One Day…

One day you’ll be sitting on the couch wrapped up in a hoodie and blankets and feel like crying…But the tears won’t come anymore. You’ll think about how hard the past few months have been…or even how hard this year has been and you’ll want to just break down, and have someone hold you. But you won’t go there.

One day you’ll catch yourself singing your song, and you won’t long for him the way you used to.

One day you’ll catch yourself dancing in the shower that once held you and your tears-and you’ll realize, you’re going to make it.

One day, you’ll walk past him, and he’ll look up at you by instinct, and you’ll just keep walking. He’ll crack a little on the inside because you’re showing him you no longer need those eyes to reassure you that life is going to be okay. You no longer need anything from him-you’ve taught yourself all of this on your own.

One day, you’ll reach for the phone to call him, but this time, you’ll dial the number of a girl friend-or you’ll put the phone down all-together, because you’ve learned that there is absolutely nothing that will bring you solace from a conversation with him.

One day, a stranger will touch you. You’ll feel the warmth of another man’s hand-the softness in their kiss and the avalanche that would have once filled your mind with horrible crippling emotions won’t happen anymore. The warmth and softness will be both exciting and liberating. You’re no long comparing him to someone else.

If you heart gets broken again, sure-you’ll wrap it all up and he’ll come flooding to your mind. But you can take a deep breathe and know that for just a moment…You made it without him. And you’ll exhale knowing that he hasn’t quite made it yet, because he’s waiting for you to come back. He’s waiting for you to make the lonely call, send the sad text…something to show him that you’re needy and lonely leaving him full of the power that you’ve tried so desperately to remove from him.

You’ve got this baby, all of these one day scenarios aren’t too far away. You’ll be able to do all of this on your own.

“And you know it’s not like she’s forgot about him, she’s just dealing with the pain. The fact that she survived so well without him…you know it’s driving him insane. And the crazy thing about it, is she’d take him back, but the fool in him that walked out-is the fool that just won’t ask..she’s gonna make it, he never will. He’s at the foot of the mountain, she’s over that hill. He’s sinking at sea, her sails are filled…she’s gonna make it…he never will.”

Mercy…

“So if you’re gonna break my heart, just break it. If you gonna take a shot just take it, and take it fast…If you ever loved me…have mercy.”

Ah, the lonely hours-we meet again.

I decided to write here instead of texting him.

The night I went to see him was a complete disaster. I sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed. I cried for my 45 minute car ride. When I first got there, we just chatted about random things, and 2 hours later is dreadfully obvious that it was time to say good-bye.

I forgot to tell you that he has cerebral palsy. He has to use arm crutches to get around-and I would be lying if I said that I hadn’t thought twice about taking that on. There are a lot of things that come with dating someone who has a handicap, but I feel like I would have missed out on the world had I not given him a shot. Anyway, he asked me to get out of the car because he wanted to show me something that he had never shown anyone. He walked, not well, and not for long, but he walked to me. For some reason, that moment of vulnerability made my heart ache and I cried even more. Even just thinking about it makes me want to cry all over again.

Rewinding a little bit, when I was crying in the car he did something that no one else has ever done. He made me keep eye contact with him. He wanted me to share that with him, and the vulnerability that felt in that moment was probably the most naked I’ve ever felt in a relationship.

He had told me that he loved me a few days before he told me about her-when he finally did tell me about her, I had asked if he really meant it. Somehow though; I didn’t want to know the answer because I was so incredibly scared that the answer to that too, would break my heart. So, instead of expecting a response, I told him again: ‘I really do love you, with my whole heart.’ I said. ‘Me too, more than you will ever know.’ He said. The realism of the world struck me in the face like the tentacle of an octopus. How could two people love each other that much, but it not work? How could I love someone that much-and our two train cars pass so quickly?

“If two hearts were meant to be, they’ll find a way I guess
But when goodbye started, man, I was a mess

Cause she was the right girl
Yes, she was all mine
Thought about her all day
We spent every night
Chasing down the stars
Talking ’bout forever
And I learned the hard way
Never say never
It’s too bad that clocks can’t stop on a dime…
Cause she was the right girl
The right girl at the wrong time.”

People keep asking me why I’m sticking around. Waiting for the fall out maybe? No, it’s because my heart knows this won’t last, and that at the end I’ll somehow prevail-whether we’re together again or not.

Crazy, or romantic? I started a journal to him. I write in there when I used to call him because we spent so much time together on the phone. I figured that at the end of the 70 pages I’d either mail it to him, burn it, or keep it until it was time. I know that when I do give it to him-should I decide to, depending on where our relationship is, it could make or break it…but my gut feeling told me that that is what I need to do. It came to me one night while I was sleeping, and damn if I’m wrong-I’ve followed every gut feeling I’ve had.

That being said, my gut is telling me it’s time for me to try to sleep. My heart is tired.

Stalemate.

“This emotion frustrated confusion is it all an illusion…Will I wake up to a harsh and empty space? His devotion lies in someone else’s arms, and I am just an outsider trying to save face. And it’s hard, and it’s slow…Wanting to be all he wants, knowing that’s not how this goes. And it’s false, and it’s weak…There’s nothing to be said now, but in our silence, we’re both aching to speak… And I’m stronger than this I’ve been through this before, but what’s one more lesson when the stolen moments are worth living for?”

Oh man… I don’t even know where to start now. As I’ve said in the past, when I’m not here for a long amount of time, I’m usually off making bad choices.

This time, however; I thought I was making a good choice. I met a boy. And I went ALL in. No researching, no doubting, just 100% all in.

And man….Did I fall hard.

20 days, 1,000’s of text messages, 4 full days, and almost 48 hours of phone time together. And here I sit. Alone.

I know that you are probably thinking, it was only 20 days…But have you ever had that moment? That holy shit, this is really happening moment? Because, I did. I found the my soul has found a match, you feel like home connection. That’s what I felt, the moment I got out of the car for the first time. He was just standing there, staring at me with the impossible grin on his face…and my breathing just-stopped.

A week ago all of those things came crashing down when he told me he was in love with his best friend, and that he had been waiting for her for two years. He said that he would always wait for her. He said that she didn’t want to be with him…but in that very moment I knew, because I had been in her place-she would fight for him. When you keep someone on the line for so long, losing them seems almost as impossible as loving them wholeheartedly does. When you keep someone on the line, they are your comfy beanbag chair-and you don’t ever want to lose it.

And I was right, she did. Fight for him.

Hence, my opening quote. I am just an outsider, trying to save face.

We spent the weekend together, because he wanted to give me a shot and it was amazing. No, scratch that-what is the word for greater than amazing? Because that is it. Fast forward to Monday morning at 1:30, he calls and tells me he’s made his decision. And he was picking her.

My heart shattered on the ground and I felt a pain that I hadn’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. I guess you could say though, that each time your heart breaks it breaks in a different way. I can’t describe how it felt, all I can say is that I can’t stop crying, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep.

In my full on masochism, I decided to stay friends with him. Rather, I convinced him to stay friends with me. He wanted to delete my number. And in some ways, that hurt almost worse than him saying that I wasn’t worth enough for him to jump ship and be happy.

How do you get to the place where you genuinely want someone to be happy, and know that in order for that to happen, they have to do it without you?

I know in my heart of hearts that it’s best to let him go, and if I do it now, I can save face and won’t have to worry about the fallout when he decides to stop talking to me down the line. Part of me wishes that she’d show him that she really doesn’t want him, she just didn’t want to lose the bean bag…but that, would be wishing bad things on him-when all I want is for him to live a happy life, whether that means me being in it or not.

I think, I really did love him. And when I think about that, it seems almost impossible because it was such a short amount of time-but a soul mate comes into your life when you least expect it and makes a huge impact-no matter how long they stay.

I’m going to see him tonight. My hands are ice cold and can’t stop shaking. I know this is the last time I’m going to see him and I don’t know if I can do this. But, I’m an emotional cutter, and feeling that pain would be better than feeling this pain-at least I think so. Like the scales of justice, each pain keeps teeter tottering back and forth, one trying to trump the other. I don’t think it’s possible. I think somehow they’ll both come out in the wash and eventually there won’t be a scale, just a giant pile of pain engrossing my heart, every possible emotion and every possible tear I could have left.

I think I’m going to part ways now. I’ll be back. Probably sooner rather than later, I mean, what’s a good blog post without some heartbreak, right?

“It hurts.”

“Of course it does,” you smiled sadly. “The hurt is how we know it was love. The absence we feel is proof that what we had is something that can be lost.”

“…And when does it stop?”

With eyes dark like a cloud before rain, you replied. “If it was love, it won’t.”

Creating Your Own Ending

I read a quote today-something along the lines of…Sometimes closure doesn’t come when you expect it-you could be just sitting there one day, and out of the blue, it happens.

Sometimes-no matter how much it hurts, no matter how hard you try to push it away-you HAVE to create your own ending.

It’s been almost a year since I heard your voice. I found myself going back to laying in your bed…how content I felt with you rubbing my back. How content I felt with the level of mediocrity that you had somehow sold to me as being normal. For three years I was okay with “catching a poke”, aka sleeping with you once or twice a week-convincing myself that affection from you, any affection was affection worth having.

I saw her today.

As awkward as I thought it’d be the first time we ran into each other-it wasn’t. Of course, she had no clue who I am…who I was…that when you first met her, you were sharing your bed with both of us. But for me, I guess I found some solace in knowing that you found someone that makes you happy.

I would be lying if I said that I never drove by your house…because I have. You bought a new truck, something you talked about doing for all of the years we were…seeing each other. I guess I can consider myself a stepping stone-the one you needed to step on to get to the better place. I wish…you were mine. Instead, some days I come across a song…or a memory hits me straight in the heart, and I’m there…trapped under your boot.

You are a good man.

Today, I think I’m going to create my own, very new ending.

At the end of every “relationship” I spend years pining away for someone…or just allowing time to heal my wounds. Sometimes folks, you gotta get some antibiotic ointment and make it feel and heal better a hell of a lot quicker.

Today is the last day I’m going to think about us as a…what could have been, but instead of a what we were. I’m not sure of the lesson you taught me yet, but I promise I’ll figure it out. And I can guarantee, that when I do, no matter how ‘happy’ you are with her, I’ll be a whole lot better off…because I acknowledge that we were…and you, you just ignore it.

Summer Playlist

 

  • Why We Call Each Other, Dustin Lynch
  • Light It Up, Luke Bryan
  • Grave, Thomas Rhett
  • Not Everything’s About You, Old Dominion
  • Hate Me, Jillian Jacqueline
  • Keep It To Yourself, Kacey Musgraves
  • I Don’t Trust Myself, Sara Evans
  • God Bless This Mess, Jillian Jacqueline
  • Love Me or Leave Me Alone, Dustin Lynch
  • Unapologetically, Kelsea Ballerini
  • Old Songs, Eli Young
  • Be With Me, Old Dominion
  • Champagne, Lindsay Ell
  • Round Here Buzz, Eric Church
  • Unforgettable, Thomas Rhett
  • Shoe Shopping, Old Dominion
  • Through All Of It, Colton Dixon
  • Happens Like That, Granger Smith
  • Right Girl Wrong Time, Jon Langston
  • The Price I Pay, Haley & Michaels
  • Are You Happy Now, Rascal Flatts & Lauren Alaina
  • One Number Away, Luke Combs
  • Get To You, Michael Ray
  • You Broke Up with Me, Walker Hayes
  • Yeah Boy, Kelsea Ballerini
  • Makin’ Me Look Good Again, Drake White
  • What Ifs, Kane Brown
  • Doin’ Fine, Lauren Alaina
  • Five More Minutes, Scotty McCreery
  • Heart Break, Lady Antebellum
  • The Long Way, Brett Eldridge
  • Small Town Boy, Dustin Lynch
  • Somethin’ I’m Good At, Brett Eldredge
  • Just A Phase, Adam Craig
  • No Such Thing As A Broken Heart, Old Dominion
  • Legends, Kelsea Ballerini
  • Hurt, Lady Antebellum
  • Every Little Thing, Carly Pearce
  • Like I Loved You, Brett Young
  • Written In The Sand, Old Dominion

 

 

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The Strands in Your Eyes That Color Them Wonderful….

Stop me and steal my breath.

I’ve wanted to write for so long, but I guess I kind of feel like what I have to say right now…is so…trivial…compared to the issues that are ripping our country a part. But, I’m sitting in my bubble, and we still have to FEEL, right?

From as far back as I can remember, I’ve never been able to hold eye contact with a man. Maybe it’s because of my past with my step dad. Maybe it’s because I make bad man choices and am intimidated. Maybe it’s….Hell, I don’t know what it is.

A couple of weeks ago, I met someone who stared right into my eyes-for 5 or more minutes. Consecutively. I didn’t flinch-I didn’t stray, I just took a deep breath, and let him take it away.

I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know that it will ever be anything, but it gave me some kind of renewed hope. Hope that there will at some point, be a man who can both take my breath away, and stare directly into my eyes without me flinching.

I was talking to a friend the other day about what happens when I meet someone new, my life suddenly becomes a series of phases.

Let’s review the phases:

  1. Total Submersion.
    1. This is a state of my existence where I feel that it is absolutely required for me to gather every piece of information about the guy I’ve set my sights on. I need to know what he does for fun, what he’s thinking…Whatever I can get my hands on.
  2. Falling in love.
    1. This isn’t the creepy-I just met you 5 minutes ago, let’s get married and have babies kind of love. This is the….I see that this could really be something amazing love.
    2. I fall in love with the small details that I know other people don’t see, because I know that I see not only the big picture-but the small brush strokes as well.
  3. Self-doubt and criticism.
    1. When the object of my affection doesn’t return my affection in the way that *I* think they should, I begin doubting that it ever existed at all.
    2. I start thinking about all the reasons why I wouldn’t fit in their world. Why what I felt in the submersion phase was all just a bunch of b.s. and I really have nothing to offer them.
  4. Over-correcting.
    1. Just like a car on an icy road, I hit a patch and grab the steering wheel and move it the wrong direction…repeatedly. I try to get attention, I do ridiculous things, I admit to ridiculous things and probably do too much…of everything
  5. Praying.
    1. The most prominent part of my relationships is when I’ve completed these phases. I pray that God has brought a good man into my life, and that He will give him the discernment that he needs to be a good man. And that He’s given him the tools to be a good partner.

I think about these phases, and they’re completely ridiculous. 5 should be where 1 is, 3 shouldn’t exist, and don’t even get me started on 4. Then there’s 2. What’s wrong with falling in love that early?

“So I could care less if I’m being careless, might wreck me to be reckless…
But I’d rather fall apart than love half-hearted.
Yeah, maybe it’s true that you know when you know, and then again maybe you don’t.
But when you find a diamond, you can’t keep it from shining.”

God bless this mess.

I’m currently obnoxiously residing in stage 4 of my phases for a 28 year old. He’s still a baby, and he’s nothing like my type…Whatsoever.

Since Eric, I’ve never been with a man who works in an office. Is it maybe PTSD that I associate office work with softness, and the chances of the guy I’m coveting actually being gay? (If this is the first time you are reading my blog, don’t get upset by this. My first husband is gay..and dammit, a girl is allowed to have PTSD about some of that) I’ve picked men who are blue collared-hard working, come home dirty and smell like men, men. Not men who sit in a bar and talk to me about tie-tacks and being a financial analyst. Not men who-when you breathe them in, the scent of their cologne stains your nostrils for hours….glorious hours.

Let’s hope I get to relish in phase 5. And that maybe, I’ll get to elusive phase 6-the one I couldn’t even bring myself to type out, because it’s been too long since it happened. Phase 6 is bliss. The phase of life where I get to just be.

God bless this mess, if this is as good as it’s gonna get…I’m gonna hold you like I know it’s gonna be okay, again. I’ve got a hurricane in my heart, keeps on rattling the gooder part. And honestly, I’m an honest wreck-but I’m trying my best…God bless this mess.”