumor that I hope what you find what you have been looking for. I was wrong if I said it, surely regret it…I just want to let you know…Forget the rumors that I don’t love you any more…”

There is so much truth in all of that. I imagine that I’d say those things at some point, but I know that they’d be a lie. I talked to Tyler for the first time in 2 weeks today. I thought I was over him. And when I talked to him, I wasn’t. I wanted to hear him say…I fucked up. I wanted to hear him say…I want you back. But more than anything, I wanted to know that if he said that…I’d say no.

Nothing in my life seems to come in small pieces. It comes in huge rolling waves. Not the beautiful ones that surfers can ride all the way through. The huge rolling waves that rip the surfboard off of the surfers ankle. The one where they get drug under water and hit their head on a rock and can barely come back up for air in time before they drown.

I hate Facebook. When I say I hate it, I mean I love it, but I fucking hate it.

You can find too much information on there, and you can emotionally cut like nobodies business. And so, I cut.

I decided to look up Levi…You know the guy from this very post 

He’s engaged. We haven’t even been split up for an entire year, and he’s getting married. Again, I wish I could say that didn’t hurt, or that it hurt considerably less than it actually did. But it too-fucking hurt. Hence the huge rolling waves.

I tried going out with someone. I like him I think. But, I’m afraid that things will never work. That I’ll never get to the elusive 6th stage.

I know that as long as I keep both of them on top of my heart, gashing me left and right, I’ll never be able to get to the 6th stage with anyone. I was at the 6th stage with Tyler. I was there. I could feel it. I was comfortable, and not cautious just head over heels….Happy.

 

 

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There’s No Peace In Quiet

“My friends are always over so I’m not alone. And the TV’s on the second that they leave. Ghosts don’t stand a chance against the radio, that’s why I turn the music up to sleep. Cause there’s no peace in quiet…just footsteps on the stairs. Whispers in the silence, remind me you’re not there…there’s no peace in quiet. Tonight, I’ll lie down knowing you’re not coming home-then I’ll swear I hear you keys outside the door. And I’ll hate myself for checking as if I don’t know that’s it’s just the wind chimes on the neighbors porch. Cause there’s no peace in quiet…just footsteps on the stairs. Whispers in the silence, remind me you’re not there…there’s no peace in quiet. I hear you singing in the shower, I hear you breathing in my bed, but there’s nothing I hear louder than the words I never said. Cause there’s no peace in quiet…just footsteps on the stairs. Whispers in the silence, remind me you’re not there…there’s no peace in quiet.” -No Peace in Quiet, Delta Rae

Kind of crazy that just a paragraph-can contain an entire song, that at this very moment speaks to every feeling I have in my life.

Shortly after Tyler made his decision to go back to his ex, I started writing him a journal. I’m not sure if it’s for him or if it’s more for me-trying to make sure that I get out what I need to. I don’t know if I’ll ever give it to him. Maybe I should burn the pages. Maybe I should keep them for this little blog of mine. Maybe I should give them to him, so he can really know what he lost out on…but maybe it’s too much? All I know is that those pages have helped me more than anything.

It’s become dreadfully obvious to me that I am making myself TOO available to him. He calls or text,s I respond immediately. Like…embarassingly fast. I realized today that I need to take an even further step back. I’ve stopped texting and calling. I hate getting that message saying “I’m with Stephanie.” I hate getting no response at all. So I trained myself to do something else-ANYTHING else instead of messaging him when I want to. It’s helped-I’m not as attached to him as I was before. I think that when he reaches out to me, I want to seem like I have time to make for him instead of him having to wait for attention-like he used to have to do with her.

It’s time for me to face the facts; he’s not coming back, at least anytime in the near future. He’s got what he wants, and for the time being, until the newness wears off, she’s got what she wants. I’m not in the equation anymore and I need to realize that.

But why is it so fucking hard?

I wish there was a manual for this kind of thing…that something would happen in a relationship and then BAM! Everything makes sense. But instead I’m here trying to keep myself together, when all I want to do is break down in tears.

Enough of this depressing mess.

One Day…

One day you’ll be sitting on the couch wrapped up in a hoodie and blankets and feel like crying…But the tears won’t come anymore. You’ll think about how hard the past few months have been…or even how hard this year has been and you’ll want to just break down, and have someone hold you. But you won’t go there.

One day you’ll catch yourself singing your song, and you won’t long for him the way you used to.

One day you’ll catch yourself dancing in the shower that once held you and your tears-and you’ll realize, you’re going to make it.

One day, you’ll walk past him, and he’ll look up at you by instinct, and you’ll just keep walking. He’ll crack a little on the inside because you’re showing him you no longer need those eyes to reassure you that life is going to be okay. You no longer need anything from him-you’ve taught yourself all of this on your own.

One day, you’ll reach for the phone to call him, but this time, you’ll dial the number of a girl friend-or you’ll put the phone down all-together, because you’ve learned that there is absolutely nothing that will bring you solace from a conversation with him.

One day, a stranger will touch you. You’ll feel the warmth of another man’s hand-the softness in their kiss and the avalanche that would have once filled your mind with horrible crippling emotions won’t happen anymore. The warmth and softness will be both exciting and liberating. You’re no long comparing him to someone else.

If you heart gets broken again, sure-you’ll wrap it all up and he’ll come flooding to your mind. But you can take a deep breathe and know that for just a moment…You made it without him. And you’ll exhale knowing that he hasn’t quite made it yet, because he’s waiting for you to come back. He’s waiting for you to make the lonely call, send the sad text…something to show him that you’re needy and lonely leaving him full of the power that you’ve tried so desperately to remove from him.

You’ve got this baby, all of these one day scenarios aren’t too far away. You’ll be able to do all of this on your own.

“And you know it’s not like she’s forgot about him, she’s just dealing with the pain. The fact that she survived so well without him…you know it’s driving him insane. And the crazy thing about it, is she’d take him back, but the fool in him that walked out-is the fool that just won’t ask..she’s gonna make it, he never will. He’s at the foot of the mountain, she’s over that hill. He’s sinking at sea, her sails are filled…she’s gonna make it…he never will.”

Mercy…

“So if you’re gonna break my heart, just break it. If you gonna take a shot just take it, and take it fast…If you ever loved me…have mercy.”

Ah, the lonely hours-we meet again.

I decided to write here instead of texting him.

The night I went to see him was a complete disaster. I sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed. I cried for my 45 minute car ride. When I first got there, we just chatted about random things, and 2 hours later is dreadfully obvious that it was time to say good-bye.

I forgot to tell you that he has cerebral palsy. He has to use arm crutches to get around-and I would be lying if I said that I hadn’t thought twice about taking that on. There are a lot of things that come with dating someone who has a handicap, but I feel like I would have missed out on the world had I not given him a shot. Anyway, he asked me to get out of the car because he wanted to show me something that he had never shown anyone. He walked, not well, and not for long, but he walked to me. For some reason, that moment of vulnerability made my heart ache and I cried even more. Even just thinking about it makes me want to cry all over again.

Rewinding a little bit, when I was crying in the car he did something that no one else has ever done. He made me keep eye contact with him. He wanted me to share that with him, and the vulnerability that felt in that moment was probably the most naked I’ve ever felt in a relationship.

He had told me that he loved me a few days before he told me about her-when he finally did tell me about her, I had asked if he really meant it. Somehow though; I didn’t want to know the answer because I was so incredibly scared that the answer to that too, would break my heart. So, instead of expecting a response, I told him again: ‘I really do love you, with my whole heart.’ I said. ‘Me too, more than you will ever know.’ He said. The realism of the world struck me in the face like the tentacle of an octopus. How could two people love each other that much, but it not work? How could I love someone that much-and our two train cars pass so quickly?

“If two hearts were meant to be, they’ll find a way I guess
But when goodbye started, man, I was a mess

Cause she was the right girl
Yes, she was all mine
Thought about her all day
We spent every night
Chasing down the stars
Talking ’bout forever
And I learned the hard way
Never say never
It’s too bad that clocks can’t stop on a dime…
Cause she was the right girl
The right girl at the wrong time.”

People keep asking me why I’m sticking around. Waiting for the fall out maybe? No, it’s because my heart knows this won’t last, and that at the end I’ll somehow prevail-whether we’re together again or not.

Crazy, or romantic? I started a journal to him. I write in there when I used to call him because we spent so much time together on the phone. I figured that at the end of the 70 pages I’d either mail it to him, burn it, or keep it until it was time. I know that when I do give it to him-should I decide to, depending on where our relationship is, it could make or break it…but my gut feeling told me that that is what I need to do. It came to me one night while I was sleeping, and damn if I’m wrong-I’ve followed every gut feeling I’ve had.

That being said, my gut is telling me it’s time for me to try to sleep. My heart is tired.