Summer Playlist

 

  • Why We Call Each Other, Dustin Lynch
  • Light It Up, Luke Bryan
  • Grave, Thomas Rhett
  • Not Everything’s About You, Old Dominion
  • Hate Me, Jillian Jacqueline
  • Keep It To Yourself, Kacey Musgraves
  • I Don’t Trust Myself, Sara Evans
  • God Bless This Mess, Jillian Jacqueline
  • Love Me or Leave Me Alone, Dustin Lynch
  • Unapologetically, Kelsea Ballerini
  • Old Songs, Eli Young
  • Be With Me, Old Dominion
  • Champagne, Lindsay Ell
  • Round Here Buzz, Eric Church
  • Unforgettable, Thomas Rhett
  • Shoe Shopping, Old Dominion
  • Through All Of It, Colton Dixon
  • Happens Like That, Granger Smith
  • Right Girl Wrong Time, Jon Langston
  • The Price I Pay, Haley & Michaels
  • Are You Happy Now, Rascal Flatts & Lauren Alaina
  • One Number Away, Luke Combs
  • Get To You, Michael Ray
  • You Broke Up with Me, Walker Hayes
  • Yeah Boy, Kelsea Ballerini
  • Makin’ Me Look Good Again, Drake White
  • What Ifs, Kane Brown
  • Doin’ Fine, Lauren Alaina
  • Five More Minutes, Scotty McCreery
  • Heart Break, Lady Antebellum
  • The Long Way, Brett Eldridge
  • Small Town Boy, Dustin Lynch
  • Somethin’ I’m Good At, Brett Eldredge
  • Just A Phase, Adam Craig
  • No Such Thing As A Broken Heart, Old Dominion
  • Legends, Kelsea Ballerini
  • Hurt, Lady Antebellum
  • Every Little Thing, Carly Pearce
  • Like I Loved You, Brett Young
  • Written In The Sand, Old Dominion

 

 

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The Strands in Your Eyes That Color Them Wonderful….

Stop me and steal my breath.

I’ve wanted to write for so long, but I guess I kind of feel like what I have to say right now…is so…trivial…compared to the issues that are ripping our country a part. But, I’m sitting in my bubble, and we still have to FEEL, right?

From as far back as I can remember, I’ve never been able to hold eye contact with a man. Maybe it’s because of my past with my step dad. Maybe it’s because I make bad man choices and am intimidated. Maybe it’s….Hell, I don’t know what it is.

A couple of weeks ago, I met someone who stared right into my eyes-for 5 or more minutes. Consecutively. I didn’t flinch-I didn’t stray, I just took a deep breath, and let him take it away.

I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know that it will ever be anything, but it gave me some kind of renewed hope. Hope that there will at some point, be a man who can both take my breath away, and stare directly into my eyes without me flinching.

I was talking to a friend the other day about what happens when I meet someone new, my life suddenly becomes a series of phases.

Let’s review the phases:

  1. Total Submersion.
    1. This is a state of my existence where I feel that it is absolutely required for me to gather every piece of information about the guy I’ve set my sights on. I need to know what he does for fun, what he’s thinking…Whatever I can get my hands on.
  2. Falling in love.
    1. This isn’t the creepy-I just met you 5 minutes ago, let’s get married and have babies kind of love. This is the….I see that this could really be something amazing love.
    2. I fall in love with the small details that I know other people don’t see, because I know that I see not only the big picture-but the small brush strokes as well.
  3. Self-doubt and criticism.
    1. When the object of my affection doesn’t return my affection in the way that *I* think they should, I begin doubting that it ever existed at all.
    2. I start thinking about all the reasons why I wouldn’t fit in their world. Why what I felt in the submersion phase was all just a bunch of b.s. and I really have nothing to offer them.
  4. Over-correcting.
    1. Just like a car on an icy road, I hit a patch and grab the steering wheel and move it the wrong direction…repeatedly. I try to get attention, I do ridiculous things, I admit to ridiculous things and probably do too much…of everything
  5. Praying.
    1. The most prominent part of my relationships is when I’ve completed these phases. I pray that God has brought a good man into my life, and that He will give him the discernment that he needs to be a good man. And that He’s given him the tools to be a good partner.

I think about these phases, and they’re completely ridiculous. 5 should be where 1 is, 3 shouldn’t exist, and don’t even get me started on 4. Then there’s 2. What’s wrong with falling in love that early?

“So I could care less if I’m being careless, might wreck me to be reckless…
But I’d rather fall apart than love half-hearted.
Yeah, maybe it’s true that you know when you know, and then again maybe you don’t.
But when you find a diamond, you can’t keep it from shining.”

God bless this mess.

I’m currently obnoxiously residing in stage 4 of my phases for a 28 year old. He’s still a baby, and he’s nothing like my type…Whatsoever.

Since Eric, I’ve never been with a man who works in an office. Is it maybe PTSD that I associate office work with softness, and the chances of the guy I’m coveting actually being gay? (If this is the first time you are reading my blog, don’t get upset by this. My first husband is gay..and dammit, a girl is allowed to have PTSD about some of that) I’ve picked men who are blue collared-hard working, come home dirty and smell like men, men. Not men who sit in a bar and talk to me about tie-tacks and being a financial analyst. Not men who-when you breathe them in, the scent of their cologne stains your nostrils for hours….glorious hours.

Let’s hope I get to relish in phase 5. And that maybe, I’ll get to elusive phase 6-the one I couldn’t even bring myself to type out, because it’s been too long since it happened. Phase 6 is bliss. The phase of life where I get to just be.

God bless this mess, if this is as good as it’s gonna get…I’m gonna hold you like I know it’s gonna be okay, again. I’ve got a hurricane in my heart, keeps on rattling the gooder part. And honestly, I’m an honest wreck-but I’m trying my best…God bless this mess.”

You Could Have Been the One…If You Were a Better Man…

“Maybe you were meant to be nothing more than an in-wasn’t-meant-to-be, so I can be that much more grateful for the one that’s meant to be.”

The breath.

You know the one I’m talking about. The one where you breathe in and realize that your life has a peace that was missing for however many years that person was part of your life.

The breath you have when you realize that maybe, just maybe it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. You don’t seek people out to tell them your sad story and how things ended, that instead you kind of smile at a stupid time, or funny experience.

The breath that fills your entire lungs and doesn’t just stop at the top because your heart is so swollen from all the tears and hurt.

The breath where you also know that even though today is peaceful, and you can breathe all the way to the bottom of your lungs…You’ll drink a bottle of wine and miss him more than you did the last time you drank a bottle of wine.

The breath that comes when you hear his name and want to know what is happening with him…or who he’s dating…or you want to tell him just how much you miss him.

Much like the ocean, that breath ebbs and flows and it will change in shallowness and deepness as the days go on.

Today though, I’m proud to say that I had the good breath. The one where I realized just how much more simple my life is now that I’m not wondering what his actions and/or words mean… Now that I’m not wondering if he loves me or loves me not.

The bottom line is…Today I realized, at least for the first time with him…That I’m really going to be okay. That my heart might crack from time to time missing him, or seeing his name on Facebook…But, really, I’m going to be okay.

Painting Pillows

“All of the hurt, all of the pain, keeps coming down like black rain.
All that we were, every touch leaves a mark you can’t wash away.
Boy, you’re like a tattoo in my head, like you never left this bed
Me and my tears with no one to hold…Just painting pillows”

My ex husband called me today. I haven’t talked about him much because to be honest…We’ve been divorced for almost 10 years and none of it makes any sense to me.  You know when you have such a profound connection with someone who your time apart just makes absolutely no sense? That would be this situation. Except, he’s gay. He’s a beautiful man, inside and out and I love the days where we can spend an hour or more on the phone just updating each other. Tomorrow is my cousin’s death anniversary, a day that is near and dear to both of our hearts–and it makes my soul a happy knowing that we still share that and that our hour-long conversation was a ommage to my beautiful cousin who took his life when he was only 18. There are days where I think back and wonder what my life would be like had we not divorced. I know that I would be in a completely different place…Would I have kids? Would we live the white picket fence life, or would we be divorced like everyone else we know that was 20 (or 21) when they got married?

I’m armed with a 1.5 liter bottle of wine and my brain is spinning.

It’s been one month, and I’m making it. Each day gets a little bit easier, but the thoughts of what could have been, or the want to text him and tell him something small or insignificant about my day is overwhelming. When you find a partner in crime that you can share all of that with…losing it… is like standing in an open field waiting for crop dusters to come and bomb the hell out of you in no particular order. You never know when a tear is going to fall or when the hurt will just make you want to crumble in a corner and rock yourself back to sanity.

I hate that he probably knows how much I miss him and that the power isn’t even there for me to take back. I hate knowing that he doesn’t miss me. I hate knowing that he didn’t care about enough to keep some kind of relationship alive.

I went back on Tinder.

Holy mother of…What a freaking joke that is. I had some kid ask me if he could “make my oyster moister”. I laugh at it now because honestly, that was the only thing sent to me, he didn’t even have the couth to introduce himself. I know Tinder is widely recognized as an app that is for hooking up, but I’ve dated some pretty decent guys from there, so I have hope.

I’m sure there is someone out there who pays close enough attention to this blog to know that I’ve kind of had someone I’ve been seeing for a few months. He’s really great, he adores me. But is adoration enough? There’s no excitement, no adventures. I’m the love of his life, but I can honestly say that I do not think he’s the love of mine. His life is in shreds right now, and I can’t just end things with him because I think it’d be the nail in the coffin. Drifting apart is the easiest way for me…Because I’ll be honest. I’ve never had the balls to break up with someone before.

They’ve always….left me.

When you think about that statement it makes you feel really shitty. That there’s something inherently wrong with you that absolutely no one wants to stay except a guy who worships the ground you walk on but meets NONE of your needs.

As for me…I’m going to sit here and drink my 1.5 L of wine and feel sorry for myself. I think missing guys is bullshit. I still believe that there’s a man out there who will give me butterflies and there will be rainbows and butterflies and unicorns all over around me. I still believe that there could be a chance that there is someone out there RIGHT now looking for me, or wishing I was there too. Somewhere deep down I believe that there is some guy who thinks of me in the form of a country love song, because I’m just a big freaking cheese ball.

There’s gotta be someone who wants to tell me…”In case you didn’t know, I’m crazy about you, I’d be lying if I said I could live this life without you..” Yeah. There’s someone out there. Peter Pan can go fly a kite. -H

She’s Gonna Make it.

I went on a date last night.

All I thought about was you.

I thought about how you’d be doing things differently, and how much more I’d like it.

We talked about things that you and I would talk about, and the answers that he gave were mundane. Nothing that I could really build a good conversation off of.

I thought about all of the times we talked about wanting a partner that would challenge us. Someone that we could have an in-depth conversation with and they would question our ideas and give us alternatives. That didn’t happen.

When he kissed me good night I thought about how I would much rather have you be the one kissing me, even though we haven’t kissed in nearly three years.

I sent you a text today. I had sneakily sent your phone number to myself in Facebook messenger so that I’d always have it, even when I get the gumption to delete your number from my phone for whatever reason. The text was a snip of what your worst quality was according to your astrological sign. Since we always sent them to each other I half expected a response from you. But I guess the reality of the worst characteristic being you can never admit when you’ve done something wrong hit too close to home for you.

You are a selfish bastard and you in no way, shape, or form deserve me. I don’t deserve a man who can change his mind at any given minute, or just wake up one day and decide that he’s going to ‘try something new’. You don’t deserve me because walking away from me would be a hell of a lot harder if you did.

Getting to the angry place hasn’t happened yet. I still listen to break up music thinking about you, even though I’m 34 and no longer a high schooler.

The beauty of this situation is…

One day I’m going to wake up and smile thinking of you. I’ll be grateful for these three years, the ups, the downs and you leaving. I’ll be grateful that you left me battered and bruised because I will come back out on top while you lament in what you could have had. I know it is conceited of me to say that you will lament in that-but I know what I’m worth, and I know from the bottom of my heart that you do too, whether you choose to act upon it now or not. As one of my favorite break-up songs puts it…‘She’s gonna make it, he never will.’

 

You may not love me now, but you’ll miss me when I’m gone.

“You don’t know it yet, but I’ll end up becoming a very important part of your life even when I’m no longer there. You’ll find yourself constantly thinking of those times when you had your chances, but you let them slip because your arrogance blinded you from what you really wanted. You’ll understand much later on that everything you’ve been looking for had been standing right there in front of you all along.”

Right now, just right now I’m trying to give you what you want. I’m playing the game, the tug-o-war game where you trump me with all the power and I’m just here by the wayside waiting for you to come back. I’m giving you what you want because you have a spot reserved in my heart and I can’t particularly cut that spot out right this moment.

Right now, just right now I’ll sit here brokenhearted and sip my Yellow Tail Moscato hoping that at some point it’ll numb the pain. It’s not proper, I know, but at the same time it’s what I need because the pain-is mind numbing.

You don’t love me now, but at some point, when you’re looking at a horoscope thing online, or watching a million videos on YouTube, you’ll remember me and what I meant to you. Someday, I’m 100% confident, you’ll realize how much you screwed up and how much you want me back. You won’t come back because your pride is larger than your heart, but for just a little bit, maybe your heart will hurt a little bit and you’ll realize how much I’ve made you miss me.

At some point I’ll let you go-because that’s what I do. I hang on for dear life and when I can’t get past the wall that was built up with crappy materials I let go. The crappy materials are too much for even me to get around, so I’ll walk away. I’ll let someone who deserves me love me and you-will be a regretful part of my past. I generally don’t agree with “regretful”-I only have a few spots reserved for that word. You will be a regret because I gave you three  years of my life, and every once of me because you WERE worthy and you flushed it down the toilet along with any once of deservedness I had earned.

When I let you go I’ll cry like I’ve never cried before. The wine will be drank out of the bottle, not the cup. I’ll read all the love quotes and send them to my friends with tear drop emojis because it’s over. It’s really, truly over. You-will HAVE to become a moment of the past and not a hope of the future.

You may not love me, but you’ll search for me in the eyes of any woman who you “try” to have a relationship with. You’ll look for my laugh, you’ll look for my light touch, and let’s be honest, you’ll look for the amazing sex we had. You will never find it, because there’s only one me, not matter how many times you try to recreate the moment, it’ll never happen.

“For the moment being, I’m just another face in the crowd; a voice that’s drowned out by the white noise of everyday life. You see me every now and then when you actually try to look for me. You rarely ever look for me, but I’m there always waiting. I don’t know when, but eventually, the day will come when you’ll look and you won’t find. You’ll stare but you’ll be left with nothing staring back at you. I won’t be there with my desperate eyes that crave for attention. I won’t be there with my open heart that’s just waiting for you to come in. I won’t be there with a suppressed smile trying so frantically to hide what I feel for you. I won’t be there at all because I will have moved on and you’ll miss me when I’m gone.

You don’t know it yet, but I’ll end up becoming a very important part of your life even when I’m no longer there. You’ll find yourself constantly thinking of those times when you had your chances, but you let them slip because your arrogance blinded you from what you really wanted. You’ll understand much later on that everything you’ve been looking for had been standing right there in front of you all along, but you never made a grab at it. You were always so passive. Perhaps you didn’t mean it. Maybe you were oblivious to the fact that a life with me was within your reach. However, your ignorance doesn’t make you innocent.

You can’t blame me for not waiting. A person can only offer so much love that is unrequited. In the end, what love will there be left for me if there is no one to reciprocate it? What a damn shame. We could have been something, you and I. instead you chose to go off on your explorations with other people at different times and different places. When these adventures no longer satisfied you, you turned to me. And there I was, ever so eager to receive you in my pathetic heart. I was always but an intermission in the regular programming of your life. I was never a main attraction to you, but you were always one to me. In my life, there were no intermissions. The ungodly seconds that passed without you were spent thinking of our next meeting. You were not a bus stop. You were my destination.

For now, I’ll continue to play this pathetic game between us. As pathetic as it may seem, it suits me for the moment. I have nothing left better to do. Quite frankly, I don’t know if you’re worth it, but I know that the prospect of us is something worth being patient and pathetic for. I’m just waiting for the day to come where my brain gives my heart that signal; that sign that it’s time to move on. I’m just waiting for reason to take over and tell emotion to let go of control for now. I’m waiting for my mind to say “Okay. We’ve had enough. It’s time for us to go.” I’m still waiting for that day. But you should really know, until that day comes, I’ll still be here waiting for you. But oh when that day comes, I’ll be free.

I’ll be numb and oblivious to any ill-feelings. I’ll move on. I’ll be happier, but I can’t say the same for you. You don’t know it yet, but I do. I mean so much more to you right now than you even realize. I’m a puzzle piece that has managed to wedge my way into your heart, and you would feel absolutely incomplete without me there. You just don’t realize it because you’re preoccupied at the moment. You have your cheap thrills to keep you company, but these thrills can only keep you satisfied for so long.

When that day comes, and I don’t know if it’s in the near or distant future, you will feel it. You will start to feel what I feel now. There will be a trigger and the bullet will go straight to your nervous system. The trigger can be anything. It might be when you see me holding hands with someone else. It might be when you see me change my relationship status on Facebook. I don’t know yet. But when that trigger hits, you’ll feel it, and I won’t. Our roles will reverse and you’ll be nothing but a distant memory for me. Someday someone will give me everything that you never gave me and you’ll end up hating yourself for it. You may not love me now but you’ll definitely miss me when I’m gone.”

You’ll come across an article that you’ll read just because the headline intrigues you. You’ll read the words and recognize how true they are and it’ll tug at your heart-strings.

And then, we’ll be done. I’ll be nothing but a breeze on a summer night-I’ll be nothing but a good back scratch.

You may not love me now, but you’ll miss me when I’m gone.